Harvey Weinstein’s Sex Dungeon
I did this before, for the Emmy’s Golden Globes, and it was a rousing failure. I’ve since seen at least one more of these films and so am better qualified to be snarky as all get out.
Who will win? Who should win? Why should any of us care? Let’s find out because we are only a few weeks away from RAPEFEST: 2018 Awards Edition.
Best Picture
“Call Me by Your Name”
“Darkest Hour”
“Dunkirk”
“Get Out”
“Lady Bird”
“Phantom Thread”
“The Post”
“The Shape of Water”
“Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”
I saw Molly’s Game and then they went ahead and didn’t nominate it. Probably gets a screenplay award or whatever. (It was good but not revolutionary. For all his praise, Sorkin sure likes to write hack. “My name is all I have left” said no one ever.)
Anyways. Get Out is the most overrated film in years. Dunkirk is awesome. I didn’t see the others, though I intend to watch Shape of Water, Three Billboards, and Phantom Thread. I will never watch The Post. Ever. I have no idea what Lady Bird is about. Is it about LBJ’s wife? For realz?
An outspoken teen must navigate a loving but turbulent relationship with her strong-willed mother over the course of an eventful and poignant senior year of high school.
Oh, ok. Fuck the chick behind it all too. She worked with Woody Allen and was all happy about doing so until recently because, ya know, suddenly every vapid fuckcunt in Hollywood learned he was a creep. Fucking liars – liars, too, not hypocrites. They’re all lying about their outrage. They don’t give a single flying fuck about rape. NOT. ONE.
Lead Actor
Timothée Chalamet, “Call Me by Your Name”
Daniel Day-Lewis, “Phantom Thread”
Daniel Kaluuya, “Get Out”
Gary Oldman, “Darkest Hour”
Denzel Washington, “Roman J. Israel, Esq.”
Again: Get Out wasn’t that great. It wasn’t bad or anything but JEEZUZ, people, get out … of here with the praise. Hope it’s the dude who is in a movie about a 20 something year old dude sodomizing an underage teenager. Or Denzel because he’s maybe America’s last living treasure.
Lead Actress
Sally Hawkins, “The Shape of Water”
Frances McDormand, “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”
Margot Robbie, “I, Tonya”
Saoirse Ronan, “Lady Bird”
Meryl Streep, “The Post”
Robbie with the “pretty person uglies it up” performance, whereby we celebrate a fucking horrible person who destroyed a legacy in one of the more shameful events in modern sports. I await the movie where they lionize the racist who tried to keep Jackie Robinson out of baseball.
I’m pulling for Streep to see just how sanctimonious someone can be without a hint of irony. Remember, she proudly clapped and cried for a man convicted – not accused, but convicted – of drugging and anally raping a 13 year old.
Supporting Actor
Willem Dafoe, “The Florida Project”
Woody Harrelson, “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”
Richard Jenkins, “The Shape of Water”
Christopher Plummer, “All the Money in the World”
Sam Rockwell, “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”
I like all of these people and have seen none of these movies. No way someone from Three Billboards wins, right? I’ll go with Plummer so Hollywood can pat itself on the back for “taking a stand against gay rape.”
By the by, exactly how difficult IS acting if a dude can do a week’s worth of work and get a nomination?
What is The Florida Project anyways?
Supporting Actress
Mary J. Blige, “Mudbound”
Allison Janney, “I, Tonya”
Lesley Manville, “Phantom Thread”
Laurie Metcalf, “Lady Bird”
Octavia Spencer, “The Shape of Water”
I’m sure Mary J. Blige was an excellent actress who imbued her character with something deep and raw and isn’t nominated at all because she’s black.
Director
“Dunkirk,” Christopher Nolan
“Get Out,” Jordan Peele
“Lady Bird,” Greta Gerwig
“Phantom Thread,” Paul Thomas Anderson
“The Shape of Water,” Guillermo del Toro Animated Feature:
“The Boss Baby”
“The Breadwinner”
“Coco”
“Ferdinand”
“Loving Vincent”
More people pandering with the Get Out nod. Boss Baby was phenomenal but I can’t see them honoring a movie where one of the leads is a rapist.
jk, of course I can.
Animated Short
“Dear Basketball,” Glen Keane, Kobe Bryant
“Garden Party,” Victor Caire, Gabriel Grapperon
“Lou,” Dave Mullins, Dana Murray
“Negative Space,” Max Porter, Ru Kuwahata
“Revolting Rhymes,” Jakob Schuh, Jan Lachauer
The world desperately needs to know who is behind the best 10 minute movie made out of drawings.
Adapted Screenplay
“Call Me by Your Name,” James Ivory
“The Disaster Artist,” Scott Neustadter & Michael H. Weber
“Logan,” Scott Frank & James Mangold and Michael Green
“Molly’s Game,” Aaron Sorkin “Mudbound,”
Virgil Williams and Dee Rees Original
Sorkin has to win, HAS TO. Only thing that beats overtalking and cliches is overtalking and cliches that is based on someone else’s work.
Screenplay
“The Big Sick,” Emily V. Gordon & Kumail Nanjiani
“Get Out,” Jordan Peele
“Lady Bird,” Greta Gerwig
“The Shape of Water,” Guillermo del Toro, Vanessa Taylor
“Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri,” Martin McDonagh
They’re giving this to Peele and then they’ll clap and everyone else will yawn.
Cinematography
“Blade Runner 2049,” Roger Deakins
“Darkest Hour,” Bruno Delbonnel
“Dunkirk,” Hoyte van Hoytema
“Mudbound,” Rachel Morrison
“The Shape of Water,” Dan Laustsen
I legit don’t know what a cinematographer does, how it’s different from a director or producer, and why they’ll spend time on this. Here’s a hint: if they have to explain to you why you should care about an award, you don’t have to care.
Best Documentary Feature
“Abacus: Small Enough to Jail”
“Faces Places”
“Icarus”
“Last Men in Aleppo”
“Strong Island”
Best Documentary Short Subject
“Edith+Eddie”
“Heaven is a Traffic Jam on the 405”
“Heroin(e)”
“Knife Skills”
“Traffic Stop”
Acting is different than directing is different than writing, and doing a short documentary is way different than doing a long documentary and thus needs its own award.
Best Live Action Short Film
“DeKalb Elementary,” Reed Van Dyk
“The Eleven O’Clock,” Derin Seale, Josh Lawson
“My Nephew Emmett,” Kevin Wilson, Jr.
“The Silent Child,” Chris Overton, Rachel Shenton
“Watu Wote/All of Us,” Katja Benrath, Tobias Rosen
Do these things even come close to making money? Jeezuz, masturbate some more already.
Best Foreign Language Film
“A Fantastic Woman” (Chile)
“The Insult” (Lebanon)
“Loveless” (Russia)
“On Body and Soul (Hungary)
“The Square” (Sweden)
500 awards for real movies and then one for the not-English category: yes, world, this is roughly your level of importance. MAKE MY SHOES FASTER, CHINAMAN!
Film Editing
“Baby Driver,” Jonathan Amos, Paul Machliss
“Dunkirk,” Lee Smith
“I, Tonya,” Tatiana S. Riegel
“The Shape of Water,” Sidney Wolinsky
“Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri,” Jon Gregory
This is totally different than directing it or producing or whatever.
Sound Editing
“Baby Driver,” Julian Slater
“Blade Runner 2049,” Mark Mangini, Theo Green
“Dunkirk,” Alex Gibson, Richard King
“The Shape of Water,” Nathan Robitaille
“Star Wars: The Last Jedi,” Ren Klyce, Matthew Wood
Sound Mixing
“Baby Driver,” Mary H. Ellis, Julian Slater, Tim Cavagin
“Blade Runner 2049,” Mac Ruth, Ron Bartlett, Doug Hephill
“Dunkirk,” Mark Weingarten, Gregg Landaker, Gary A. Rizzo
“The Shape of Water,” Glen Gauthier, Christian Cooke, Brad Zoern
“Star Wars: The Last Jedi,” Stuart Wilson, Ren Klyce, David Parker, Michael Semanick
Did I fuck up or something? There’s a sound editing award AND a sound mixing award? Exactly how bad at movie making ARE non-white men that they haven’t snagged a bunch of awards from these made up categories over the years?
Production Design
“Beauty and the Beast”
“Blade Runner 2049″
“Darkest Hour”
“Dunkirk”
“The Shape of Water”
As has been noted, I adored Dunkirk but how much design is there to it? You just go to the beach where it all happened, clear out some Frisbees and empty beer cans from the previous weekend, dress folks up in your grandparents’ clothes, and voila!, you have a movie.
Original Score
“Dunkirk,” Hans Zimmer
“Phantom Thread,” Jonny Greenwood
“The Shape of Water,” Alexandre Desplat
“Star Wars: The Last Jedi,” John Williams
“Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri,” Carter Burwell
John Williams has been nominated for this award every year since 1979; Hans Zimmer since 1980.
