MOSCOW, RUSSIA
Last time out, I previewed all of the group stages. It was a smashing success and most people agreed that it was the best thing they’d ever read. My mom is sweet. Now, I’m back to look at the round of 16! Won’t that be fun?
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Let’s quickly look back at my picks for the opening round:
- Uruguay & Russia
- Spain & Portugal
- France & Denmark
- Argentina & Croatia
- Brazil & Costa Rica*
- Germany* & Sweden (“Mexico should but won’t on account of them being no-good bitches”)
- England & Belgium
- Poland* & Columbia
Missed three, which is actually pretty fucking good, if I do say so myself, especially given that NO ONE had Germany going out. This is dispositive as to my being the smartest man in world football. NOW THEN, let’s turn our attention to the round of 16 and run through all 8 of those bad boys.
Loading ...WORLD CUP 2018 ROUND OF 16 PREVIEW
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France vs Argentina
France sleepwalked through their group. They came away unscathed and unimpressive, as is the French way. At any time, though, they might explode and look awesome. Argentina somehow got through, looking as formidable as a Ford Pinto in the Indy 500. As reliable too. They still have the most talented man in the history of the sport, in his prime, in Messi, so who knows, right? The little magician could go off for a hat trick and it wouldn’t surprise. I’m still going with France: fewer weaknesses, better balance, and they’re not running out a goalkeeper who wasn’t good enough to not kick the ball to the other team.
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Uruguay vs Portugal
Suarez vs Ronaldo, as I’m confident all the commercials will boast. Uruguay looked pretty good in their last match and offer more depth than Portugal. Of course, like with Argentina and Messi, Ronaldo and Portugal could just as easily go off for three – like they did against Spain. Uruguay wins.
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Spain vs Russia
Spain have looked shaky thus far but they’re still Spain. Russia have looked shockingly good thus far but they’re still Russia. Russia are at home and weird shit happens when commie cheaters get involved in sport but … come on. Spain.
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Croatia vs Denmark
Croatia won its group and deserved to do so. Great midfield play from Luka Modrić and Ivan Rakitić, plus wonderful defense from Mike’s Randomly Favorite(ish) Player, Dejan Lovren, had them walking into the last 16. Denmark are a solid enough dark horse and I could see them pulling off the upset here. I’m still picking Croatia though.
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Brazil vs Mexico
Mexico made it through, despite its best efforts. Best effort? I don’t know how grammar works with countries and football and shit, it’s weird. Anyways. Yeah. Brazil will win. As an American, I naturally don’t like Mexicans as a race of people Mexican football fans, so I’m predisposed against them, but this is Brazil: a team so good I’m convinced that if one of the five best players on earth, Neymar, was taken out of the side, they’d actually be better than they are. Yeah. They’re super good. My boy, Bobby Firmino (I have a lot of favorites – shut up) will step up and score in the 80th+ minute to put Brazil through.
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Belgium vs Japan
Japan are the ultimate consolation prize for winning Group G. They’re not good, they know it, I know it, you know it now that I’ve told you I know it. Blah, blah, some sorta samurai spirit reference here or whatever. They’re gonna lose. BOOK IT! Yes, Belgium will win. They might have looked the best out of everyone in the first round. They won every game, often in dominant fashion. And they should have too, as they’re super good at this game. Belgium wins.
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Sweden vs Switzerland
These two made a deal with the devil, didn’t they? Sometimes, weird shit happens and one side of a tournament bracket is a lot tougher than the other but … yikes. Whatever. They’re spirited little squads, aren’t they? People will talk about how organized they are, and resolute in their defense, and other shit like that. It’s true but cliched. They’re teams that don’t make huge mistakes, that’s all. Liverpool might sign Shaqiri, so I wanna see him do well but I don’t give a flying fuck about these two. Sweden, because: MAGA.
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Colombia vs England
Colombia – who knows. This all depends on how well James Rodriguez is, as he went off early in game three, didn’t play all of game one, and has a calf injury. England is happy with this matchup, as even though Colombia aren’t exactly easy, the rest of their side of the bracket is very favorable. A win here and the Brits might soon start once again believe winning it all is possible and that hope is important. That hope is what will make England’s final fall all the harder to bear. England.
OFFICIAL PICKS FOR FINAL 8: Brazil, England, France, Sweden, Belgium, Croatia, Uruguay, Spain
TV LISTINGS FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD CUP
SATURDAY, JUNE 30
Round of 16: Match 50: Group C winner vs. Group D runner-up 10 a.m. ET Kazan Fox/FS1
Round of 16: Match 49: Group A winner vs. Group B runner-up 2 p.m. ET Sochi Fox/FS1
SUNDAY, JULY 1
Round of 16: Match 51: Group B winner vs. Group A runner-up 10 a.m. ET Moscow Fox/FS1
Round of 16: Match 52: Group D winner vs. Group C runner-up 2 p.m. ET Nizhny Novgorod Fox/FS1
MONDAY, JULY 2
Round of 16: Match 53: Group E winner vs. Group F runner-up 10 a.m. ET Samara Fox/FS1
Round of 16: Match 54: Group G winner vs. Group H runner-up 2 p.m. ET Rostov Fox/FS1
TUESDAY, JULY 3
Round of 16: Match 55 (Group F winner vs. Group E runner-up) 10 a.m. ET Saint Petersburg Fox/FS1
Round of 16: Match 56 (Group H winner vs. Group G runner-up) 2 p.m. ET Rostov Fox/FS1
FRIDAY, JULY 6
Quarterfinal: Match 57 (Match 49 winner vs. Match 50 winner) 10 a.m. ET Nizhny Novgorod FS1
Quarterfinal: Match 58 (Match 53 winner vs. Match 54 winner) 2 p.m. ET Kazan FS1
SATURDAY, JULY 7
Quarterfinal: Match 60 (Match 55 winner vs. Match 66 winner) 10 a.m. ET Samara Fox
Quarterfinal: Match 59 (Match 51 winner vs. Match 52 winner) 2 p.m. ET Sochi Fox
TUESDAY, JULY 10
Semifinal: Match 61 (Match 57 winner vs. Match 58 winner) 2 p.m. ET Saint Petersburg Fox
WEDNESDAY, JULY 11
Semifinal: Match 62 (Match 59 winner vs. Match 60 winner) 2 p.m. ET Moscow Fox
SATURDAY, JULY 14
Third-place match: Match 63 (Match 61 loser vs. Match 62 loser) 10 a.m. ET Saint Petersburg Fox
SUNDAY, JULY 15
Final: Match 64 (Match 61 winner vs. Match 62 winner) 11 a.m. ET Moscow Fox
