Nitro 64 – One gay night in December
Eric Bischoff: “Ok everyone, gather around. We are trying to capture a specific demo tonight. We are going to really go after the males 18-34. We know what they want, and we are going to bring it to them. Ask yourself, what’s more manly than wrestling? I’ll tell you… Manly men dressed in clothes that make men want to fuck, and constant penis undertones. Does it get any more male-oriented? We will star with segment 1. Steiner brothers interrupt Zbysko and Schiavone.”
Tony Schivaone: “Why is it always my segment that gets interru…”
EB: “Scotty, we need you to be dressed in all leather. If you could get an outfit to make you look like, oh I don’t know, some sort of black strap on dildo bursting with veins, that would be perfect. Penises are super manly.”
Big Poppa Pump: “Should I wear pleated leather pants too?”
EB: “That would be great… Next we’ll have Glacier come to the ring and continue with our manly theme. Glacier, did you bring your penis tip shaped, flesh coloured helmet?”
Glacier: “You know it boss. You want me to do some really lazy basic kicks while my snow flakes fall on me and my blue laser ring light show takes place?”
EB: “Would you? Ok, and we’ll put him with a really non gay looking black man, with an even non gayer name, Hardbody Harrison. Harrison, we need you to be wearing the most non gay colour you can think of.”
Harrison: “Fuscia?”
EB: “Exactly. If you could make the rubber bands in your corn rows match your tights, that would be awesome.”
Harrison: “I’m on it.”
EB: “Ok, in segment two we have the French Canadians vs. the hot young upstart team of Renegade and Joe Gomez. Does this get any more manly?
Robert The Brain Heenan: “How about this… Let’s have Colonel Parker turn French and we can call him ‘Le Parquer.'”
EB: “Super tough. I love it. Also, let’s put an S&M mask on one of the Canadians. Nothing says scary manly like a black patent leather mask… Renegade is pretty manly, but just to be sure, let’s put a rainbow choker scarf on him, and have him do a round off back elbow. Men love gymnastics.”
Renegade: “Uh, Mr. Bischoff, I just sort of look athletic. I’m not. I’m actually quite immobile due to all the years of steroid abuse.”
EB: “Great note. Do the back hand elbow anyway… After the match, we’ll go to Mean Gene with Arn Anderson, the manliest of all men. And let’s make sure he’s wearing that new Horsemen shirt. Wait, Arn, does the shirt have much fuscia on it?”
Arn: “A lot. Probably too much. It looks sort of stupid.”
EB: “That’s impossible. Wear the shirt. And when you talk about Hogan and Piper, make a casual reference to Piper having a bigger dick than Hulk.”
Arn: “Is that true?”
EB: “Why do you think he wears a kilt? Next up is Meng and Barbarian vs. Robert Gibson and Scotty Riggs. Riggs, how much hair grease did you bring?”
Riggs: “Six cans.”
EB: “Hmmm… ok, I guess we can work with that. Better spray Canola oil all over yourself aw well just to be safe. Now Gibson… Gibson! Hey, over here. I’m over here! Look at me! (That’s a lazy eye joke) Your red tights aren’t that manly, can we add some garish frills? And Robbie, don’t add any hair grease. We want your hair light and fluffy. And just to be super manly, wrap some scarves around one wrist. Guys, just do a ton of rest holds since this is where we are basically going to talk about the NWO non stop with continuous cut-aways. No need to work out your match. Just call it in the ring. You guys couldn’t possibly botch a ton of spots, nearly kill each other, and then do a super stiff finish. And at the end of the match, Riggs, you hit them with a bunch of unprotected chair shots, and Doom will no sell that shit. Super manly.”
Riggs: “You want me to swing the chair as hard as possible?”
EB: “Talk to Virgil about the match… I don’t have time for those types of questions… Next we can recap the Sullivan vs. Benoit match. Man, those guys can really work. It almost seems like they for real don’t like each other. No matter. We’ll keep booking them together. Nothing could possibly go wrong.”
Benoit: “Hey Eric, I’m beginning to love Jesus, and I’ve never been religious before. Is something wrong with me?”
EB: “Walk it off… Taskmaster is pretty bald. He doesn’t look manly enough. Who can we put him with to manly up this segment? Do we have anyone on the roster who has a really tattered bleach white jean jacket and zebra trunks and long blonde frizzy hair? (Anonymous guy raises his hand) You do? You’re in. What’s your name, kid? Aw fuck it. Here, take this gunny sack full of money with a dollar sign on it, and go get beaten up by Sullivan… And Sullivan, when you stand next to Mean Gene for the post match promo, get on your tip toes.” (editors note: KC Sunshine was the unnamed guy)
Brain: “We haven’t made Tenay do anything dumb yet.”
EB: “Patience Brain… Kidman vs. Malenko? Aw shit. Make sure we put this up against Flash Funk vs. The Goon. This segment is gonna die. Kidman, can you get that haircut to look a little more manly? Here, take this bowl and go down to the barbershop… Now for the overtly racist angle, we’ll send Sonny Onoo down to ringside carrying a tiny Japanese flag to take photos with an absurdly large camera. Back to manliness, Kidman, after the barber, have wardrobe put some lighting bolts on your boring ass red tights.” (editors note: Flash Funk vs. Goon was actually on Raw that night, Dec. 2)
Kidman: “I was just…”
EB: “Careful big boy. We’ve got a heroin addict gimmick just waiting for the next guy who speaks up… We open hour two with more Dungeon of Doom. Jimmy Hart, did you bring your prop coat from your stint in the musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat? Nothing says manly like a musical. Oh, you’re wearing it now. I forgot, you’re always wearing it… Jarrett, when you go to the ring tonight, make sure your oddly cut dog collar choker multi strap top has the middle strap changed to the colour urine yellow. You’re working with Big Bubba, and he’s all black, so we need to have you stand out a bit. Can you really shake your ass in the camera when you do your strut? Men love ass.”
Jeff Jarrett: “Eric, on my way to the ring, can I make a V with my fingers?”
EB: “Does the V stand for vagina?”
JJ: “No, it stands for victory.”
EB: “I’ll allow it. Men love victory…. Next we’ll go to the Steiners in the ring to call out Sting. Rick, love the singlet, a lot of fuscia in there, love it. Can you manly it up a bit though with a metal studded dog collar? It will play great off of Scotty’s leather penis shaped hat. And Stinger, can you put your make up on tonight to make you look super constipated? Men love poop jokes.”
Sting: “How about I just hang out in the rafters for a year so I don’t have to deal with this shit.”
EB: “That’s retarded. No. You’re gonna have to be surfer Sting forever… This is the money shot. We haven’t seen em all night and boom! Out come the NWO including it’s new member… ME, Eric Bischoff!”
Mike Tenay: “Uh, Eric, why did you just shout your own name after you said ‘Me’? We all know who you are… I’m fired, aren’t I?”
EB: “Yep. Here’s a milk crate. Go empty your office… I’ll take over the announce desk sitting next to the Outsiders, Mr. Hall, and Mr. Nash, respectively. Guys, if you need a quick rimmer or a tugger before we go out, that zebra trunked blonde kid should be floating around somewhere. And boys, I think you know what I’m gonna say… T-SHIRTS TUCKED INTO THE JEANS! Am I right? Up top! (Hi-fives both Outsiders)
Hall: “Uncle Eric, I’m drunk.”
EB: “We’re all drunk… Ok, the match in the ring is vanilla midget Dave Taylor vs. Mexican jumping bean du jour Ed Guerrero. Blah blah blah, moving on… In segment 8, me and the boys will talk about the Cable Ace awards and totally ignore Arnold Anderson vs. Jumping Jimmy Powers. Jim, we’re going to need you to add some gold sequence to your tights. Follow Kidman down to wardrobe. Oh, and have them tighten up the crotch area. We want that seam waaaaay up your crack. I’ve said it before, but men love ass, especially golden sequenced ass.”
Powers: “I feel like this may be my last week on TV.”
EB: “Uh, I guess we have some sort of tournament going on for one of the goof ball titles, and we’ve got a match between Willy Regal and Topher Benoit. While these geeks rassle, we can just talk about football… This will segue great to Mean Gene talking to Arnie Anderson and Stephen McMichael… Mongo, be sure to wear your generic “Bears” letterman’s jacket with your number sewn on the back, for some reason. Men love football… Mongo, use the word ‘baby’ a dozen times. Men love babies. Then put Debra on the mic, you know, the dumb blonde with the speech impediment, and have her ramble for 3 minutes. Men love lisps.”
Mongo: “Fuck me. I have to live with this dumb bitch, and now she’s going to overshadow me on TV! Well, I made a lifelong commitment to her, and that commitment is unshakable.”
EB: “Yes, we all love our wives… Send out the white Jamaicans, aka Public Enemy. Men love white guys with dreads and jerseys hilariously numbered 69. I don’t get that joke, but men seem to love the number 69. To me, 40 is a much funnier number. Farty! Get it? Men love fart jokes… Anyway, Ted, you’re wrestling tonight, but other guy, you also should probably tape your wrists.”
Public Enemy: “Uh, we’re pretty fat and old. Should we go to the gym at all? Ever?”
EB: “No, no, no. Just put on some gym shorts and hockey sweaters. Here take this huge pile of cocaine to the bathroom. Be sure to sandbag the shit out of Luger when he tries to rack you, and immediately stop selling when he puts you down… Did we do this joke three weeks in a row? Ah who cares.”
Ted Turner: “I care!”
EB: “No you don’t.”
Ted Turner: “You’re right, I don’t.”
EB: “Stink vs. Rich Steiner. Get it? Stink! Get it? Rich! Hahahaha! You like that one Big Kev? Up top! (Hi-fives Nash)… Should we use a real bat? No, too dangerous. Let’s use this plastic black wiffle ball bat my kid left in the back of my Chevy Nova. And as Sting leaves, we’ll dance to our theme music rather than try to explain anything. Men love dancing.”
