By: PeachMachine (@parkingcone)
Remember the Pick Up Artist? Most people probably do not, but for eight amazing episodes in 2007, the man who calls himself Mystery, lead a group of sexless nerds and the viewers on a quest to both pick up and subsequently, crush pussy. It was a horrible version of a reality show, but it did everything right in terms of entertainment… Here is a review of the season I wrote at the time…
The first season of VH-1’s “The Pick-Up Artist” wrapped last week when we found out just who had what it takes to hang with MPUA’s (Master Pick-Up Artist) Mystery, J-Dawg, and Matador. The answer was shocking, but not if you looked for I.O.I.’s (Indicators of Interest) throughout the season.
Having been extracted from their nerdy domiciles and female-free lives, these eight competitors threw their hat in the ring to learn from some of the greatest PUA’s (Pick-Up Artists) of all time. From struggling mathematician, to fledgling boxer, and even a World of War Craft pro, none of these men had ever smelled or tasted the sweetness of victory, known as poontang.
Eliminated first on the show was Spoon. He was the Chinese idiot who actually won the first reward challenge then quit. What a bitch. Next to go was 45 year old virgin Fred, who won our hearts with his brutal honesty, but lost his mind telling a story to five-year olds. What a tool. Scott was quickly eliminated next after a valiant effort, but his ungodly nerdiness was unfixable with any amount of pick up knowledge. He gave a good effort, but alas, his quip of blue dye in his hair peacocked him out the door in week three. What a geek.
Mid season, an unlikely turn of events occurred as Pradeep decided he was also going to quit. The remaining AFC’s (Average Frustrated Chumps) talked him into staying. Pradeep then put on a stunning display of pick up success by number closing a girl at a coffee shop. This sent the flamboyant Joe W. out the door. What a homo. The whole show took a turn for the faggy as all the men cried. What a bunch of douches. Pradeep failed miserably in the next challenge and was literally left with the tab. This got him axed. What a dickwad.
The final three were Joe W., the fat playful nerd who kept telling us about his room in the basement without a door, Brady, the tall “Ken” doll look-alike with the personality of a carrot, and Alvaro who decided to give himself the pick up name of Cosmo, with a K. After dominating the reward challenges, Joe W. blew any chance he had when he failed to close any sets with the help of a puppy, and couldn’t even bounce a set with Matador as his wing. This sent Joe W. packing. What a dipass. This left Kosmo and Brady as the two finalists, with Kosmo as the favorite having both kiss closed a target and bounced a set to a coffee shop.
The finale’ pitted Kosmo against Brady in a tutorial of pick up skills. The only surviving PUA’s had to take two unsuspecting AFC’s and turn them into connoisseurs of the night life in one day. Brady was cast with a horrible dork named Phil, but with a little avatar change, and some fresh peacocking gear, Brady’s protégé was able to open sets with ease. Phil was even able to bounce a target to the seduction couch, in a successful pick up. Kosmo’s man, Steve, came out of the gates rather slow. His gambits were bland and repetitive. Steve was unable to thread stories and seemed nervous as he was ignored by countless sets. However, under the direct tutelage of Kosmo, Steve cornered a two set, bounced them to the seduction couch, and number closed a solid seven. Well done.
The winner of the challenge would receive the final medallion, Korerth, meaning the end of the journey, and the beginning of a new journey, and would also garner the title of MASTER PICK UP ARTIST. Mystery is also throwing in 50,000 bones. It was a tough battle, but in the end, Mystery chose Kosmo to be the MPUA. His name will be forever etched in the halls of great PUA’s along side, Mystery, Matador, J-Dawg, Style, Papa, Extramask, Stinkfinger, Droop, Pish Pash, Flippy, Tum-Tum, and Buvny. Will the title of M.P.U.A. get Kosmo laid? Of course not. Well, not by a G.I.R.L.
