“If I wanted to get someplace slowly, I’d fucking walk.” – PeachMachine
This message is for people who are tired of watching life slowly tick away in the car. This message is for people with a brain who are tired of being stuck in the lowest common denominator of society. This message is for people sick and fucking tired of traffic.
Statistically, the majority of people are fucking stupid. Not me. Statistically, I’m smarter than most. Chances are good that if you’re reading this, you are like me, and are ready to put a gun in your mouth watching retards clog up the roads with inept decision making skills, piss poor reaction times, and just in general, being checked out of life. Nothing will ever change until human ineptitude is taken out of the equation with self driving cars. Sadly, we are a long way from that.
I can’t take it anymore. I can’t wait for society to correct itself. It never will. We are getting dumber. No amount of “policing” will fix stupid. No amount of traffic laws will prevent people from going brain dead staring at their phones. The vast majority of people are fucking dip shit, narcissistic assholes, that don’t think about others, and are willing to be fucking rude by sitting in the fast lane staring at Facebook, flicking cigarette butts out the window, not going when it’s clear, all while preventing YOU from getting where you need to go.
The car is NOT the destination. Stop being so damn comfortable in your car that you can fall asleep at the wheel and check out of life. You’re driving a killing machine. Act like it.
In my humble opinion, traffic as it currently stands is about 40% as effective as it could be. We could easily shave 8-10 minute off of each trip if every motherfucker on the road was paying attention and was willing to drive. However, they are not because they are only interested in themselves, or are too scared of law enforcement to challenge the norm. The majority of us are willing to sit idly by, scared shitless to make a move, and let a blinking light or posted sign dictate their ability to maneuver the planet. I’m smarter than a sign. You may not be, but I am. The rules don’t apply to me. If you’re dumb, we have rules for you to follow that takes thinking out of the equation. If you’re not dumb, drive like me, with your brain.
MAJOR TRAFFIC PROBLEMS ARE CAUSED BY DUMMIES
YOU: Staring at your phone is not an option. Put your fucking phone on the console or in your glove box, before you turn on your engine. Your text can wait. As an experiment, do what I do at every traffic light every single time: Honk as soon the light turns green. I guarantee you will see the majority of people’s heads pop up and go, “Wait what? We’re supposed to go? Duh duh duh duh duh duh… I need a light to decide for me.” Or you can wait for THEM to pop their head up on their own, which will be between 5-10 seconds AFTER the light turns green. It’s fucking embarrassing as a society. Half the cars that could make the light don’t. “Fuck you, I made it. You can wait.” Hey assfuck, it’s not just about you. You’re driving a 2000 pound tank, and you can’t even be bothered to pay attention? If this is you, just go ahead and drive into a drainage ditch or into a telephone pole or off a cliff, please. Before you kill an innocent person. Take yourself out first.
YOU: Sitting in the fast lane (the furthest inside lane a.k.a. the passing lane) NOT driving fast or passing. If you feel entitled to get into this lane and drive 5 mphs over the speed limit, see the above drainage ditch comment. That’s not even close to fast enough. YOU’RE FUCKING UP AND CAUSING MORE TRAFFIC! Who are these people that aren’t bothered by a line of people queued up behind them? These people have the personal awareness of a lizard. It’s no different than if you were walking down a hall with your arms out stretched at your side and when someone walking faster than you attempted to pass, you say “Nuh-uh, get behind me! I have the right to be a dick!” While this may in fact be true, YOU are a sack of shit I wish death upon. Understand that I’m attempting to get somewhere, and just because your life is useless, meaningless and you have nothing important to attend, I do and you’re making me have to drive unsafely and pass you in the WRONG lane. You are a thief of my time. You’re a fucking asshole, and I hope you fucking die. If you’re too big of pussy bitch to step on the accelerator, stay in the middle lane.
Fuck. I swear to you, this is the biggest cause of traffic today. Motherfuckers (usually women, old people, and trash be it white or other) have no business driving in this lane. Stay in the pussy, bitch, checked out of life, look at my phone, drink a Big Gulp and eat a McDouble, loser lane please. Better yet, stay the fuck home.
There you have it. All we have to do is train people to put their phones away and get the fuck out of the fast lane, and traffic would take care of itself. But that’s never gonna happen. So what do we do?
If you’re like me, you attack the road. You ignore all retarded laws and lights, put the peddle to the metal, and shake your ass. I don’t drive this way to be an asshole, I do it because I’m a hero AND I don’t want to die. Too many people get killed nonchalantly sitting at lights, or in traffic, getting rear ended by some dick mouth staring down, checked out of life, attempting to text some bozo a pic of Donnie Trump making a stupid face, when said dick mouth plows into your back end. I’m not going out like that. I don’t give a fuck. I will not die sitting in my car staring at a red light or someone’s break lights. I will go the fuck around you. Don’t take it personally. I’m not thinking about you. I don’t care about you. I drive this way because I’m a hero leading the way.
STOP getting so BUTT-HURT! Nobody gives a fuck about you, or has a personal vendetta against you. All I want to do is to get where the fuck I’m going as fast as possible, and YOU are in my way. I’m the one who should be pissed, and I am, because you’re wasting my time. You’re a time robber. You’re fucking up the world for everyone else. You’re pushing the bus backwards. Stay home.
Do what I do: Put your music on, set your phone up on your console or clipped into one of those dealies (see above), and drive like a hero. Run every light when it’s safe. Go around idiots staring at a red signal. Just fucking go when it’s clear. Don’t stop at signs, red lights to turn right, or red left turn arrows. Just go. Do it. Just go. Pass people in the wrong lane. Just go. Do it. It’s goddam liberating. Pass people on the shoulder if you must. Do it. Send those pricks a message that you will not be subjected to their rudeness. That’s what you are if you sit in the fast lane and are doing anything less than 80. You’re a rude selfish asshole.
BUT what happens when you get pulled over? You won’t, if you do what I do. Get a radar (rape-dar) detector. Install the ap WAZE on your phone. This ap tells you about a half mile ahead of time where the pigs are sitting raping the tax payers. Just drive. Just go. Just fucking do it. When you’re inevitably pulled over, fight it. Clog the system. Never pay. The system is so back logged already, if you keep just delaying it, eventually, it will get tossed. Make up shit. Lie to these revenue collectors. Fuck them. Fuck these time and money thieves. Do it. It’s liberating.
Don’t let shit-bag-retarded-pussy-ass-brain-dead-bitch drivers ruin your life. Just go. Be free.