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I’ve decided to create this, a new feature here at HG, which I’m gonna call 500 Words of Mike. Basically, I’ll do a 500 word preview and review of UFC shows and, well, that’s it. Just a little thing. The live updates for major shows will still happen but this will supplement that – like HGH but it’ll widen your asshole instead of shrinking your balls.
Let’s all turn our attention towards a city that’s twice lost a football team and isn’t named LA (has LA lost a team twice? They’ve clearly stolen teams more than twice. Cunts deserve their mudslides and then some.).
Jeremy Stephens kills Superboy
I should probably do a kryptonite joke or something but fuck it. This fight was awesome, with Superboy dying in the 2nd round after Stephens hit him with a brutal hook and then stood over top, looking down with pity at an Asian man. A Trump sized nuclear bomb of an elbow of ground and pound was only surpassed by the hydrogen bomb-like right hand that ended the night for Choi. The fucking power of Stephens is ridiculous. Still a bit of a dullard.
Vitor and Hall didn’t fight because weight-cutting is a dangerous endeavor.
Jessy Jess smoked PVZ. I may be overstating that but Paige sucked. Seriously. To be honest, neither was that great and the real loser was the referee who inexplicably didn’t stand this up ever. Jessy would get it down and sit in half guard(ed.com) and that’s all. She tried to hit a far side arm triangle choke but was forcing it like Aziz Ansari on a date: unsuccessfully but not without first making it clear there’s work to do with her technique. A decision victory was enough to make the Aussie happy and Paige breaking her arm was simply a bonus for me!
Darren Elkins is a fucking badass dude and you should never want to encounter him. Ever. Dude looks exactly like the tough white trash who hangs out at the bar and will bite your fucking eyes because he thinks you called him a fag. That chest tattoo “DAMAGE” looks like it was done by a guy specializing in teardrops. Nonetheless, Elkins got the shit smacked out of him in the first but timex’d his way into the second. There, he took Johnson to the ground and Chinese water tortured him with punches and elbows. Johnson just couldn’t move and Elkins hip control was outstanding. A brief scramble lead to Johnson getting his back taken. A back taking lead to an arm under the chin. An arm under the chin lead to a choke. A choke lead to a tap. And a tap lead to Elkins winning.
And Usman beat Meeks by dry fucking him for 15 minutes.
That’s what happened on the main card of UFC STL. Did you enjoy it? Let us know in the comments below or via twitter or tape a note to the leg of a bird, whisper, “Mike” and see if I get it.
