The Orange is the Worst Fruit
May 22nd, 2018 by Mike Coughlin
Oranges suck. They’re a terrible fruit and should be ashamed. For years, they’ve been hiding behind apples as apples get the bad rap: “a bad apple” goes the saying. No one says, “A bad orange.” They should because an orange is the worst fruit.
And then there’s the whole Garden of Eden thing. Eve ate an apple and screwed us all (pretend that she ate an apple and not some other fruit)(also pretend there was an actual Garden of Eden)(and that it actually existed 7000 years ago)(and that snakes talked back then)(and that fruit could give you magic powers). Bullshit: she ate an orange because oranges are fucking awful.
Fruits, like their disgusting cousins the vegetable, are made for eating. That’s why they’re there. The number one thing a fruit needs to be able to do is be eaten. And easily. If I want food that’s difficult to eat, I’ll go hunt. I’ll run around, slaughter a bison, and feast like a wild man. I eat fruit because I’m lazy and the shit is literally (literally) just hanging off a tree, waiting to be eaten.
Know what you do when you see an apple tree? Why, you just grab an apple and bite into it. That’s it. Nothing else to it.
Grapes? You can immediately start throwing those bad boys down your gullet as soon as you see them. Same with all the other berries: black, blue, red, cran, and so on. Ready made food.
Pears? Just like apples, no instructions needed, no work, just pick and eat.
Banana? Grab and easily peal. So easy a monkey can do it.
But oranges? Fuck no. You grab an orange and you can’t just bite into it. You SHOULD be able to but you can’t. Biting into an orange is like biting into rubber. You have to peel the damn thing to get to the food part of an orange. Where the fuck am I supposed to get a peeling thingy in the wild? Should I find a sharp rock or something? Fuck that. That’s work. And work for food means I’m killing an animal to eat. It means I’m not eating fucking fruit.
And what do you get then, with an orange? This slimy mess that drips everywhere and which has no reasonable and sane way to be eaten. It’s a stupid ass fruit.
And don’t give me any grief about pineapples and them being difficult. Pineapples LOOK difficult. I wouldn’t walk up to a pineapple and think, “Yeah, that’s an easy one to eat.” Plus, they can be weapons. An orange can’t be a weapon. Someone whips an orange at you and you’ll kind of look at them like, “WTF was that for?” Nail that same person with a pineapple and they’re dead.
Eve didn’t eat an apple, she ate an orange. She just didn’t know it because the snake prepped it for her. Because oranges are way more evil than apples. Because oranges suck.
THE GIVING TREE WASN’T AN ORANGE, WAS IT?!?