Do you honestly respect the opinions of organizations like ESPN or USA Today to give it to you straight about college football? Of course you don’t, which is where The Internet In America’s 2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings come into play. Every Wednesday throughout the ’17 season we’ll post our own selections for the best teams in college football, complete with hilariously un-P.C. (yet surprisingly thorough) recaps of their last games as well as a brief preview of their upcoming contests. Plus, we’re throwing in a whole bunch of animated GIFs you can steal and post elsewhere on the ‘net, because we’re cool like that. Simply put, you won’t get better NCAA football analysis anywhere on the Internet – and if anybody else dare claims their rankings are more authoritative, you proudly have my permission to go to their corporate offices and take a big fat stankin’ shat right on their doorsteps. And with all of that out of the way, who’s ready to revisit the week that was in the best kind of football there is – the one with unpaid black people without due process in rape accusations?
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Another week, another Alabama annihilation. While the annual tilt against Ole Miss has been extremely competitive for the last three seasons, it sure as hell wasn’t last Saturday, as the Tide cruised to a commanding 66-3 victory. Jalen Hurts went 12 for 19 for 197 yards and two touchdowns, then scrambled for another 101 yards and an additional rushing TD. Speaking of rushing touchdowns, Alabama scored them early and often; at the final horn, ‘Bama had five scores on the ground, with a final rushing yardage differential of 365-to-88.
Not even the most rabid fan reaction to “Enter Sandman” since the heyday of ECW was enough to power the Hokies over the Tigers, whom succumbed to the reigning, defending National Champs 31-17 in a prime time, nationally televised in-ACC scrap. Kelly Bryant continues to impress, going 12 for 21 for 186 yards and one passing TD and rushing for another 94 yards; but give the Clemson D some credit, too, since they managed to intercept Josh Jackson twice and sack him three times.
Jake Browning excelled in Washington’s 42-7 throttling of Oregon State. He went 26 for 34 for 293 yards and three passing touchdowns, and he even managed to record a scrambling TD for good measure. Top receiver Dante Pettis hauled in all three of Browning’s end zone passes, concluding the game with 105 yards on 12 catches; and the Huskies’ D looked outstanding, holding the Beavers to 110 yards rushing and just 74 yards passing.
The Bulldogs beat the bullshit out of Tennessee over the weekend, absolutely butt-fucking the Vols 41-0 in their own house. Jake Fromm went 7 for 15 for 84 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, yet he managed to collect two rushing TDs on seven carries. And speaking of the rushing game, the Bulldogs managed to outyard the Vols on the ground 294 to 62, with top back Nick Chubb collecting 109 yards on 16 carries.
The Horned Frogs took a breather over the weekend and will reemerge Saturday to tangle with the Mountaineers. Averaging 497 yards a game, TCU currently has college ball’s 17th ranked offense. Allowing 324 yards a game, they are ranked 29th in terms of total defense.
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| If you listen very carefully, you can even hear his NFL draft stock sliding. |
A late fumble from Sam Darnold effectively sealed the upset for the Cougars, who triumphed over USC 30-27 last Friday night. Luke Falk went 34 for 51 for 340 yards, two touchdowns and one INT, with top receiver Renard Bell registering 101 yards off three catches. But don’t sleep on Washington State’s underrated run game, though; despite allowing Ronald Jones II to rack up 128 yards on the ground, the Cougars managed to soundly riposte via back Jamal Morrow, who collected one touchdown and 91 yards on six carries.
The Sooners were another top ten team that took last Saturday off. Heading into this weekend’s title against the Cyclones, Oklahoma has averaged 606 yards per game, making them far and away the most potent offense in Division I-A ball. On the flip side of the equation, they’re allowing teams to average 333 yards of offense against ’em per showing – a stat that makes the Sooners the nation’s 32nd ranked defense.
Trace McSorely went 23 for 36 for 315 yards, two touchdowns and one INT in the Nittany Child Rape Cover-Uppers 45-14 victory over Indiana. And while Saquon Barkley had an uncharacteristically ho-hum showing on the ground (just 56 yards and no scores on 20 carries), he did get an opportunity to play quarterback on one down – which, naturally, resulted in a 16-yard TD strike for Penn State.
The Wolverines had a bye over the weekend and will re-enter the Big-10 fray with a showdown against arch (in-state) rivals Michigan State this Saturday. Four games into the season Michigan is averaging 407 yards per game, which currently positions them as college ball’s 73rd ranked offense. However, allowing just 203 yards per contest, Michigan also possesses Division I-A’s second best overall defense.
Despite the 33-24 win over Northwestern, Badgers’ QB Alex Hornibrook had a pretty shitty showing last Saturday. He went 11 for 20 for 197 yards, one TD and two INTs, giving him a QBR of just 49.4. Thankfully for Wisconsin, the run game was much more efficient, with Jonathan Taylor recording two touchdowns and 80 yards as the Badgers outran the Wildcats by a 109-to-25 yard differential.
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| Forget just kneeling during the anthem – at Miami, they’ve decided to go full Angela Davis. |
The Hurricanes drubbed ACC rvials Duke last Thursday night in a one-sided 31-6 outing. Malik Rosier went 15 for 26 for 270 yards and a two-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, in addition to racking up another 45 yards and a ground-based score running the ball. And you better believe Miami’s D made life miserable for Daniel Jones, whom was intercepted once and sacked five times in the contest.
It was a close one, but SDSU remains undefeated after besting Northern Illinois 34-28 over the weekend. Christian Chapman went 10 for 19 for 136 yards and two touchdowns, while top back Rashaad Penny recorded 107 yards on 25 carries. And while SDSU’s defense did let Daniel Santacaterina collect 262 yards and three touchdown passes, they at least managed to intercept him three times and sack his ass four.
The Bulls coasted by Vince McMahon’s alma mater in a 61-31 pummeling of East Carolina. Quinton Flowers had 160 yards and two touchdowns off 10 complete passes and racked up 93 more yards (plus a rushing score) on 10 carries. But even if they did get two interceptions off him, is it really anything to brag about when your defense lets a future insurance salesman like Thomas Sirk record 302 yards of aerial offense?
Zach Abbey (90 yards, no aerial TDs) completed three passes in Navy’s 31-21 win over Tulsa – which is about par for the course, seeing as how Navy has yet to record more than four completions in a game all season long. But then again, why bother passing the rock when you can get Abbey to scramble for 185 yards and three touchdowns like he did against the Golden Hurricanes? And not that’s any surprise here, but averaging an absurd 400 yards of ground offense a game, Navy currently holds the title of college ball’s most productive rushing attack.
It was a close one, but the Utes nonetheless managed to prevail against Arizona in a 30-24 final. Troy Williams went 9 for 18 for 131 yards in the game, while back-up Tyler Huntley went 8 for 9 for 98 yards and one TD pass. Or wait, maybe Huntley’s the starter and Williams (who also had 15 yards rushing and a scrambling TD) is the back-up – it’s real easy to lose track of all this Pac-12 quarterbacking shit.
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| Not since James Earl Ray has anybody had as clean a shot in Memphis. Oh wait, the game was played at Central Florida, so I guess that metaphor won’t work. OK, I’ve got it – not since Omar Mateen has anybody had as clean a shot in Orlando.There we go. |
UCF slapped the yellow off Memphis’ teeth last Saturday, bashing the Tigers 40-13 in a game that saw the Knights intercept Riley Ferguson three times and hold Memphis’ rushing attack to just 75 yards all game. Meanwhile, Central Florida’s McKenzie Milton had a hell of a showing, lobbing the rock for 253 yards and three touchdowns (plus an INT) on 19 completions. And if that wasn’t enough, he also racked up some pretty solid ground stats, too – 88 yards on 11 carries.
The Roadrunners rolled Texas State in Saturday’s 44-14 clobberin’. UTSA’s run game bested the Bobcats by an absurd 357 yard-to-37 yard margin, with top back Jalen Rhodes collecting 174 yards and two touchdowns on 15 carries. And quarterback Dalton Sturm didn’t do too bad for himself, neither, finishing the game with 212 yards (but no TDs) on 17 completions.
Lamar Jackson’s season-long Heisman commercial continued with Louisville’s dominant 55-10 ass kicking of Murray State (I checked – its in Kentucky.) The Cardinals QB had 249 yards and three touchdowns passing the ball and he managed to accumulate another 100 yards (and another touchdown) scrambling like a motherfucker. And defensively, Louisville looked damned impressive, holding the hapless, helpless Racers (yep, that’s their nickname, I checked that shit, too) to just 61 yards passing and only 19 rushing.
Not since Don Imus took the school to task for its overabundance of “nappy headed hos” has Rutgers been so humiliated. The Buckeyes positively creamed the Scarlet Knights over the weekend, blanking ’em 56-0. J.T. Barrett had a heck of a game, going 14 for 22 for 275 yards and three touchdowns, plus running the ball 10 times for 89 more yards. And even more hilarious, Ohio State fucked them up so bad Rutgers had to run through all four of its quarterbacks, whom combined for a lackluster 92 yards and two interceptions on the day.
In typical Big 12 fashion, the Cowboys survived a 41-34 shootout with Texas Tech on Saturday, with Mason Rudolph (27 for 38) collecting 376 yards and three touchdowns (plus an INT) on the day – in addition to the two extra touchdowns he got scrambling. The big factor in Oklahoma State’s win was certainly the discrepancies in the run game. While the Cowboys had no problem racking up 221 total yards on the ground (top back: Justice Hill with 164 yards on 30 carries), Texas Tech couldn’t do shit running the ball, finishing the outing with only 54 rushing yards.
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| Well, if you’re looking for a reason as to why Florida won’t make the SEC Championship Game this year, this ‘un oughta’ do it. |
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The Gators’ 39-24 win against Vanderbilt is the epitome of a Pyrrhic victory. Despite picking up the W, they also lost QB Luke Del Rio for the remainder of the season, and backup Feleipe Franks (10 for 14, 185 yards) doesn’t exactly have a cannon for an arm, if you catch my drift. Expect Florida to rely heavily on its run game from hereon out – which, as apparent by the performances of Malik Davis (17 carries, 124 yards, two touchdowns) and Lamical Perine (15 carries, 58 yards, three touchdowns), ain’t that bad of a little backfield.
The Trojans scored one of the biggest upsets of the season last Saturday when they outlasted LSU 24-21. While Brandon Silvers’ quaterbacking numbers weren’t exactly Heisman-caliber (16 for 28 for 157 yards and no scores), he at least managed to scramble into the end zone for six on the board on one play (just, uh, overlook his cumulative minus 8 average on the ground.) Speaking of rushing, Jordan Chunn is a name you might want to remember – after all, he did collect 191 yards and a touchdown on 30 carries against one of college football’s (historically, at least) toughest defenses, and inside their own stadium, to boot.
The Irish had no problem getting past Miami (of Ohio) over the weekend, blasting the RedHawks 52-17. ND QB Brandon Wimbush went seven fro 18 for 119 yards and three scores, while the Irish collected a ground total of 333 yards and four touchdowns on the ground. Leading Notre Dame’s rushing attack was Josh Adams, who finished the game with 159 yards and two touch downs on eight carries, and Deon McIntosh (12 carries, 47 yards, one TD.)
The Tigers put a hurtin’ on Mississippi State, throttling the Bulldogs 49-10 on Saturday. Jarrett Stidham went 13 for 16 for 264 yards and two touchdowns, while Auburn’s top back Kerryon Johnson racked up 116 yards and three rushing touchdowns on 23 carries. Auburn’s defense was pretty good, too, collecting two sacks and two interceptions off Nick Fitzgerald, who was only allotted 157 yards by the Tigers’ secondary.
As shitty as the Trojans’ pass defense has been all season, it was only a matter of time until the team finally got popped like an overfilled condom. And that massive cum explosion of a game occurred last Friday night, when Sammy Darnold turned the ball over late in the fourth quarter and effectively gift bagged Washington State the W. All you need to know here? USC could only muster 164 yards in the air, and their defense let the Cougars accumulate 340 passing yards. With an Achilles heel that apparent, the only real surprise here is how the Trojans have only lost one game so far this season.
