WCW Monday Nitro

WCW Monday Nitro – Episode 56: Last Week Tonight

March 28th, 2016 by Peach

Nitro 56 – Monday October 7, 1996

More like FUNday Nitro~!

More like FUNday Nitro~!

The New World Order continues to target Macho Man Randy Savage among other WCW superstars. Plus, Lex Luger, Jeff Jarrett, and more.

 

Pre show meeting between Eric Bischoff, Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and the wrestlers…

 

Especially true in 2016

Especially true in 2016

 

Eric Bischoff: Ok, hot open on the sweet WCW graphic panning up the ramp, to our opening pyro. We’ll recap one of those sweet segments from last week where Macho and Liz yelled at each other in a Motel 6 or whatever the fuck. On this show, we’ll really focus more on the NWO and me, Eric Bischoff.

 

Tony Schiavone: Uh Eric, we’re all in the room with you, you don’t need to say your name after saying “me”.

 

Eric: Tony and Larry, you guys ramble about some nonsense that won’t matter later.

 

Tony: Eric, what should Zbysko and myself wear with our suits? Should we put on ties?

 

Eric: Fuck no. Jim Ross wears a tie. Didn’t we discuss this last week? Yah, but nobody is reading this garbage… Match one we will have a special non-title grudge match. Harlem Heat vs. Public Enemy. Remember, last week, Public Enemy looked really good squishing Technico and Juventud.

What could possibly go wrong?

What could possibly go wrong?

Mike Tenay: What’s so special about a non-title match?

 

Rocco Rock: Hey Eric, can we put duct tape stripes on the table?
Eric: Sure.

 

Johnny Grunge: And should we go to the gym and work out so we’re not so fat?

 

Eric: No need. Just put on hockey sweaters and jorts. We’ll put PE on the sweaters so that people know who you are.

 

Rocco: Uh, won’t people just think we’re Gym teachers?

 

Eric: Of course not. Your undercuts, line beards, and beanies will make sure people know you couldn’t possible hold a respectable job. Just do all of your spots, and be super fucking stiff. It’s a tag match, but just do whatever the fuck. Now here, take this pillowcase full of blow and try not to overdose… I swear we had this conversation last week.

 

Booker T: Why don’t we get an entrance?

 

Eric: Because, Book baby, you don’t need it. People love the Breath-Right strips. That’s your brand! Then we will come back from commercial and show a disheveled Liz searching for Macho.

 

Stevie Ray: During our match?

 

Eric: Right! Don’t worry, we’ll just have Colonel Parker and Liz run around outside so you fat guys can take a break.

 

Stevie: Why do we have two managers, AND one is clearly a racist plantation owner from 1825?

 

Eric: Good question Stevie. We’ll have someone in H.R. look into it… Then we will cut to the NWO in the crowd and we’ll let Hall start talking over everything. Just to mock you, Nash and Hall will be wearing Breath-Right strips too.

 

Booker: I thought you said that was OUR thing? And are we still wrestling during this?

 

Eric: Sure, why not. But good news, you’re going over (mumbles to himself)… is that right? Yah, you’re over, I guess, but with a chair shots to the knee after a double distraction by both managers.

 

Booker: Won’t that make us look weak, and also like heels, which is the exact opposite of what we want going into our match with the NWO at Halloween Havoc?

Hulk Hogan... We coming for you... Nigga!

Hulk Hogan… We coming for you, nigga!

 

Eric: Guys, thanks for coming by. Why don’t you two head down to catering and get in on some of that 8-foot hoagie Brain is chowing on… Moving on, we’ll have a shot of Jeff Jarrett coming to the ring after he gets out of a limo. Jeff, did you bring your all white weird singlet with goofy straps?

 

Jeff Jarrett: Boy did I!

Traditionally, the best wrestlers were British Fops and Dandies

Traditionally, the best wrestlers were British Fops and Dandies

 

Tenay: Do we enough money in the budget for a limo for Jarrett?

 

Eric: Shut up Tenay. Next, we’ll have a recap of heel referee Nick Patrick fining Macho Man one million dollars, and talk about his case with the lawyers about Macho slandering him, from Saturday Night Sex Machine.

 

Tenay: Eric, the Saturday show is NOT called Sex Machine. You’re the only person who ever calls it that.

 

Schiavone: So is Nick talking about a fine or a lawsuit? And since when can a referee levy a fine?

 

Eric: Right. Now, my buddy Page will come to the ring for a match against hot upstart Jimmy Powers and his manager fatheaded Teddy Long. During the match, we’ll have DDP challenging Eddie Guerrero.

 

Tony: So, we’re literally going to have DDP talking about an upcoming match, during his match. That’s fucking retarded.

 

Eric: No no no… trust me baby. He’s gonna hit the cutter in like 90 seconds on young hot upstart Jimmy Powers.

 

Mike: Has anyone noticed that by doing this to Powers, he’s absolutely not becoming a young hot upstart?

 

Eric: Exactly. Look at those muscles! Super hot… Then we’ll come back and have Macho Man interviewed by Tenay. Macho will come out with a NASCAR driver to give him the rub.

 

Mike: I get to interview Macho? Awesome!

 

Eric: Mmmmm, not really. You get one question, then Macho will take the mic from you immediately and talk to the driver about the NWO car crashing, and then the driver will announce that the Slim Jim Halloween Havoc car finished in the top 12! I swear we did this last week…

Yah, we did this last week.

Yah, we did this last week.

 

Mike: That’s not very impressive. Also, making fun of a NASCAR crash seem to be in poor taste.

 

Eric: Then we’ll send out Liz to cut them off. And we’ll toss it back to Tony and Larry for our next match with two young hot up and comers High Voltage. They’re hot baby! Tony, be sure to tell everyone about their high energy, and that they’re hot.

 

Tony: Uh, ok. I hope they’re wrestling a team that can make them look good.

 

Eric: Duh! The Faces of Fear, Meng and The Barbarian, with Jimmy Hart of course… So we’ll have Meng no selling for the first 2 minutes, then we’ll send out the Horsemen, well, just Benoit, Mongo, and Debra. Mongo, be sure to bring out that briefcase full of Macho’s alimony.

Hulk Hogan... We're coming for you, Pineapple!

Hulk Hogan… We’re coming for you, pineapple!

 

Mike: One, that story line ended months ago. Two, no court on the planet would award an alimony payment via aluminum Halliburton briefcase. That’s idiotic.

 

Eric: Go sit down Tenay… So after Barbarian pins Rage clean, we’ll have another ad for Saturday Night Sex Machine, then we’ll bring out our next match between hot young up and comer Mike Wenner vs. Glacier! This is gonna pop a massive rating, among other things. Glacier, can you walk out backwards and throw some amazing kicks all while wearing your penis hat?

 

Glacier: I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

Tony: You know a glacier is not in fact a very intimidating phenomenon.  So this is a squash match, right?

 

Eric: Nah, we’ll have Wenner get some offense. Then Glacier will kick his head off. Nothing beats a basic sidekick. Nothing. Then we’ll have like 50 seconds left until hour two so we can put a running clock on the screen and let Glacier free style dance. I’m sure that won’t get old after second four. Then we’ll switch to the “A” announce team of Bobby the Brain… I guess Tenay, and ME!

 

Tony: So what should I do now?

 

Eric: I don’t know. Go eat catering you fat slob… The next match is Jarrett vs. Hugh Morrus. We got a lot invested in Jarrett, so we’ll have Morrus whip him around for a while until Jarret hits the back leg front kick. Jarrett goes over with the figure four.

 

Mike: Uh, Rick fucking Flair never beats anyone with the figure four, and we’re gonna let Jarret use it?

 

Bobby the Brain: Shut up Mike. Hey Eric, we should make Tenay go interview Jarret.

 

Eric: Good call Brain… We’ll let Jarret talk about history while everyone stares at his awesome frilly dog collar singlet. He’s definitely a hot young up and comer. After another sweet NWO T-Shirt commercial, it will be a shot of the “A” announce team, where I’ll get over only the NWO angles for Halloween Havoc. Which will lead us to a match between hot young up and comer Renegade vs. hot young up and comer Arn Anderson.

 

Mike: Perfect, I can bring up their deep history, where over a year ago, Renegade beat Anderson for the TV title.

 

Eric: We have a TV title?

 

Mike: Uh yah, I’m pretty sure. It’s defended all the time on… (shudders)… Sex Machine.

Sex Machine

Sex Machine

 

Eric: Sweet! Who’s booking that?

 

Mike: Uh, you?

 

Eric: Bingo.

 

Bobby: Should we only talk about the NWO during this match?

 

Eric: I think you know the answer to that. After Arn beats him, we’ll have him put the boots to him, until Luger makes the save. Well, it’s not so much of a save because nobody gives a shit about Renegade and it’s not like we’re going to push Luger and Renegade together.

 

Bobby: Well I think that’s brilliant.

 

Eric: Next match, is Dave Taylor with his midget versus Luger.

 

Lex Luger: So should I stay in the ring?

 

Eric: No way. Go back out and we’ll give you an entrance. We have extra pyro money tonight. Dave, can you kick your midget servant really hard in the back on your way to the ring?

 

Dave: Only if you completely ignore my match and keep talking about the NWO.

 

Eric: Not only that, we’ll play Luger’s promo challenging Regal for the (chuckles and puts up air quotes) “TV” title, during your match, so nobody could possibly think you’re viable.

 

Dave: Well, this is certainly going to be a long career.

 

Eric: You betcha. After the match, Arn, just annihilate Luger’s back with a chair.

 

Arn Anderson: Should we tell Lex first?

 

Eric: I’m leaning towards no, but I’ll leave that up to you… Then we have the Steiners come to the ring with a bunch of pyro for Rick versus Benoit. Is Scott Steiner here?

 

Scott Steiner: Yah boss, I’m here.

 

Eric: Did you bring your pleather golf cap?

 

Scott: Oh yah. It will go great with my brother’s Zubaz neon hyper colored singlet.

Hulk Hogan... We coming for you, rainbow!

Hulk Hogan… We coming for you, rainbow!

 

Eric: Excellent. Mongo, did you bring your wallet chain?

 

Mongo: Of course. How do you think I keep my wallet in my pleated pants?

 

Eric: Everything is going great. Now we’ll have another limo shot during the match where Hogan and Andre the Giant’s son get out.

 

Mike: Why would Hogan show up separately?

 

Eric: Mike, the adults are speaking.

 

Bobby: Who’s going over in the Steiner verse Benoit Match?

 

Eric: Bobby, it doesn’t fucking matter. These guys aren’t even feuding with the NWO. Our main event is Macho versus Flair for the U.S. Title.

 

Mike: Wow! That’s a huge main event! We should hype that match up all show long. I bet that would help us do a big rating.

 

Eric: Uh, no. In fact, we won’t mention it a single time. We’ll start the match with Hogan back stage talking about NWO paper work with the Nasty Boys.

 

Mike: Do you have to sign a contract to be in the NWO?

 

Eric: Unclear. We’ll look into it… Backstage we’ll show the NWO beating down Flair, then for no reason Giant will threaten to punch Liz, so Macho comes to make the save and then Hogan lays waste to Macho, and then Giant will carelessly carry Macho and trip and drop him back first on the steel stairs and the NWO stands tall…

 

Mike: And nobody has a fucking clue what’s going on at Halloween Havoc.

 

Eric: Nope, but we’ll let Syxx commandeer an NWO monster truck at the end. Now let’s go see if Public Enemy has any blow left.

And they finished all the blow together...

And they finished all the blow together…

 

 

 

 

 

 

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