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Do you honestly respect the opinions of organizations like ESPN or USA Today to give it you straight about college football? Of course you don’t, which is where The Internet In America’s 2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings come into play. Every Wednesday throughout the ’17 season we’ll post our own selections for the best teams in college football, complete with hilariously un-P.C. (yet surprisingly thorough) recaps of their last games as well as a brief preview of their upcoming contests. Plus, we’re throwing in a whole bunch of animated GIFs you can steal and post elsewhere on the ‘net, because we’re cool like that. Simply put, you won’t get better NCAA football analysis anywhere on the Internet – and if anybody else dare claims their rankings are more authoritative, you proudly have my permission to go to their corporate offices and take a big fat stankin’ shat right on their doorsteps. And with all of that out of the way, who’s ready to revisit the week that was in the best kind of football there is – the one with unpaid black people without due process in rape accusations?
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After bumping off top 25 teams in back-to-back weeks, I reckon it’s probably safe to call the reigning, defending college football champs the best team in the land once more. In the Tigers’ 47-21 win, QB Kelly Bryant looked VERY Deshaun Watson-like, going 22 for 32 for 316 yards and one TD pass – plus another two touchdowns he scored with his feet. Although Clemson didn’t do much to prevent Lamar Jackson from racking up 317 aerial yards, at least their D did pretty good containing Louisville’s potent run game; at the final horn, Clemson held the Cardinals to 116 yards and no scores on the ground, while recording 297 yards of rushing offense (and four touchdowns) themselves.
It was another effortless victory for Bama over the weekend, as the Tide crushed Colorado State 41-23. Jalen Hurts had another solid outing, going 12 for 17 on pass attempts for 248 yards and two aerial TDs while also running the ball for 103 more yards and another trip to the end zone. While Alabama’s rushing offense (239 yards) greatly overshadowed the Rams’ ground production (just 144 yards), the total aerial offense for the teams was nearly dead even, with Colorado State QB Nick Stevens collecting only one less aerial yard than Alabama’s gunslinger.
Baker Mayfield’s Heisman campaign continued Saturday, as his Sooners poleaxed Tulane 56-14. Mayfield finished the game with 331 yards and four touchdowns on 17 completions, with receivers Marquise Brown and CeeDee Lamb both posting 130-yard-plus days. Alas, Oklahoma’s defense told two totally different tales; while their pass protection looked great (holding Tulane to just 54 yards in the air), their run defense allowed the Green Wave to rack up 237 yards on the ground.
Yeah, this Mason Rudolph kid is one bad motherfucker. In the Cowboys’ 59-21 throttling of Pittsburgh, Oklahoma State’s QB lobbed the rock for 497 yards and FIVE touchdowns (three of which landed in the arms of receiver Jalen McCleskey) on 23 completions, and once you factor in back-up Taylor Cornelius’ garbage time yardage, the Cowboys outgunned the Panthers 572 to 288 passing yards. Still, the rushing production was practically identical; Oklahoma State finished the game with 104 rushing yards on 35 carries, while Pittsburgh concluded the contest with 103 rushing yards on 34 carries.
Good lord, was the Nittany Lions’ 56-0 molestation of Georgia State tough to watch. Probable Heisman candidate Trace McSorely went 18 for 23 for 309 yards and four touchdowns, as well as an additional 24 yards running the ball (complete with another scrambling TD, naturally.) Oddly enough, Penn State’s top back Saquon Barkley was practically a non-factor in the blowout; on ten carries, he accumulated just 47 yards and no touchdowns.
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| But what he’s really excited about the most is that maybe, this means they’ll stop sodomizing him in the showers with mop handles after practice. |
Well, it only took two overtime periods, but the Trojans FINALLY exacted their revenge for the 2006 Rose Bowl by besting Texas 27-24 on their home turf. Sam Darnold went 28 for 49 for 397 yards and three touchdowns (connecting with Deontay Burnett, who finished the game with 123 yards on eight receptions, for two of them), but he also tossed two costly interceptions. And as far as the run game is concerned, USC did a good job holding back the Longhorns’ rushing attack to only 68 yards, but by that same token, the Trojans’ total ground production of just 71 yards isn’t much to celebrate, neither.
No, there was not a whole lot of drama in the Huskies’ 48-16 win over Fresno State. Jake Browning had an outstanding game, going 19 for 22 on pass attempts for 255 yards and four touchdowns, of which receiver Dante Pettis (92 yards on five receptions) reeled in three. Alas, while Washington easily outyarded the Bulldogs in the air by a 328-to-194 margin, Fresno State actually outgained Washington on the ground, finishing the game with 119 yards to the victors’ 92.
At times, Michigan struggled against Air Force last Saturday, but the Wolverines still managed to pull off the 29-13 win. Wilton Speight had a pretty forgettable day, going 14 for 23 for 169 yards and no touchdowns, with Donovan Peoples-Jones’ 79 yard punt return breaking a third quarter 6-9 deadlock. Still, you’ve got to give Michigan’s pass defense its props; after all, they did hold Air Force QB Arion Worthman to just ONE completion the entire game … which, of course, resulted in a 64-yard-touchdown for the Falcons.
The Badgers’ 40-6 mauling of BYU has to be the most one-sided drubbing of Mormons since the Mountain Meadows Massacre. Alex Hornibrook had an excellent day, going 18 for 19 for 236 yards and four passing touchdowns, as running back Jonathan Taylor ran the ball for 128 yards and one scamper into the end zone on 18 carries. At the final horn, Wisconsin outyarded the Cougars 256 to 111 in the air and 235 to 68 on the ground, proving once and for all that spirit of Joseph Smith has finally forsaken his chosen people, probably because the last season of Sister Wives wasn’t any good.
In one of the biggest upsets of the college football season so far, the Bulldogs absolutely crushed the Tigers in a 37-7 butthole fisting of a game. Mississippi State QB Nick Fitzgerald went 15 for 23 on pass attempts, ultimately collecting 180 yards and two touchdowns in the air, on top of the extra 88 yards and two end zone visitations he chalked up with his cleats. Remarkably, the Bulldogs not only managed to hold LSU’s ferocious run game to a relatively lackluster 133 yards, the Bulldogs’ rushing attack more than doubled their opponents’ ground production, with back Aeris Williams (146 yards, 23 carries) outrunning LSU’s entire backfield.
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| I haven’t seen Louisiana got blown away this bad since Hurricane Katrina! |
In a Bulldogs vs. Bulldogs match-up, the ones from Georgia easily surmounted the ones from Samford. In Georgia’s 42-14 win, quarterback Jake Fromm had his best game to date, going 8 for 13 for 165 yards and three touchdown passes, while running back Nick Chubb collected 131 yards and two touchdowns on 16 carries. Oddly enough, while Georgia positively mulched Samford on the ground (the rushing yardage differential was 284 to 22), Samford did indeed outyard Georgia in the air, by a margin of 227 to 175. Needless to say, such makes this weekend’s clash with Mississippi State a recipe for points city.
So yeah, Miami didn’t play this week either, thanks to the hurricane and all that jazz. Interestingly, their opponent this Saturday is no pushover; the undefeated Toledo Rockets currently rank eighth overall in total offense among the 130 or so NCAA division uno teams, and are tied with NC State for 12th most passing yards. Be careful, Hurricanes’ faithful … this upcoming contest has “trap game” written all over it.
The Hokies went Seung-Hui Cho on Eastern Carolina over the weekend, shellacking the Pirates 64-17. VT QB Josh Jackson had a hell of a game, going 24 for 31 for 372 yards and five touchdowns, with top receiver Cam Phillips hauling in three of them and finishing the contest with 189 yards 14 catches. And while the Hokies did let Gardner Minshew chalk up 241 aerial yards against them, at least they had no problem stopping ECU’s run; at the final horn, the Pirates had just 40 rushing yards on 31 carries, compared to Virginia Tech’s 287.
In a 20-point win, TCU quarterback Kenny Hill (yes, the same guy who played for Texas A&M back in 2013) went 24 for 30 for 365 yards and four touchdowns while back Darius Anderson cashed in two touchdowns on 14 carries for a grand total of 89 rushing yards on the day. Alas, the Horned Frogs DID let SMU collect a bit more yardage than they probably should’ve in the 56-36 win; somehow, their defense let Southern Methodist collect 339 aerial yards on 18 completions.
The Cougars pounded the Beavers last weekend … and no, that isn’t a summary of the last lesbian porno I watched. Luke Falk had a TREMENDOUS showing in Washington State’s 52-23 win over Oregon State, going 37 for 49 for 396 yards and SIX touchdown passes, with Tavares Martin Jr. (10 receptions, three touchdowns, 194 yards) and Isaiah Johnson-Mack (9 receptions, two touchdowns, 79 yards) leading the wideout production. Still, Washington State’s run game looked downright anemic; at the final whistle they had 60 yards on 16 carries, while their foes finished the outing with 155 yards and two touchdowns on 33 carries.
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| Things I Thought I’d Never GIF, Volume One: fucking Vanderbilt highlights. |
It’s sort of an unwritten role around these parts that if you are an unbeaten, unranked team and you defeat a team that was ranked and was formerly unbeaten, by proxy you’re allowed to take over the defeated team’s slot on the top 25 rankings. Just such a scenario happened over the weekend when the Commodores upset Kansas State in a low-scoring 14-7 affair. Of course, Vanderbilt’s time in the top 25 will probably be a one-and-done appearance, figuring they have Alabama as the next stop on their schedule. But if they do pull off the monumental upset on Saturday, would I have any other choice but to put them in the top 3 next week, if not even the number one slot?
The undefeated AAC stalwarts enter the top 25 on the strength of their 48-45 shootout win against UCLA. Quarterback Riley Ferguson was on fire the entire game, concluding the contest with a superb six aerial scores on the day, for a grand total of 398 yards on 23 completions. Granted, their own passing defense might need a little work, considering they only let Josh Rosen lob the rock for 463 yards in their losing effort …
Might as well get as many PAC-12 teams in here as we can, eh? The Ducks had no problem surmounting Wyoming on Saturday, pounding the Cowboys into Matthew Shepherd-like submission 49-13. Quarterback Justin Herbert (251 yards, one TD and one INT on 18 completions) played OK, but there’s no denying Oregon’s rushing attack is what won ’em the game. The Ducks posted six rushing touchdowns and 307 yards of ground offense in the win, with top rusher Royce Freeman leading the pack with 157 yards and three touchdown gallops on 30 carries.
Despite quarterback Jacob Knipp’s three touchdown day, the Northern Colorado Bears were simply no match for the Buffaloes, who bested ’em 41-21 over the weekend. Colorado QB Steven Montez finished the game with 357 yards, four aerial touchdowns (each targeting a different receiver) and one interception on 29 completions, while rushing yardage leader Phillip Lindsay mulched up the field for 151 yards and a score on 26 carries.
At this point in the season, SDSU remains the only unbeaten team left in the MAC, and they definitely recorded their biggest W of the fledgling season last Saturday night. The Aztecs prevailed over Stanford 20-17 in a back and forth game that saw Christian Chapman zip the game winner to David Wells with only 54 seconds left in the fourth. Even weirder, that was the only TD pass for SDSU’s QB, who finished the affair 21 for 29 for 187 total passing yards.
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| Things I Thought I’d Never GIF, Volume Two: fucking San Diego State highlights. |
Do you think South Florida QB Quinton Flowers would get mad at me if I called him “a poor man’s Lamar Jackson?” Because that’s certainly what he played like in the Bulls’ 47-23 win over Illinois. The multi-talented, multi-tasking mobile QB lobbed the rock for 280 yards and four touchdowns (plus an INT) on 15 completions, while also racking up 106 yards and another score running the ball on 25 carries. With a day like that, perhaps it’s forgivable if South Florida forgets all about that Gay dude blocking their field goals …
It was a battle of the falsely accused against the maliciously unprosecuted when Duke locked horns with Baylor over the weekend. The Blue Devils’ run game was the deciding factor in their 34-20 win, as the team combined for 246 yards and three touchdowns on the ground, led by back Shaun Wilson, who finished the game with 176 yard and two scores on 18 carries. As for Duke’s defense, they did a really good job stopping Baylor’s run (they were held to 57 yards on 27 carries), but they didn’t really have an answer for Baylor’s pass game, which saw Zach Smith collect 263 yards and three touchdowns on 12 completions. Well, except for the three interceptions they got against him, I guess.
Quarterback Nathan Stanley and running back Ivory Kelly-Martin both had pretty good days in Iowa’s 31 -14 win over North Texas. Stanley finished the contest 16 for 27 for 197 yards and two touchdown passes, while Kelly-Martin wrapped up the game with 74 yards and two touchdowns on 11 carries. Alas, we’ll see if the Hawkeyes are as successful when they host Penn State this Saturday (spoiler: they totally won’t.)(Mike: They really won’t.).
Cameron Goode’s 32-yard pick-six clinched it for Cal, who beat Ole Miss 27-16 on Saturday. Granted, QB Ross Bowers didn’t exactly have a stellar outing (he went 24 for 47 for 236 yards and a one-to-two TD-to-INT ratio), but at least the Golden Bears looked good running the ball and stopping their opponent’s rushing game, as they finished the contest with 163 yards on the ground compared to the Rebels’ 53. The question now is, can Cal pull off one of the biggest upsets of the year in their homestand against USC this weekend? Hey, stranger things have happened when Cal’s played fellow Californian schools …
If you like your college football sloppier than a blowjob from a girl with a cleft lip, you would have LOVED the Utah/San Jose State game over the weekend. In the 54-16 win the Spartans managed to fumble the ball SEVEN times, with the Utes doing their part by fumbling it an additional three. Alas, Utah QB Tyler Huntley managed to hold on to the ball long enough to get some pretty impressive production put up, regardless. At the final whistle, he went 30 for 43 for 341 yards, four touchdowns and one INT – despite also recording one of the WORST ball slippages you’ll see outside of masturbation-related emergency room visits.
