My favorite part about this year’s Academy Awards is that they won’t have a host: not one person in all of Hollywood is virtuous enough to give other people in Hollywood a statue. I’m sure someone will say, “You can’t make this up, folks” but why would you want to if you could?
As an expert in film, it is encumbant upon me to give my immediate 2019 Academy Award Nominee Thoughts, which are as follows:
SOME OF MY BEST FRIEND’S ARE PICTURES Nominees
TELLING PEOPLE WHAT TO DO Nominees
- Alfonso Cuaron (Roma)
- Yorgos Lanthimos (The Favourite)
- Spike Lee (BlacKkKlansman)
- Adam McKay (Vice)
- Pawel Pawlikowski (Cold War)
Bet on the guy with a funny name.
HAVING A VAGINA WHILE PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE Nominees
- Yalitza Aparicio (Roma)
- Glenn Close (The Wife)
- Olivia Colman (The Favourite)
- Lady Gaga (A Star Is Born)
- Melissa McCarthy (Can You Ever Forgive Me?)
Melissa McCarthy? She looks like a pedophile in that thing. What’s it about anywho, Wikipedia?
It stars Melissa McCarthy as Israel and follows her as she tries to revitalize her failing writing career by forging letters from deceased authors and playwrights.
Wikipedia, Duh
This is like the 500th time Big Hollywood has pushed a movie lionizing someone in the media for their lies. Also, that sounds engaging…
HAVING A PENIS WHILE PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE Nominees
- Christian Bale (Vice)
- Bradley Cooper (A Star Is Born)
- Willem Dafoe (At Eternity’s Gate)
- Rami Malek (Bohemian Rhapsody)
- Viggo Mortensen (Green Book)
I really hope Dafoe wins because he’s been in a lot of awesome movies; I don’t know if that is true of this movie but I think it’s about Florida and that’s a state I’ve been to so Let’s Go, Dafoe!
HAVING A VAGINA WHILE ACTING NEXT TO OTHER PEOPLE Nominees
- Amy Adams (Vice)
- Marina de Tavira (Roma)
- Regina King (If Beale Street Could Talk)
- Emma Stone (The Favourite)
- Rachel Weisz (The Favourite)
I want to bang three of these five and the only reason it isn’t five outta five is I have no idea who the other two are. I don’t think that’s the right reaction to have.
HAVING A PENIS WHILE ACTING NEXT TO OTHER PEOPLE Nominees
- Mahershala Ali (Green Book)
- Adam Driver (BlacKkKlansman)
- Sam Elliott (A Star Is Born)
- Richard E. Grant (Can You Ever Forgive Me?)
- Sam Rockwell (Vice)
Sam Elliott should win to ensure that old white men aren’t forgotten.
No one cares about any other nominees, no one really even cares about these, but we’ll watch, won’t we? Well, maybe. The ratings keep going down and no one ever seems to like the movies picked; I think that most of this is just good-looking, rich people wanting to justify their egos.
Most?
