@chrisnajdekcomedy ON THE GRAM
Dublin, CA-
Felicity Huffman granted Halfguarded her first highly coveted interview after her 11 day bid on jail.
“Thank you for taking the time to sit down with us. I know this has been a difficult time.” Chris Najdek
“It’s all good fam, rep your set.”
Felicity Huffman
“My set?” CN
“Yeah, what set you rep?” FH
“I don’t believe I have a set, do you have a set?” CN
“Cedar Block Piru Bloods ya heard?” FH
“I heard, so after 11 days in minimum security you’ve joined a gang?” CN
“Blood in blood out. SOO WOO!” FH
“Listen, you did 11 days. You left 3 days early. There’s no way you became a member of the bloo…” CN
“I went 11 days without a spa treatment, 11 days without kale, 11 days without vegan options, 11 days with minorities, 11 days strapping phone books over my vital organs in case I got shanked blood!!” FH
“Nobody wanted to shank you..” CN
“YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE IN THERE BLOOD!!!” FH
“Actually I do, they gave me a full tour. You had tennis courts and a really nice game room. I saw no bloods, no shanking.” CN
“You ever toss a salad blood?” FH
“Like eat out someone’s ass? The old Chris Rock joke?” CN
“No, in the cafeteria I had to toss a salad with no salad spoons! They made me use my hands with NO GLOVES BECAUSE I HAVE A LATEX ALLERGY BLOOD!!”
“Well that’s good for William H Macy, and stop calling me blood.” CN
“It was hell blood!” FH
“You got off 3 days early on a 2 week sentence. Kalief Browder did 3 years in jail for allegedly stealing a backpack because he couldn’t afford bail money. He eventually killed himself in prison. You should probably shut the fuck up.” CN
“Yeah that punk bitch Beto tweeted that at me, he gone get got blood!” FH
“No, he’s not going to “get got”. You’re not going to put a hit out on Beto O’Rourke. Lastly, do you have any advice for Lori Loughlin if she has to do time?” CN
“We gotchu Aunt Becky! SOOWOO…” FH
“Ok enough, I’m done, good bye.” CN
“DON’T LET EM TURN YOU OUT AUNT BECKS!! They made me use the old ping pong paddles when they had brand new ones in storage!!! SOOWO…” FH
“YOU’RE NOT A BLOOD!!!!” CN
She finally got up and walked out of the room. Later on, as I passed her in the parking lot, she offered me a bag of cocaine that she hid in her vagina. I declined. Once she got into her Lexus and blasted Good Vibrations by Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch I decided to follow her home. Before we left the parking lot she appeared to call 911 on a black man who was feeding pigeons. Then she stopped at a Starbucks and held up the line for 15 minutes waiting for a manager because they used whole milk instead of skim. Don’t worry guys, she’ll be back to her old white self in no time.
