August 8, 2015
Bridgestone Arena
Nashville, Tennessee, The South – The Racist Part
UFC Fight Night 73 Results are here. You know this because you can read and see them and some of the video I’ve probably sprinkled and because THAT IS WHAT THE STUPID HEADLINE SAID WOULD BE CONTAINED WITHIN! I wonder if anyone will have their career ended bc of a teammate..l
As always, we have the round by round, fight by fight coverage for you to read along with, and then we have the QUICK AND DIRTY results at the bottom.
Oh. Awesome. My Bluetooth keyboard doesn’t want to work. Probably needs batteries. Whatever. I’ll get them later.
Extra Early Prelims on Fight Pass which is better than stupid FS2 – seriously, FS2?? 6:30/5:30/4:30/3:30
1. Anthony Christodoulou vs. Scott Holtzman
ROUND ONE
Greek boy out early and all up in Holtzman’s face. Nothing to it. Holtzman’s doing a good job of being calm and changing his angles. Holtzman’s the biggest favorite on the card – like, Ronda levels favorite. So far: nothing to justify that line. Greek boy is getting lit up. (Yay passive voice.) Clinch fighting and Holtzman’s doing well with short elbows. Holtzman steps back, finds his range, lands a hand combo.
HG SCORE: Holtzman 10-9
ROUND TWO
Announcers are acting like this is a massacre. Holtzman’s winning, sure, but it’s one of those “Professional Wins.” Holtzman is getting off first. Hitting strikes. He’s clearly better on the feet and The Greek (not Jimmy) is standing there. Sucking. The Greek has a worse body than I do but he can take a lunch better than I can. GREEK GOES FOR A LEG!!!!! (It wasn’t that exciting tbh.)
HG SCORE: Holtzman 10-9
Fight sucsk so far, blah.
ROUND THREEEEEEEEEEEEE
Holtzman landing a series of punches. He’s better. He’s winning. He’s not in any danger. But he’s fighting a guy who – again- doesn’t look like he’s RFA calibre let alone UFC. Trip and Holtzman now has the back. Rear choke. That’s it.
OFFICIAL RESULT: Holtzman d. Christodoulou, R3, Submission
Rating: A day old gyro.
2. Roman Salazar vs. Marlon Vera
Vera is from Ecuador. Is that Central America? Like, what continent is that technically part of? Does anyone care?
ROUND ONE
Roman should use SALAD DRESSING as a nickname. (That doesn’t really work, I know.)(SHUT UP!) uh. Vera is dominating early. Stuffed a takedown and almost caught an arm off it. Newman’s Own on top now. Roman with some boring ass GnP. Red stands them up. Roman lands a few shots. Probably enough to win the round, suck ass boring round that it is.
ROUND TWO
Roman starts with a takedown. Scrambles to take the back. They roll. Vera on bottom with Mr. Reigns in his guard. Vera locks in a triangle out of nowhere. He’s landing elbows. Now an armbar. Vera wins!
OFFICIAL RESULT: Vera d. Salazar, R2, sub
Rating: Salads suck.
3. Jonathan Wilson vs. Chris Dempsey
ROUND ONE
Wilson lands one huge punch about 30 seconds in and that was it.
OFFICIAL RESULT: Wilson d. Dempsey, R1, KO
Rating: Reparations
Yeah, like 95% of people I don’t get FS2 so I guess I’ll see everyone in 90 minutes. WAR DUSTIN!!
Prelims on Fox Sports one TWO … wait, TWO?! DAMMIT! 8/7/6/5
4. Sirwan Kakai vs. Frankie Saenz
ROUND ONE
Rating: No idea haven’t see it. Don’t look anywhere else though. This site is better than the others.
5. Willie Gates vs. Dustin Ortiz
ROUND ONE
Rating: DUSTIN WON! Dunno how but he’s a cool dude so good on him.
6. Chris Camozzi vs. Tom Watson
ROUND ONE
Rating:
7. Oluwale Bamgbose vs. Uriah Hall
ROUND ONE
Rating:
MAIN CARD THAT IS IMPORTANT – FOX Sports 1, 10 p.m. ET/9/8/7
Hey, I got my keyboard to work – all three of you reading… I know Ortiz won, YAY! I think Hall did. You don’t even know who the other guys fighting were so don’t act like you care.
Bless the UFC, they’re trying but … NO ONE cares about Mighty Mouse.
8. Ray Borg vs. Geane Herrera
Insert Star Trek reference here…
ROUND ONE
Borg with a takedown inside of twenty seconds – with ease. They’re both moving a lot with passing and reguarding. Borg threatening a choke. It’s enough that Geane has to respect it. Borg almost gets it Faber style but fails. BECAUSE HE AIN’T KERRY VON ERICK! My suspicion is that Borg is OK technically but uses his hyper good times athlete skills to cover up holes. Geane is slower but his knowledge is helping him survive as he oes little things well. Borg tries an arm triangle choke but lets it go.
HG SCORE: BORG 10-9
ROUND TWO
Borg with a takedown and attempting a mounted guilloine. He DOES try it – but … NO GO! Total survival by the Klingon even though I think he *knows* more sometimes knowledge isn’t power – sorry, NBC! (call me) Borg tries a d’Arce and fails. Long and short: Borg may be better but Geana knows more and can thus survive. Technique matters, kids. (He says during a fight where athleticism is winning.)
HG SCORE: BORG 10-9
ROUND THREE
Borg with a takeodown but Kirk answeres with an elbow from the bottome. Bog is bleesing so much that a near 40 year old man with two kids and who likes the most deviant porn there is said “EWWWW!” The Borg is relentless. Geane almost with mount off a sweep but he fails. Borg on top. Picard tries a reverse triangle. KenFlo using an archaic Japanese term for it – fuck off. Borg on top with 90 to go. This will be Borg’s fight. He tries a crapp ass half ass d’Arce and as someone just texted me, “They may as well have unprotected anal sex now.”
OFFICIAL RESULT: Borg d. Herrara, dec
Rating: Not as bad as a date with Patrick Kane.
9. Sara McMann vs. Amanda Nunes
Speaking of unprotected sex… (not sure who that goes towards as they’re both hot in their own way, and both murderers in their own way, and maybe I just like it rough???)
There’s some weird commercial where people drink beer and then throw paint at each other. If I’m ever enjoying a nice Malbec and someone throws paint at me I will rib the nuts through their incisors.
ROUND ONE
McMann desperate on a takedown off the clinch (not her strength) and fails at it. Dumbsss Nunes threw a useless spinny kick. McMann was sloppy and slow on a leg kick but got countered – HARD. Nunes is pounding her like prom. Nunes has the back. Poundng. Takes the back and gets the rear choke. Impressive. I’ll call that IMPRESSIVE!
OFFICIAL RESULT: Nunes d. McMann, R1, sub
Rating: Anotehr fake victim to die to Ronda…
“Who would you like to fight?”
“Uh, You know, I’m ready. Jump. yeah”
“You certainly stated your case.”
A commercial just informed me that swimming pools will massacre chilren. I’m not a kid but the chance of swimming in piss was enough to kee me away – this sealed the deal.
10. Timothy Johnson vs. Jared Rosholt
Oh, goodie, fat guys doing a fat guy fight…. I’m petrified this will be fifteen minutes of softcore gay porn. Not because it’s gay but because I HATE softcore shit.
Fat. Bad tats. Kind of dumb looking. Bad ‘stache. Yup! Johnson is from the Dakotas!
ROUND ONE
Jiggle. Jiggle. Jiggle…Jiggle clinch work with no hurting happening. “THE BROADCAST TABLE MOVED BACKWARDS!” Oh, come ON! They’re fat, not the embodiment of a tetonic plate. ZERO happened through three. Rosholt then demonstrates the difference between D1 All-American and D2 whatever. Rosholt threates an arm triangle. But: threatenes and doesn’t actually do it. Boring ass waste of my life round.
HG SCORE: Rosholt 10-9
ROUND TWO (sigh)
Fat guys both throwing giant flying hams at each other and both – contrary to their base instincts – avoiding said hams. Rosholt had a takedown-ish. Johnson defending it now. Utter garbage fight. Rosholt is tired. He gets taken down. Fatt Ass Number Two tried to take his back but – and this is a shock – HE SUCKS – so he didn’t get it. Now Rosholt is on top. I cannot believe their are 90 seconds left… Roshold trying a keylock but like most big fat losers didn’t learn propert technique and couldn’t pull it off.
HG SCORE: Rosholt 10-9
ROUND THREEEEEEEEEEEEE (sigh)
AHHHHHHHHHHH@ OMGHDKFJDFKJD!!!!!!! This sucks. Rosholt pressed Other Guy against the cage, took him down, and has mount. Now Johnson gets up. With two minutes to go. Just… call it, Herb. Its done. It sucks. NO ONE SHOULD EVER WATCH THIS!
OFFICIAL RESULT: Rosholt d. Johnson, dec.
Rating:I even punlished his before the fight was over because I didn’t care. Fuck my life. I deserved this for some reason…
I’m of the belife that the rest of the should be good. Naturally: it’ll suck my ass in an unpleasant manner.
11. Sam Alvey vs. Derek Brunson
Alvey better enjoy this life whilst it lasts because he doesn’t have one in the next life… (He has no soul.)
ROUND ONE
Alvey is so clearly from the start a “one punch and only one giant punch” guy. Big Boy Brunson aggressive inside the clinch Even with Smiles holding the Muay Thai clinch it was “the black guy” doing damage. Brunson is landing bit punches, hurting Alvey, he’s swarming all over the Ginger Loser. Alvey down, the ref stops it, SMILES TIME LOSES!
OFFICIAL RESULT: Brunson d. Alvey, R1, TKO
Rating: One smile caused by Joker polluting the water supply.
YEAH! Looking forward to this (which means it’ll suck. Sorry about that.)
12. Beneil Dariush vs. Michael Johnson
Main-event is weak enough that this actually could be called the CO main-event… This will be Ben v Mike.
ROUND ONE
Through a minute, Johnson is standing in perfect boxing range. He’s inside most kicks but too close to get tied up. Benny throws the random, if not rare, leg kick but he’s being outstruck and there isn’t a hint of any ground action half-way through one. Johnaon drops Ben with a big punch. Ben is hurt. He’s using the force to survive the round.
HG SCORE: Johnson 10-9
ROUND TWO
This is where we had computer issues. Johnson won the 2nd and 3rd regardless of what the judges say. They were closer rounds but that Benil got the decision is sad. He made sure to thank people and wrap himself in an American flag. Kinda feel for him because his Christian but like Iraqi Christian (Coptic?) and so his people are oppressed and such. But everyone probably assumes he’s a terrorist because, you know, brown person = terrorist.
OFFICIAL RESULT: Dariush d. Johnson
Rating: A fighter thanked god for his win and it felt appropriate bc this was a miracle.
13. Ovince Saint Preux vs. Glover Teixeira
RECAP
Due to a combination of technical difficulties and falling asleep, we didn’t properly do PBP of this. Long and short: first round was awesome. OSP would kick ass standing and then Tex would get a takedown and win on him there. 2nd round, slower. Tex takes OSP down and controls him more. Taking away a lot of the athleticism that OSP relies on. 3rd: Tex takes down OSP and secures a rear naked choke, with OSP going out cold, for the win.
OFFICIAL RESULT: Teixeira d. St. Preux, R3, sub
Rating: fall asleep on the couch
QUICK AND DIRTY UFC FIGHT NIGHT 73 RESULTS
Extra Early Prelims on Fight Pass which is better than stupid FS2 – seriously, FS2?? 6:30/5:30/4:30/3:30
- Scott Holtzman d. Anthony Christodoulou, R3, sub
- Marlon Vera d. Roman Salazar, R2, sub
- Jonathan Wilson d. Chris Dempsey, R1, KO
Prelims on Fox Sports 2 … wait, TWO?! DAMMIT! 8/7/6/5
- Sirwan Kakai vs. Frankie Saenz
- Willie Gates vs. Dustin Ortiz
- Amanda Nunes d. Sara McMann, R1, sub
- Oluwale Bamgbose vs. Uriah Hall
MAIN CARD THAT IS IMPORTANT – FOX Sports 1, 10 p.m. ET/9/8/7
- Ray Borg d. Geane Herrera, dec
- Chris Camozzi vs. Tom Watson
- Jared Rosholt d. Tim Johnson, dec
- Derek Brunson d. Sam Alvey, R1, TKO
- Beneil Dariush d. Michael Johnson
- Glover Teixeira d. Ovince Saint Preux
