Nitro 49 – A Walk to Remember
EB: We don’t have shit tonight. Let’s give Hacksaw and VK Walstreet 15 minutes in seg 1. They can do that taped fist bullshit for a finish. People are really into the fact that you can hastily wrap your fist willy nilly with athletic tape and it instantly becomes a finish.
Tenay: So, wait… Aren’t wrestlers allowed already to tape their wrists and hands? If that were true, why wouldn’t everyone just tape both their fists for every match?
EB: Why did Keith Hackney wear one boxing glove in UFC 1? We’ll never know, but it was effective.
Tenay: Actually, that was Art Jimmerson and he was easily submitted by Royce Gracie in like 90 seconds, and I believe he never even threw a punch.
EB: Tell that bullshit to Margarito.
Tenay: So we’re going with the fact that all these hardcore wrestling fans will know who Antonio Margarito is, a fighter from 2009 who had illegally wrapped hands and was then KNOCKED OUT by Shane Mosley? It’s 1996. Why do I know the future?
EB: It makes perfect sense. Then we’ll have Duggan break kayfabe and call Hulk Hogan “Terry”. It’s a shoot, brother.
Tenay: Uh yah, this is a shoot. And I guess that’s why Macho Man has a brand new white and red suit covered in lipstick kisses… because he’s ready for a real fight.
EB: Exactly. Just like Royce Gracie’s gi.
Tenay: Royce Gracie wore a gi as a weapon to use against his opponents.
EB: Duh, just like Macho’s tassels could easily scrape an eye or deliver a paper cut.
(Editors Note: Did you see the fucking choke slam Giant delivered to Benoit at Clash 96? Holy fucking shit. Benoit can be carried. – Peach)
EB: Seg 2, we’ll put Bob Eaton out there alone. We want to develop some inner turmoil with the Blue bloods. People really like the friction between the Brits. We’ll put him with Benoit, so Benoit can be carried. We need Benoit to look fresh. Someone get a different patent leather vest for him, but let him keep those weird different color leather crotch stitch long tights. Benoit up. We’ll build to a match where the Blue Bloods and their earl put their territorial land deeds on a pole.
(Editor’s note: How good is Woman? Always heeling. Liz Poffo just looks like she’s suffering from post partum depression. – Peach)
EB: And then run that Glacier promo again.
Tenay: He’s been “coming” for like 6 months. Is Glacier like a wrestling version of Peter North?
EB: I don’t understand the reference because I don’t read the newspaper, but we’re trying to build suspense here. Think of it like you’re jerking off to Internet porn, and you’re about to ejaculate, but you back off a bit so you can delay the orgasm.
Tenay: Yes, that was the exact analogy I was going for…
EB: Never mind. That Internet thing will never catch on. People don’t care about things that aren’t on physical paper… Ok Disco, you’re on the booking team, what should we do next?
Disco: Uhhhh…. Push Disco?
EB: Exactly. Disco over Norton. Clean.
Tenay: WHAT? Norton is a fucking monster and Disco is dork.
EB: Exactly. No one will see it coming. Controversy creates cash.
Tenay: That’s not controversy, that’s idiotic.
EB: Mike, Mike, Mike… It’s Tuesday, do a bump of cocaine with us.
Tenay: What the fuck is wrong with you? It’s Monday. Hence, MONDAY Nitro.
EB: Tenay, hit the bricks. No yoka-cola for you… For the next seg, let’s put Delirious over Matt Morgan. Well, we don’t have to actually have the match, we’ll just put that out in the spoilers, and see which rags run with it…
Tony Schiavone: What the fuck is a Matt Morgan and who is Delirious? Whatevs. I’m done caring.
EB: Can we get Norton in a hot purple singlet… Ok so who’s next… What the fuck? Malenkov vs. Regal? Who booked these shit vanilla midgets? Don’t we have Sgt. Craig Pittman available for a match? Shit… So is Malenkov doing a Russian gangster gimmick? I love it!
Tony: No, Eric, it’s just Dean Malenko. I don’t know where you’re getting Malenkov.
EB: Well, whoever this mysterious Russian is don’t give him any time. We’ll get hammered in the ratings for that snore fest. Better put the Horsemen on next. We’ll let Arn talk, just so it doesn’t look like we are only focusing on Flair. We all know, McMichael is the heart and soul of the Horsemen, but we don’t want to overexpose him… We’re gonna need to have the crowd hot before the Nasty Boyz come out. Can we have that weird little alien guy get in the ring?
Tenay: Who, Konnan?
EB: No, that weird big head mascot. Looks kinda like Alf in a space suit.
Tenay: Oh… Konnan. Yah.
EB: No, the stupid little guy who waves the rally towel.
Tenay: My mistake. You mean Konnan.
EB: Exactly. Send Konnan out there to wave his bandana… So next we can have Sags no sell the entire match vs. Public Enemy. That will give these garbage guys some cred. Let’s see how many unprotected head shots we can squeeze into a match.
Tenay: Sags selling?
(Editors Note: True story, I worked an indy show in Illinois in 1999 with Rocco Rock and he found my wallet I had lost in the locker room. I had 80 bucks in there because I was a dumbass 20 year old kid, and he said, “Is this your wallet? This is like 5 pay days in here! Don’t be such as dumbass.” More like 80 pay days. – Peach)
EB: Seg 6 or something – DDP vs. One of them flippy Spaniards… We can have Chavo avenge the death of Eddie.
Stagger Lee Marshall: Uh, Eddie is still alive…
EB: Yah, for now.
DDP: Eric, I feel like pairing me with NBA players would be a good idea.
EB: One, I agree, let’s sign Scotty Pippen. Two, how did DDP get in this meeting?
DDP: You got to bang Kimberly on the flight to Denver…
EB: Right, right… but what have you done for me lately?
DDP: That was earlier today.
EB: True… Ted, look into booking Horace Grant AND Scottie Pippen. I’ve played NBA Jam and I know the rights to Jordan are impossible to get…
DDP: Are you referring to Ted Turner? He’s… not here. And never will be.
EB: But his cheque book is! BOOM! Up top!
Kevin Nash: AAAAAHH! Doc, help me! Will I ever wrestle again?
Doctor: You’re a wrestler?
Nash: Sort of.
EB: Alright, cart his ass out of here… Next up we’ll really play up the American Males. Have them put over Harlem Heat clean. We don’t need any discrimination law suits… And immediately after, who’s ready for another sweet Glacier promo! Nash, up top… Oh right.
Lee Marshall: It’s been like 9 months. Shouldn’t we have Glacier have a match?
EB: Uh, did someone hire Tony the Tiger? NO? SHUT THE FUCK UP LEE!
The End
