Hi, you. It’s your birthday today (or maybe yesterday or maybe tomorrow). I hope you have a super duper great birthday, I really do. Everyone should enjoy the day that marks the nine month* anniversary of when their parents banged.
Did they ever tell you about it? That night of passion? Man alive, your mom LOVED it. Your grandmother did too. That’s right: your ancestors were freaks in the sack. Hell, your grandma was one of the first women in town to wear pants, not because she was a modern woman, but because she needed to hide the rug burn on her knees.
It turns out, it isn’t really nine months but is closer to ten*. Why do we all say nine? I don’t know. I bet you don’t either. That’s not an insult, of course, it’s just a statement of reality. Why would you know that human beings have been mislead as to the gestation period of our offspring? You’re not a … who would know that, anyways? Medical etymologist?
“What do you do for a living?”
“Me? Oh, well, I study the origins of mistaken medical knowledge as found within the general populace.”
“… So, do you like sports?”
*Hmm, I just looked it up, which means I clicked on the first link from Google. Turns out, it’s 40 weeks to grow a baby. 40/4=10. But, there aren’t just four weeks in each month so it’s really closer to 9+ months. I guess we round down? I think it’s a woman thing, personally. Women like to have small waists and stuff like that, so they’d naturally reduce the number of months they’re pregnant. Yeah. Sexism explains this weirdness.
Oh, uh, if you’re a chick reading this, blame the patriarchy for all my awfulness; I’m really just a product of my environment. (My dad was a HYOOOGE racist and I’m pretty progressive on that front – Armenians notwithstanding – so that’s a net positive.)
Many people believe that pregnancy is only 9 months because of the stereotype. However typically pregnancy lasts 10 months in the medical world, it is mainly the hollywood aspect of pregnancy that shows the 9 months. You’re doctor is right. It is not about the calculations of the duration of the pregnancy, it is the ever-changing anatomy. Please open your mind to reality. PhD on Obstetrics
“You’re.” The grammar isn’t exactly inspiring confidence.
I think one’s belief on the issue of abortion should determine your birthday. Pro-life? Your birthday is the day your parents got wasted and did it in the bathroom at the company party. Pro-choice? Depends. Your birthday could be at the end of the first trimester or second or even third! We’d all have unique birthdays this way. Plus, when you’re buying someone a gift, you’ll know if it should be religious or not.
(Abortion talk is always what people want to hear on their birthday.)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ON FACEBOOK
Facebook is why I know it’s your birthday. Don’t feel too bad about that. Literally the only birthdays I know by heart are mom, dad, my brother, and my own. That’s it. I have a general idea of when my closest friends’ birthdays are but only in the sense of “first part of April.” Facebook is how I’m made aware of these things.
And isn’t it neat how Facebook works? People see it’s your birthday and pop in to quickly write “happy birthday.” It takes all of MAYBE 5 seconds. That’s how much we mean to people: 5 seconds. But that’s better than no seconds, I suppose. Some people make sure to personally “like” every well-wished wish. I don’t. I have waaaaaay too many friends for that. I mostly just respond or acknowledge those wishes that come from attractive women or people with moderate fame.
Oh, and, yes, I’m posting this to your Facebook wall as a cheap attempt to drive traffic to the site. It’s 20(whenever I send this): e-commerce, baby!
Whatever. You like it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEMES!
I was looking at various “funny Facebook memes” on Google and these are some I found. I could’ve used them for you but I wrote all this stuff instead. Don’t you feel special?
My sister-in-law would like this. She’s a good person. I’m not.
I like bears so that’s why I used this. Unless you’re my mom, I wouldn’t have gotten you a card anyway.
You’re gonna be seeing a lot of cards like this for a while, get used to it.
This is actually a Christmas card.
She blew out the candle. Then she ate the whole cake because she was a plus-sized woman according to modern beauty norms, which create unrealistic and unhealthy standards for women.
If you don’t like this you’re a piece of garbage.