Belém, Some Jungle Hut, Brazil
I’m Mike and I’m here to write (roughly) 500 words on tomorrow night’s UFC from Belem, Brazil. Belem is a city and this is what Wikipedia has to say about it:
Belém, capital of the state of Pará, is a port city and gateway to Brazil’s lower Amazon region. By Guajará Bay, the riverfront district Cidade Velha (old town) preserves Portuguese-colonial architecture, from churches and colorful azulejo-tile houses to a 17th-century fortification known as Forte do Castelo. Ver-o-Peso is a vast, open-air market on the water selling Amazonian fish, fruit and crafts.
Who wouldn’t want fish and fruit from the Amazon? Gateway to the Amazon is a fabulous moniker though; someone should title a PPV that: UFC 300: Gateway to the Amazon. It’s like St. Louis, just cooler.
Middleweight Lyoto Machida vs. Eryk Anders
Why would you put a “y” in Eric? Or a “k” for that matter? Is “Eric” really so awful it needed to become “Eryk”? And what kinda surname is “Anders”?
I bet it was some asshole named “Anderson” who read a book about surname traditions in Europe and was all, “I’m nobody’s ‘son,’ you mother fuckers. I’m ANDERS!” Though shouldn’t it just be “Ander” then?
Machida is still fighting. I saw a clip of him vs Mark Munoz and WOW!, yeah, USADA is definitely a thing these days. Munoz was jacked to the gills and Machida was ripped like wrapping paper five minutes after Christmas started.
Bantamweight John Dodson vs. Pedro Munhoz
There are 5 Pedro Munhozes in the world, right? But only one John Dodson. (Note: That’s not true.)
Women’s Flyweight Valentina Shevchenko vs. Priscila Cachoeira
Winner is the best 125 lb woman on the planet, no doubt. With all apologies to the current UFC Women’s Strawweight Champion … what’s her face.
Lightweight Michel Prazeres vs. Desmond Green
Wasn’t Green awesome on Lost?
Heavyweight Timothy Johnson vs. Marcelo Golm
Golm sounds like a car sold in a former Soviet State.
Middleweight Thiago Santos vs. Anthony Smith
Last name of Smith, poorly shaved head, ugly tattoos, no tan, yup, he’s a mixed martial artist. (True fact: I coined the term “mixed martial artist.” SWEAR TO JEBUS. Really.)
Welterweight Sérgio Moraes vs. Tim Means
I think this might be the best fight on the card. Great BJJ vs America. #MAGA
Lightweight Alan Patrick vs. Damir Hadžović
The more weird shit someone has hovering over their name, the more I assume they have a perpetual 1000 yard stare.
Bantamweight Douglas Silva de Andrade vs. Marlon Vera
Didn’t Vera used to be good?
Bantamweight Iuri Alcântara vs. Joe Soto
Seriously, who would ever believe Soto was a former title challenger at this point?
Flyweight Deiveson Figueiredo vs. Joseph Morales
What I wouldn’t give to see Deiveson Figueiredo at an Alabama DMV. A Deep South Alabama DMV, with some old black lady who don’t take shit from anyone because she suffered all the indignity of being black AND being a woman and so she’ll pronounce some little foreign bastard’s name however she pleases.
Women’s Strawweight Maia Stevenson vs. Polyana Viana
Stevenson’s nickname better be “Maia Mommy.”
