Hollywood, or thereabout
@HalfGuarded
The Golden Globes are today nominations are out and I thought they were Emmys! I don’t have a single fucking clue what the difference is but it’s something to talk about so here goes. These are my picks to win the Golden Globes for this year, or next, however it works.
(Winner in BOLD)
Best Director – Motion Picture
Guillermo del Toro, “The Shape of Water”
Martin McDonagh, “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”
Christopher Nolan, “Dunkirk”
Ridley Scott, “All The Money in the World”
Steven Spielberg, “The Post”
I saw Dunkirk and thought it was amazing. I saw none of the others but feel confident I’m right.
Best Picture – Drama
“Call Me by Your Name”
“Dunkirk”
“The Post”
“The Shape of Water”
“Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”
A 17 year old gay teenage boy has a relationship with a 20 something year old gay man. Jeezuz, Hollywood, you couldn’t show the world, “We really don’t get it” anymore if you tried.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series — Drama
Sterling K. Brown, “This is Us”
Freddie Highmore, “The Good Doctor”
Bob Odenkirk, “Better Call Saul”
Liev Schreiber, “Ray Donovan”
Jason Bateman, “Ozark”
I watch The Good Doctor. It is not good. Hell, it’s a downright bad show, I just like medical dramas and half-retards. Highmore does a good job as an autistic – I guess. The show REALLY shouldn’t be given any awards though.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Laura Dern, “Big Little Lies”
Ann Dowd, “The Handmaid’s Tale”
Chrissy Metz, “This is Us”
Michelle Pfeiffer, “The Wizard of Lies”
Shailene Woodley, “Big Little Lies”
Haven’t seen any of these. Dowd because it’s the year of the woman and all that.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series — Musical or Comedy
Anthony Anderson, “Black-ish”
Aziz Ansari “Master of None”
Kevin Bacon, “I Love Dick”
William H. Macy, “Shameless”
Eric McCormack, “Will and Grace”
I’ve at least seen Shameless (it ain’t what it used to be…). Will & Grace getting a nod is laughable. I watched two episodes and it was pure garbage. I will cheer when Ansari is out of a job; any job.
Best Television Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
“Big Little Lies”
“Fargo”
“Feud: Bette and Joan”
“The Sinner”
“Top of the Lake: China Girl”
I watched two episodes of Fargo. I wanted to watch more, as Mary Elizabeth Winstead is scary gorgeous, the writing was good, and I like stuff set near my ancestral homeland. I also watched The Sinner – half of it (the first three episodes and then the last two). It wasn’t good at all. Bad acting, stupid resolution that was too convoluted, just not a good show. Not bad but not good.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Mary J. Blige, “Mudbound”
Hong Chau, “Downsizing”
Allison Janney, “I, Tonya”
Laurie Metcalf, “Lady Bird”
Octavia Spencer, “The Shape of Water”
Haven’t seen any of these and haven’t even heard of some of them. Janney feels like a sympathetic choice as far as being, “Woman who has been around and sorta wins things but will never win an Oscar and isn’t she nice?”
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture — Drama
Timothée Chalamet, “Call Me by Your Name”
Daniel Day-Lewis, “Phantom Thread”
Tom Hanks, “The Post”
Gary Oldman, “Darkest Hour”
Denzel Washington, “Roman J. Israel, Esq.”
Sorry, chicks, but dudes are better at acting. Haven’t actually seen any of these either but I saw a few commercials with Oldman and he looked good. So did Denzel. And Day-Lewis is always awesome, I’m just not gonna see a movie about a seamstress. (Yes, I will.)
Best Picture — Comedy or Musical
“The Disaster Artist”
“Get Out”
“The Greatest Showman”
“I, Tonya”
“Lady Bird”
Only one I saw. Most overrated movie of the year, maybe of all time. It was a solid flick but stop pretending it is Exorcist 2.0 or even a movie you’ll ever watch a second time.
Best Screenplay — Motion Picture
“The Shape of Water”
“Lady Bird”
“The Post”
“Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”
“Molly’s Game”
It sounds like it has a lot of words in it.
Best Motion Picture — Foreign Language
“A Fantastic Woman”
“First They Killed My Father”
“In the Fade”
“Loveless”
“The Square”
Chosen because the name sounds cool. Literally judging a movie by its title/book by its cover.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series — Drama
Caitriona Balfe, “Outlander”
Claire Foy, “The Crown”
Maggie Gyllenhaal, “The Deuce”
Katherine Langford, “13 Reasons Why”
Elisabeth Moss, “The Handmaid’s Tale”
It’s the year of the woman and this is a movie about women being oppressed sexually by religious people. Might as well call it, “The Fever Dream of How Hollywood Sees America in 2017.”
Best Animated Movie
“The Boss Baby”
“The Breadwinner”
“Coco”
“Ferdinand”
“Loving Vincent”
Some of these sound like animated movies made by adults for adults, probably adults who don’t speak English. Coco is a movie I heard good things about and it involves something with Mexicans so they can stick it to Trump that way too.
How many more of these are there, wtf?
Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series — Musical or Comedy
Pamela Adlon, “Better Things”
Alison Brie, “GLOW”
Issa Rae, “Insecure”
Rachel Brosnahan, “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”
Frankie Shaw, “SMILF”
YEARS of waiting to see her tits: totally worth the wait.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Robert De Niro, “The Wizard of Lies”
Jude Law, “The Young Pope”
Kyle MacLachlan, “Twin Peaks”
Ewan McGregor, “Fargo”
Geoffrey Rush, “Genius”
He won’t win but I really liked TYP and Law in it. No clue on the others but I bet they sucked/didn’t suck.
Best Television Series — Musical or Comedy
“Black-ish”
“The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”
“Master of None”
“SMILF”
“Will & Grace”
Fuck off, no one likes these. Mrs. Maisel sounds like it involves a black woman, a strong black woman, so it’ll win.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Alfred Molina, “Feud”
Alexander Skarsgard, “Big Little Lies”
David Thewlis, “Fargo”
David Harbour, “Stranger Things”
Christian Slater, “Mr. Robot”
Mr. Robot jumped the shark – a massive, boring shark – and Stranger Things needs a win.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Jessica Biel, “The Sinner”
Nicole Kidman, “Big Little Lies”
Jessica Lange, “Feud: Bette and Joan”
Susan Sarandon, “Feud: Bette and Joan”
Reese Witherspoon, “Big Little Lies”
I say they give it to both broads so as to celebrate their playing famous women.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture — Musical or Comedy
Steve Carell, “Battle of the Sexes”
Ansel Elgort, “Baby Driver”
James Franco, “The Disaster Artist”
Hugh Jackman, “The Greatest Showman”
Daniel Kaluuya, “Get Out”
Baby Driver was the most fun I’ve had watching a movie all year. Don’t know if it was my favorite movie but it was super fun.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture — Musical or Comedy
Judi Dench, “Victoria & Abdul”
Margot Robbie, “I, Tonya”
Saoirse Ronan, “Lady Bird”
Emma Stone, “Battle of the Sexes”
Helen Mirren, “The Leisure Seeker”
Stop with the Battle of the Sexes shit. It was a work, where the dude threw the game, and proved nothing besides how fucking insecure women are. YOU CANNOT COMPETE WITH MEN AT PHYSICAL THINGS, STOP TRYING. Robbie gets the win because she’s the super, once in a lifetime, hot chick who uglies it up and they always win. No one ever praises the ugly chick for trying to be sexy.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Willem Dafoe, “The Florida Project”
Armie Hammer, “Call Me by Your Name”
Richard Jenkins, “The Shape of Water”
Christopher Plummer, “All the Money in the World”
Sam Rockwell, “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”
When in doubt, go gay.
Best Original Score — Motion Picture
“Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”
“The Shape of Water”
“Phantom Thread”
“The Post”
“Dunkirk”
Without knowing what the others did, and knowing nothing about how scores work: Dunkirk was awesome. The ticking stop watch effect made the movie.
Best Television Series — Drama
“The Crown”
“Game of Thrones”
“The Handmaid’s Tale”
“Stranger Things”
“This is Us”
Just looked up wtf is The Crown: a TV show about Queen Elizabeth 2? Does Britain produce this shit just for people like my mom? Anyways: Game of Thrones was awesome; they’ll have the Vagina Monologues win I bet. (“THEY”!)
Best Song in a Motion Picture
“Home” — “Ferdinand”
“Mighty River — “”Mudbound”
“Remember Me” — “Coco”
“The Star” — “The Star”
“This Is Me — “The Greatest Showman”
What a stupid fucking category.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama
Jessica Chastain, “Molly’s Game”
Sally Hawkins, “The Shape of Water”
Frances McDormand, “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”
Meryl Streep, “The Post”
Michelle Williams, “All the Money in the World”
I truly do not like Meryl Streep, and not just because she hated on MMA. Michelle Williams baffles me in that she’s 37 but looks 21. Obviously, I didn’t see nay of these.
Look forward to watching the show!*
*That is a lie. I had to double check which awards these even are.
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