Parts Unknown, The Internet
Feeling the pressure to continue to keep tricking people into visiting his website, Webmaster Christian confided to friends that he is inventing rumors about professional fighters in order to generate more visits to said site.
“I do what I have to do,” said Christian. “I have video games to buy and a multimedia empire to run so sometimes I make shit up, ok? Have you seen the price of weed these days? A man might have to start examining his own demons if he doesn’t make something happen.”
Most recently, Christian admitted that out of thin air he’d started a rumor that a fighter had an illness. He tied it into a recent story that the fighter had missed weight so as to give it some credibility.
“Look, the guy missed weight, right? And his team said he might retire one day. 2+2= he’s sick. I don’t need to have proof, for fuck’s sake. It’s a RUMOR! Do you know what a rumor is? By definition it isn’t confirmed and, come on, everyone knows rumors aren’t true. What am I, a doctor? A journalist? There are only so many hours in a day and I have a slide show of celebrities who are strung out on drugs to produce. I have to go out, find photos of people before they put on their makeup, and convince people they’re actually at rehab.”
Christian noted that by claiming something was a rumor, he could avoid having to source anything, provide evidence, and could always fall back on plausible deniability.
Continued Christian, “I can’t be bothered to do independent thinking, I need to generate 5,000 views this hour. Besides, I’m not the guy to blame. Blame all the idiots who click and share my shit. It’s a race to the bottom, man. You see what The Washington Post is doing? CNN? They’re trolling for idiots just like I am. They’ve got hundreds of people writing stories about shit that happened three years ago and then throwing in a connection to Donald Trump, all so they can gin up outrage and thus website visits. Whole system is a fucking scam.”
When it was brought to his attention that he’d paid many notable mixed martial arts fighters handsome sums so that he could take over their Facebook and Twitter accounts, thereby reaching a wider audience for the absolute lies he was pushing, Christian shrugged.
“Not my problem, not my problem,” said Christian, who also denied that he was Fake News. “Fuck real websites that do in depth analysis, that try to bring people original work. I’m going to take the same story everyone else is going with, but I’ll twist the headline so it seems different. No, it is NOT click bait. That’s a fucking racist term, ya know? It was started to keep the black man down and to undermine the credibility of BET. I’m responsible for hundreds of thousands of people enjoying their dumps just a little more by reading an out of context tweet.”
At press time, Christian had been seen trying to convince a desperate Instagram Girl to claim she was carrying a fighter’s baby, conceived before said fighter later beat her.