The Eagles clubbed the Bears silly Sunday, besting Chicago 31-3 in a game that saw Carson Wentz go 23 for 36 for 227 yards and three touchdown passes. Zach Ertz, Alshon Jeffery and Nelson Agholor (a former He-Man villain, I think) all recorded touchdown receptions, while top back LeGarrette Blount finished the outing with 97 yards on 15 carries. And the defense absolutely shut Chicago down, holding the Bears to just 147 yards passing and a LITERALLY retarded six yards rushing.
In a 35-17 rout of the Dolphins, Tom Brady went 18 for 28 for 227 yards, four touchdown passes and one interception, with Brandin Cooks and Gronk combining for three TD hauls and more than 160 receiving yards on the day. Dion Lewis led all rushers in the game with 112 yards on 15 carries, and the Pats’ D is finally starting to look dominant; at the final horn, they held Miami to just 154 yards passing and only 67 rushing.
The Vikes extended their NFC North lead with a 30-23 win over the Lions on Thanksgiving. Case Keenum went 21 for 30 for 282 yards and two touchdown passes while Latavius Murray collected 84 yards and one end zone visit on 20 carries. By the way, Murray’s grand total was 21 yards more than the entire Lions’ backfield could produce during the contest – a scant 53 yards.
It was a close one, but a last second field goal was enough to give the Steelers the edge in Sunday night’s 31-28 victory. Big Ben went 33 for 45 for 351 yards, four touchdown passes and two interceptions, with Antonio Brown finishing the game with 169 yards and two touchdowns on ten hauls. And dual threat back Le’Veon Bell had some great numbers, too, wrapping up the outing with 95 yards rushing and 88 yards receiving.
Jared Goff balled like a motherfucker in the Rams’ 26-20 win over the Saints. He finished the game 28 for 43 for 354 yards, two TD passes and one interception, with top receiver Cooper Kupp concluding the contest with 116 yards on eight catches. And despite being outpaced 123 yards to 88 yards on the ground, Todd Gurley still provided a steady run game for L.A., wrapping up the win with 74 yards on 17 carries.
The Saints’ impressive win streak came to an end Sunday as New Orleans fell to the Rams 26-20. Drew Brees went 22 for 32 for 246 yards and one touchdown pass, with Alvin Kamara finishing the game with 101 yards and one waltz into the end zone on six receptions. By the way, Kamara was also the most productive running back on either side of the field, wrapping up the affair with 87 yards and one rushing touchdown on five carries.
Cam Newton (11 for 28, 168 yards) had no touchdown passes in the Panthers’ 35-27 win over the Jets Sunday, but he did scramble for 28 yards en route to recording one rushing TD. He might not be a household name now, but you might want to keep an eye on receiver Devin Funchess; as evident by his seven-catch, 108-yard day over the weekend, he could become very crucial to this offense in the not too distant future.
The Jags came up short Sunday, dropping a close ‘un 27-24 to the Cardinals. In the defeat, Blake Bortles went 19 for 33 for 160 yards, no touchdown throws and one interception, but he did rack up two rushing touchdowns, ultimately concluding the outing with 62 yards on the ground. Alas, Jacksonville’s dynamite D didn’t have much luck against THE BLAINE GABBERT, who not only managed to accumulate 241 yards against ’em, but finish the game being sacked just once.
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| The sad thing is, this is actually one of the more intelligent Eagles fans out there. |
In a facile 24-13 win over the Niners, Russell Wilson recorded three touchdowns – two TD passes and one expedition into enemy end zone running the ball. At the final horn Seattle’s QB went 20 for 34 for 228 yards, with an additional 25 yards accumulated on the ground. Leading the receivers corps for Seattle was a pretty unexpected name – Paul Richardson, who concluded the contest with 70 yards on four catches.
Julio Jones had 253 yards and two touchdowns on just 12 catches in the Falcons’ 34-20 throttlin’ of NFC South rivals Tampa Bay Sunday, as Matt Ryan wrapped up the hootenanny 26 for 35 for 317 yards and one TD pass. But hey, if Julio Jones had two touchdowns but Matt Ryan only tossed one, who lobbed the other TD throw? Well, that would be receiver Mohamed Sanu, who lobbed a 51-yard end zone strike in the early moments of the second quarter. (Oh, and by the way: Mohamed Sanu, who is six for six as a passer with three touchdowns over the course of six seasons, technically has the highest career QBR in NFL history.)
The Titans won a hard fought victory over AFC South rivals Indianapolis Sunday, ultimately overcoming the Colts 20-16. Marcus Mariota went 17 for 25 for 184 yards and a one-to-two TD-to-INT split, while Derrick Henry chalked up 79 yards (but no scores) on 13 carries. Tennessee’s top receiver was Delanie Walker, who wrapped up the game with 63 yards and one TD on four catches.
It wasn’t pretty, but the Ravens nonetheless walked away with a 23-16 win last Monday night over the Texans. Joe Flacco went 20 for 32 for 141 yards and no TD passes, although he did rack up an extra 62 yards scrambling. And the Ravens’ D certainly made life difficult for Tom Savage – Baltimore’s defense recorded three turnovers off the Texans’ QB, including two costly interceptions
After a 5-0 start, the Chiefs have now lost five of their last six, including Sunday’s 16-10 loss to Buffalo. Going 23 for 36 for 199 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio over the weekend, there’s a LOT of clamoring going on that K.C. might actually bench Alex Smith in favor of Patrick Mahomes. And if they somehow lose to the Jets this weekend, they really don’t have an excuse to not wedge in the rookie QB for his first pro career start against the Raiders in two weeks’ time.
The Lions kept it close on Thanksgiving, but they still fell to Minnesota 30-23 last Thursday. Matt Stafford went 20 for 35 for 250 yards, two TD passes and one interception, with Marvin Jones collecting 109 yards and two touchdowns on six receptions. Alas, their run game was pure shit; posting 53 on their end, Detroit’s D easily allowed the Vikings to accumulate 136 rushing yards on the opposite side of the field.
A late INT sealed the W for Buffalo, as the Bills survived a tough ‘un, 16-10, against the Chiefs Sunday. In the upset win, T-Mobile went 19 for 29 for 183 yards and one TD pass, while the Bills’ defense held the Chiefs rushing attack to just 55 yards on the day. Alas, with the likes of Charles Clay and Zay Jones in their receiving corps, does this team honestly have enough depth to win upcoming shootouts against the Patriots, Dolphins and Colts in the month ahead?
The Chargers ram-rodded the Cowboys on Thanksgiving, spanking Dallas 28-6 in front of their home crowd. Phil Rivers (27 for 33) lobbed three touchdown passes in the affair, with Keenan Allen recording a stellar 172 yards plus a TD haul on 11 receptions. And don’t look now, but the surging Bolts are now just one game behind the Chiefs for control of the tumultuous AFC West.
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| How nice of the Chiefs to celebrate Thanksgiving by allowing the less fortunate a victory. |
The Bengals won the Battle of Ohio – again – when they bested the Browns 30-16 over the weekend. Andy Dalton went 18 for 28 for 214 yards and two touchdown passes, while back Joe Mixon ran for 114 yards and one score on 23 carries. And because Freakonomics most certainly applies to pro football, despite the final score, the Browns actually outproduced Cincinnati in terms of both aerial and ground yardage – 268 to 214 regarding the former, 169 to 152 as it relates to the latter.
Kirk Cousins (19 for 31, 242 yards) had two touchdown passes and an interception in the Redskins’ 20-10 prime time win over the Giants on Thanksgiving night. Receiver Jamison Crowder finished the game with 141 yards and a score on seven grabs while back Samaje Perine hit 100 yards on 24 carries. And Washington’s defense (or the Giants’ ineptness, depending on how you look it at) came up big time, holding N.Y. to just 84 yards rushing and only 86 passing.
The Cowboys got lambasted by the Chargers last Thursday, falling 28-6 in a horrific home stand defeat. Dak Prescott went 20 for 27 in the losing effort, ultimately chalking up 179 yards, no touchdown throws and two interceptions. And without Ezekiel Elliot in the backfield, the Cowboys had to make do with Rod Smith – who concluded the game with 41 rushing yards and one TD on nine touches.
Brett Hundley had his best pro game to date Sunday, but his Packers still succumbed to the Steelers 31-28. The backup QB went 17 for 26 for three touchdown passes, all three of which landed in the arms of different receivers. And running back Jamaal Williams had a pretty good showing, finishing the game with 66 yards and one trip to the end zone on 21 carries.
With a 21-14 win over the Broncos, the Raiders remain just one game behind the Chiefs for the top spot in the AFC West. Amazingly, Derek Carr managed to rack up 253 yards without the assistance of Michael Crabtree or Amari Cooper – the former who was ejected after scrapping with Aqib Talib early in the first quarter and the latter who, after recording a touchdown early in the second (his only grab of the game), exited the game with concussion-like symptoms. As always, you can relive all of the joy, mirth and warmth of the victory in our official write-up of the game, which can be experienced in part or full anytime you like right here.
The Cards pulled off a pretty big upset Sunday, beating Jacksonville 27-24 in a back and forth affair. Amazingly, THE BLAINE GABBERT had one of the best games of his professional career, going 22 for 38 for 241 yards, two passing touchdowns and just one interception. And Adrian Peterson, despite recording no touchdowns, still looked pretty good, wrapping up the contest with 79 yards on 20 carries.
In one of the fugliest games of the year, Houston dropped a tough ‘un to Baltimore last Monday, 23-16. Tom Savage went 22 for 37 for 252 yards, no TD passes and two interceptions, while Lamar Miller finished the game with 51 yards and one TD run on 17 carries. Oh, and DeAndre Hopkins, despite scoring no touchdowns, had a pretty good showing, fantasy stats-wise: he wrapped up the game with 125 yards on seven receptions.
Even with Josh McCown lobbing the rock for 307 yards, the Jets didn’t have enough gas left in their tanks to stage a late comeback against Carolina, who bested them 35-27 over the weekend. Receivers Jermaine Kearse and Robbie Anderson both finished the outing with more than 100 yards and at least one TD, with the latter racking up two touchdowns on six receptions. Alas, the run game sputtered out entirely, with top back Bilal Powell only able to muster 34 yards on nine carries.
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| Fuck – what do we have to do to make this the main event at the UFC’s Super Bowl Saturday show? |
Following a 34-20 loss to the Falcons, these Bucs are all but dead in the water. Ryan Fitzpatrick went 27 for 44 for 283 yards, no TDs and no INTs in Sunday’s defeat, while Peyton Barber (despite only registering seven yards on five carries) nonetheless managed to collect two rushing touchdowns on the day. Aye, with both Fitz and Jameis underperforming, is there a distinct chance that Tampa Bay could be eyeing a new QB acquisition come draft time?
With Matt Moore under center, the Dolphins didn’t exactly excel in a tough 35-17 loss to New England over the weekend. Jay Cutler’s backup went 23 for 34 for 215 yards, one TD pass and two interceptions – but if you factor in the SEVEN times he got sacked (for a grand total of negative 61 yards), his net yardage was a very unimpressive 154 on the day. And the rushing game, to put it mildly, flat out sucked; Miami could only muster 67 yards on the ground, while their D let the Pats mulch up the field for 196 rushing yards.
There ain’t a lot of positives to take away from Chicago’s 31-3 mauling at the hands of the Eagles. Mitch “The Bitch” Trubisky had a day to forget, finishing the outing 17 for 33 for 147 yards, no touchdown passes and two interceptions. And with a stellar 12 yards on the ground, he was also the team’s leading rusher (and just so you know, factoring in the tackles behind the line of scrimmage, the Bears ultimately wrapped up the game with a grand total of six rushing yards at the final horn.)
Paxton Lynch’s pro debut went about as well as the Titanic’s maiden voyage. In a 21-14 loss to the Raiders, the former Memphis Tiger went 9 for 14 for 41 yards, no touchdowns and an interception before leaving the game in the third with an ankle sprain. And if that wasn’t bad enough, he then spent the rest of the game sitting on the bench, crying his eyes out while Trevor Siemian almost led Denver to a comeback, thus ensuring Lynch won’t be playing in an NFL game that matters for a long time to come.
The Colts experienced a tough loss over the weekend, dropping a squeaker 20-16 against the Titans. Jacoby “Whisker Biscuit” Brissett went 17 for 29 for 196 yards in the losing effort, while Frank Gore recorded one rushing touchdown and 62 yards on 17 carries. Also: Brissett, who ate eight sacks over the weekend, is far and away the League leader in eating dirt; heading into week 13, he’s been sacked 43 times.
After falling to the Redskins 20-10 on Thanksgiving night, the Giants management has made the call to bench Eli Manning in favor of Geno Smith for this Sunday’s game against the Raiders. This weekend marks the first time in 210 regular season games that Eli won’t begin a game under center for the G-Men; depending on how things shake out down the stretch, we may have actually seen Eli play his last game as a Giant without even realizing it.
The Niners hit double digits on the right hand side of the W-L column via a 24-13 loss to the Seahawks Sunday. After CJ Beathard (22 for 38 for 201 yards, no TDs, one INT) went down with an injury, ex-Pat Jimmy Garoppolo FINALLY got an opportunity to toss the pigskin for the Niners. In total garbage time play, he went two for two for 18 yards – including a touchdown zip to former Raider Louis Murray.
Another week, another loss for our Cleveland Browns. In a 30-16 loss to Cincinnati, DeShone Kizer went 18 for 31 for 268 yards, no touchdowns and no interceptions (plus another 39 yards scrambling, with a TD run) while Isaiah Crowell came just five yards shy of a triple digit rushing day. With just five games left on their schedule, the ’17 Browns are on the verge of eclipsing the ’08 Lions as the worst NFL team of the millennium – needless to say, we’re all rooting for them in their seemingly perpetual quest for futility.
