Ladies and gentlemen.
In 1993, the Montreal Canadiens won the Stanley Cup, riding the talents of the greatest goalkeeper in hockey history, Patrick Roy. As the legend I’ve invented goes, Roy was unhappy with how Les Habs treated him following the victory and during the 1994-1995 season, as he packed his bags and moved to Colorado to play for the “expansion” Avalanche, he called a curse upon the country of Canada: never again shall you win the Stanley Cup.
It has now been 31 years.
For 31 glorious years, I’ve observed a holiday (I created) that celebrates the day the last Canadian hockey team is eliminated from the NHL playoffs. I’ve called it Canada Day. I’ve called it America Day. I’ve called it the Feast of St. Patrick Roy Day. You can call it any or all of these names, or you’re free to come up with you own, but the point is that you should be celebrating.
If you’re a Canadian and reading this, first, congrats on being able to read, I know your entire beaver trading post is proud. Second, you’ll never get it back. Ever. You know how you like to brag about burning the White House to the ground? This is payback. This is payback of the sort that leads to calls to the UN about lack of proportionality. Guess what? America doesn’t give a care about proportionality. America cares about teaching lessons and this is a lesson you maple syrup guzzling hosers need to learn:
THE STANLEY CUP BELONGS TO AMERICA AND WE’RE NEVER GIVING IT BACK!
