Help send a boy to YALE

Hi there. My name is Mike, as you can see from the byline above. I run this site, more or less. I’m going to Yale.

Yes, that Yale.

A couple of weeks back, I was accepted to a summer writing program to be held at America’s super duper great university that isn’t named Harvard. I need to pay for it. I have set up a GoFundMe page, which you can find below. This is mostly what it will say; my sales pitch, as it were:

Yale – yes, that Yale – accepted me to its summer Yale Writers’ Conference program. It costs money. I need money to pay for it. This isn’t money for me to drink or party or anything like that. This money literally only goes to cover the cost of the program and (maybe) my transportation to Connecticut. (I’m considering a bus or train – really.)

I wanted to write, “I can’t put into words how important this is to me” but when you’re going to Yale – YALE! – to study writing, you kinda can’t use that cop out. Thusly, here goes nothing.

I’m a screw up; I’m the definition of wasted potential. This is without doubt my one chance to do something great. The one saving grace to this happening now, after I’ve had life kick me a few dozen times, is that I’m mature enough to actually appreciate it.

(Yes, I can be mature.)

When I say that I’m going to Yale, I’m talking about doing every single thing possible. If there’s a statue to rub for good luck, I’m doing it (there is); smart people lectures that are free, poetry … stuff …, whatever is there, I’m doing it. Trust me, if I wanted an excuse to party or whatever, I sure as heck wouldn’t go to Yale.

Go Fund Me says I should talk about awards and honors but, c’mon, this is YALE. I don’t have to sell people on Yale.

I might need to sell people on Mishka Shubaly though. He’s gonna be my teacher while at Yale. I wasn’t sure about mentioning him, because I’d honestly be going even if he wasn’t involved, but since I’m gonna spam Stanhope’s fans for money, I figured they’d relate to a guy studying under Mishka. So, that’s my sell: I get to go to Yale, study with really smart people, and have one of the best writer’s I’ve ever come across guide my hand.

WHAT YOU GET

People like prizes and all that, right? And I appreciate that $5000 is a lot of money to raise (though it’s only 100 people giving $50). I’m pretty much open to offering anything so make a suggestion. I raised money once before and it resulted in my almost being attacked by 50 monkeys (you can read about that here: https://www.halfguarded.com/the-time-i-fought-a-monkey/).

I mean, yeah, you give money, you get my undying love, that should be a given. Off the top of my head, here goes nothing:

$1000: If I write a book, it gets dedicated to you. (You’ll be joined alongside my mom or someone like that, I’m guessing.) You’ll also get everything else because I think that’s how these things work.

$500: I’ll name a character in the book after you. I realize that I’m putting myself in a corner of having to write a book with all these. It would also probably be non-fiction, so your name would replace one of those whose name was changed to protect the innocent.

(Note: there’s no guarantee I write a book that gets published – but I’m positive I’m writing something that will see the light of day, even if it’s just on my website.)

$100: You get to guest host my podcast with me at https://www.halfguarded.com

$50: I’ll make t-shirts that are entertaining and send you one. I have no idea what it’ll be.

$25: I have no idea. I’ll hug you if I see you. That sounds more like a threat than anything but I don’t know how to beg for money. I’ll also follow you and all that on Facebook, Twitter, etc… I know, that’s a HUGE get. If you’re a business, I’ll totally hawk the living daylights out of your product.

See, I’m just a boy whose intentions are good. This is just one stranger on the Internet begging other strangers on the Internet for a little kindness. I don’t deserve your kindness, mind you, but “deserve’s got nothing to do with it.”

I promise everyone, I’m going to make the most of this. Not just for myself but for you. I really do feel like I’m just a regular idiot who has tricked his way into a once in a lifetime opportunity. I’m probably going to end up doing meth so I don’t have to sleep and can thus cram an entire four year experience into a few weeks. I’m legit planning to rush at every frat (by running around, knocking on each door, asking to join, and then moving on). I’m going to find a boat and row it so I can say I did crew, which is a very Yale thing to do. I don’t know if they play polo but if they do, I’m going to do that too.

I’m also going to carve my name into EVERYTHING.

If you can help, thank you. If you can’t, your reading this already helps a little bit (but not as much as money does).