The scientific community was rocked last week when Mars the rover “Curiosity” discovered water within the soil of the red planet. Further chemical analysis has been conducted on the sample and the results were as a NASA Spokesperson commented, “Unexpected.” Sean Morley, Major General of NASA’s Mars mission, declared to the press that the water found in the Martian soil has been labeled “not safe for human consumption.”
According to a lengthy report released by NASA, the water tested positive for high amounts of cannabinoid metabolites. Shocked NASA scientists included in the report that the Martian water “possesses identical chemical properties to sections of carpet found in college dorm rooms.”
In the section of the report titled “Martian Bong Water,” high intensity spectrometer results revealed 97.5 parts per 100 of rover collected water matched that of spilt bong water. “Probably low grade shit.” Tom Irwin, a NASA researcher elaborated, “They may have figured out interstellar travel, but their hydroponic growing technique was rudimentary at best.” He continued, “We were right to not believe the hillbillies and winos that claimed to have seen ‘little green men.’ It is now clear to the scientific community that these little green men are nothing more than traditional gray aliens engulfed in a haze of low grade marijuana smoke.”
Further research on the “Stoned Alien Theory” needs peer review but initial results indicated that the reason humanity and beings from Mars have not had contact is due to the fact that all Martians live in their parent’s basements, only leaving the damp dark underworld for nightly treks to Space Taco Bell.