The following articles contains graphic scenes which some pussies people may find disturbing. Although nowhere near as disturbing as watching Kanye West singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
There’s nothing like a good even back and forth fight between two people digging down to the bottom of the souls and coming back with every ounce of strength and courage and leaving it all on the table at the finish. But sometimes a one sided, complete and utter devastating arse kicking can be just as fun especially when the person on the receiving end isn’t me and also thoroughly deserves a seeing to.
So without further adieu I gave you those times in film, television and real life when karma declared “You’re a dick, it’s time you got yours!”
Harrison Ford vs The Redneck in Witness
Oh the build to this is so glorious.
A gang of bully rednecks think they’ve found some pacifist Amish to push around and humilate. Only, one of them isn’t Amish it’s Harrison Ford hiding out in 1985’s The Witness. What follows is nothing short of epic as Harrison strides towards the unbeknown redneck and gives him every chance to quit while he’s ahead, but everyone knows the moment he knocks Harrison’s straw hat off this guy’s doomed.
The guy’s comeuppance is brief, hard and leaves him a bloody, whimpering mess. Fool should not have messed with Harrison Ford.
Buzz Aldrin vs Moon Landing Denier
Imagine being part of one of the greatest achievements in human history and then having armies of nerds declaring that you’re a fraud and a liar. I mean sure you can brush it off with a laugh that you’ve actually landed on the Moon and all these dipshits have wasted their lives with half assed assessments of the photos of the landings and clutching at dubious science on why everything was a hoax, but when one of these pillocks gets in your face and starts harassing you it must make me want to smack someone in their smug, pudgy little face.
Buzz Aldrin you bloody legend, landing on the moon and kicking your arse since 1959.
Scorpio takes a beating in Dirty Harry
It’s hard to think of anyone more deserving of a good kicking than Scorpio, Clint Eastwood’s nemesis in Dirty Harry. It’s impossible to watch this film and not want to wrap your hands around the scrawny neck of this little fuck and throttle him to death. Say what you want about police brutality, are you really appalled when Harry shoots him in the leg and then repeatedly stands on the wound? (Incidentally the camera pulling back from the scene and up and out of the stadium in that scene is a hauntingly brilliant shot).
However there is an even better scene where Scorpio gets the hell beaten out of him which is just as satisfying. Later in the film Scorpio in an attempt to frame Harry for assault pays a hoodlum to beat him up and mess up his face. Halfway through the brutal battering and his face hideously sollen and deformed, Scorpio is asked by the hood if he really wants the rest and Scorpio responds with a racial insult and proceeds to receive “every penny’s worth”.
Sadly the clip I have here does not include the final kick of the beating with the hood declaring “This one’s on the house!”
JBL vs Bart Gunn
John Layfield Bradshaw is a hard, tough man.
- He legitimately beat up Matt Hardy during a wrestling match…that Matt Hardy was not allowed to fight back in.
- He legitimately beat up Robbie from the Highlanders during a wrestling match….that Robbie was not allowed to fight back in.
- He legitimately beat up the Public Enemy during a wrestling match…that the Public enemy was not allowed to fight back in.
- And he legitimately beat up the Blue Meanie in a wrestling skit after taking great pains to come at him from behind.
However in 1998 WWF decided it may be a neat idea to have some of it’s wrestlers fight for real in a tournament called the Brawl for All which was stupid for all kinds of reasons. However it did mean that someone hard like JBL would be able to show how tough he was against someone like Bart Gunn who he would have to go face to face with and would be allowed to fight back.
The results are extremely satisfying.
Oh and Joey Styles smacked him one too.
Payback’s a longtime coming for Joe Pesci in Casino
Joe Pesci in Goodfellas as Tommy Devito was a violent, murderous thug but he had charisma, loyalty to his friends and a genuinely funny personality that still made him somewhat likeable. In Casino he practically plays the same role as Nicky Santoro, but is devoid of the Tommy “charm” and is just an out and out backstabbing, bullying, nasty piece of work.
So when the cocky sociopath gets his comeuppance by way of being beaten to a pulp by baseball bats and buried alive as brutal as it is you don’t shed any tears. In the ultimate form of gangster cinema karma the person leading the beating on Pesci is actor Frank Vincent, who in Goodfellas was on the wrong side of a beating from Pesci.
Vincent may have had to wait five years and cross another film to do it but he finally got his revenge. And if you want a further little movie in joke, the character that he was avenging with baseball bats was Billy Batts….geddit?
Battle of the Bastards
Game of Thrones fans never thought they’d have a villain they so wanted to see get there’s than everyone’s favourite little shit Joffrey. Then along came Ramsey Bolton who was psychotic as fuck and with ever increasingly evil antics such as cutting off a guy’s cock, flaying families alive, feeding his baby brother to his hounds and raping lovely Sansa Stark… Christ Joffrey was an angel next to this sick fuck.
Thank God for Jon Snow who faced off with Ramsey’s forces on the 59th episode of Game of Thrones entitled Battle of the Bastards. With an anticipation and intensity that rivalled the biggest sporting contests of modern times, Game of Thrones fans gathered around television sets for the big battle and had to endure one of the most brilliant but emotionally exhausting episodes in television history, as Snow’s forces were beaten and devastated at every turn and looked on the verge of defeat in another in the long line of those “fuck this show, I’m never watching this show again and you’ve read the book did you know this was happening and are you fucking filming me?” moments.
Finally though after seven seasons fans finally had something to cheer about as an army led by Sansa Stark made the save and Snow was able to get his hands on Ramsey and smash the living fuck out of him, with a ground and pound so beautifully satisfying that every blow felt like watching your first child been born.
Sansa’s smirk when she fed Ramsey to his own hounds was the cherry on top of a very creamy cake.
Sonny vs his brother in law in The Godfather.
Finally we come to the Sistine Chapel ceiling of arse kickings with this scene from one of the greatest films of all time The Godfather. Here the hotheaded Sonny Corleone finds his sister has received a beating at the hands of her husband. What follows is a beatdown on a truly epic scale as the wifebeater gets exactly what he deserves. Enjoy.
That’s all folks and remember violence does actually solve things.
See you next time
Dazza
Comments 2