Despite late Senator John McCain’s request that Donald Trump not deliver the eulogy at his funeral, President Trump not only wrote one, but performed it at his own mock funeral for Senator McCain. The President was said to be furious that McCain requested former presidents Barack Obama and George W. Bush to eulogize him so he wrote his eulogy and read it out loud in his bedroom to an audience full of his favorite stuffed animals and action figures.
White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders released the transcript earlier today.
“John Sidney McCain III was born August 29, 1936, then he died on August 25, 2018 just 4 days before his 82nd birthday. I mean he couldn’t hold out 4 more days to be 82? I would never die so close to my birthday but we’re talking about a man who got captured in Viet Nam and almost became president and lost, but me? I won.
Senator McCain was an American politician and naval officer who served as a United States Senator from Arizona from 1987 until his death.
I, President Donald J. Trump am the PRESIDENT of America DESPITE having never been an American politician. I’m doing a tremendous job by the way. The blacks are working jobs and the ones on welfare and in jail watched “The Apprentice” in droves, I’m very big in the black people’s colored community.
Senator McCain entered the Naval Academy in June of 1954 while I TURNED 8 on June 14th 1954 and had a TREMENDOUS party. It really was FANTASTIC. It was Buck Rogers themed and we had little lasers and were shooting like “pew pew pew” so the Space Force will be TREMENDOUS!
John served two terms in the United States House of Representatives and was the Republican nominee for President of the United States in the 2008 election, which he lost to Barack Obama.
I however, won the Presidency because I’m really quite tremendous and my daughter has a great, firm ass. Much better than Meghan McCain’s. It’s really not even close. Trump’s historically have great asses, from my great grandmother to my own grandchildren. Tremendous asses.
During a bombing mission for Operation Rolling Thunder over Hanoi in October 1967, John McCain was shot down, seriously injured, captured, and tortured by the North Vietnamese. He remained a prisoner of war until 1973.
I was never a prisoner of war. I was never captured because I was smart enough to not join the Navy. What do they make? 25, 30 grand a year tops? In 1973 I was too busy defending myself and my father against claims we wouldn’t rent to the blacks. It was absurd, I love those people. I even had one as my driver, I’ve been helping black employment my entire life.
In closing, John McCain was a great man, but I am a much better one, especially now that he’s dead and I’m not.”