INFALLIBLE UFC RANKINGS

HALF-@$$ed UFC RANKINGS

October 3rd, 2017 by Mike Coughlin

The Middle of an IRC Debate

The World of Violent Cage Fighting Sport

@HalfGuarded

 

I’ve never cared much for rankings.  When your top level fighters fight, what?, maybe 3 times a year – at best – what does it really mean to be ranked higher or lower?  And for a sport with far more fluke finishes than is typical, just getting a W doesn’t always mean much (See Matt Serra d. Georges St. Pierre).  Still, you people like rankings and folks like to debate them and I’m bored as shit so here we go.

 

In general, if you beat someone, you’re ranked above them unless there are extenuating circumstances. (i.e., Stefan Struve beat Stipe Miocic and Miocic has never avenged that loss but I’m not ranking Struve higher).  More recent activity is weighted more, though there aren’t algorithms or anything. And if two dudes haven’t fought and are near one another in general, I’ll probably pick the dude I think would win.  This is scientific, I know.  OH!  And if I think the division is really lacking (I’m looking at you, heavyweights and women’s featherweight), I’m just gonna rank as many as I feel is appropriate.

 

And I reserve the right to randomly change these based on nothing more than my womanly intuition.

 

By default, non-interim champions are listed first, interim champions are listed second, and dudes who have popped for stuff aren’t ranked while suspended, Jon Jones.

 

HALF-@$$ed UFC RANKINGS

 

miocic KO werdum gif

HEAVYWEIGHT

  1. Stipe Miocic (c)
  2. Alistair Overeem
  3. Fabricio Werdum
  4. Cain Velasquez
  5. Mark Hunt
  6. Derrick Lewis
  7. Francis Ngannou
  8. Alexander Volkov

 

Overeem has rebounded from his loss to Miocic. Stipe is the Clear Cut Best HW, right on the verge of setting a consecutive title defense record for heavyweights. History says he loses his next fight.

 

 

cormier vs johnson

LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT

  1. Daniel Cormier (c)
  2. Alexander Gustafsson
  3. Volkan Oezdemir
  4. Jimi Manuwa
  5. Mauricio Rua
  6. Ovince Saint Preux
  7. Glover Teixeira
  8. Misha Cirkunov
  9. Corey Anderson
  10. Ilir Latifi

 

Jon Jones is an idiot, boi bye. D.C. is the best by default. Gus is clearly #2. Everyone else is whatever. Volkan is where he is because he wins the darn fights and that’s all you can ask of a man. Unless Rumble returns, this is a two man division.

 

 

bisping KO rockhold

MIDDLEWEIGHT

  1. Michael Bisping (c)
  2. Robert Whittaker (ic)
  3. Yoel Romero
  4. Luke Rockhold
  5. Jacare Souza
  6. Chris Weidman
  7. Anderson Silva
  8. Derek Brunson
  9. Kelvin Gastelum
  10. David Branch

 

There was this big four at middleweight and then WHAMO two new faces at the top. (Historically new.) After Weidman, it drops off a lot.

 

 

 

woodley ko lawler

WELTERWEIGHT

  1. Tyron Woodley (c)
  2. Robbie Lawler
  3. Stephen Thompson
  4. Demian Maia
  5. Rafael Dos Anjos
  6. Jorge Masvidal
  7. Donald Cerrone
  8. Carlos Condit
  9. Colby Covington
  10. Kamaru Usman

 

Usman keeps winning and looked like a boss in his last go. Maybe I’m a little too high on him but he deserves some respect. Hopefully the rumors of a Condit return are true. (They are.)

 

 

 

alvarez vs mcgregor

LIGHTWEIGHT

  1. Conor McGregor (c)
  2. Tony Ferguson (ic)
  3. Khabib Nurmagomedov
  4. Edson Barboza
  5. Eddie Alvarez
  6. Justin Gaethje
  7. Nate Diaz
  8. Kevin Lee
  9. Dustin Poirier
  10. Michael Johnson

 

Tony won himself a title that is as legit as any other interim belt, I suppose.

 

 

 

aldo vs holloway ko

FEATHERWEIGHT

  1. Max Holloway (c)
  2. Jose Aldo
  3. Frankie Edgar
  4. Ricardo Lamas
  5. Cub Swanson
  6. Chan Sung Jung
  7. Brian Ortega
  8. Yair Rodriguez
  9. Darren Elkins
  10. Jeremy Stephens

 

Holy hot damn is Holloway awesome. And the top four all look like they’ll fight in the next few months, yay! Some good young talent bringing up the rear. And then … Stephens? Who the fuck is that guy?

 

 

 

garbrandt vs cruz

BANTAMWEIGHT

  1. Cody Garbrandt (c)
  2. Dominick Cruz
  3. TJ Dillashaw
  4. Jimmie Rivera
  5. Raphael Assuncao
  6. John Lineker
  7. Bryan Caraway
  8. Aljamain Sterling
  9. Marlon Moraes
  10. John Dodson

 

Caraway will never be great in my eyes, no matter what. Never let your woman be more successful, kids.

 

 

 

mighty mouse ko joe benavidez

FLYWEIGHT

  1. Demetrious Johnson (c)
  2. Joseph Benavidez
  3. Henry Cejudo
  4. Ray Borg
  5. Sergio Pettis
  6. Jussier Formiga
  7. Wilson Reis
  8. Brandon Moreno
  9. Ben Nguyen
  10. Tim Elliott

 

This is DJ and then 9 Guaranteed Losses. I have a new challenge for DJ: become the first man to have a win over every single person in top ten.

 

 

 

cris cyborg ko gina carano

WOMEN’S FEATHERWEIGHT

  1. Cris Cyborg (c)
  2. LOL

 

 

 

amanda nunes ko ronda rousey

WOMEN’S BANTAMWEIGHT

  1. Amanda Nunes (c)
  2. Valentina Shevchenko
  3. Holly Holm
  4. Raquel Pennington
  5. Julianna Pena
  6. Ketlen Vieira
  7. Sara McMann
  8. Ronda Rousey
  9. Cat Zingano

 

I see the top five as somewhat interchangeable. The rest aren’t close. At least she has a good husband. You know who…

 

 

joanna champion kick

STRAWWEIGHT

  1. Joanna Jedrzejczyk (c)
  2. Jessica Andrade
  3. Claudia Gadelha
  4. Karolina Kowalkiewicz
  5. Rose Namajunas
  6. Tecia Torres
  7. Michelle Waterson
  8. Cynthia Calvillo
  9. Carla Esparza
  10. Felice Herrig

 

If she beats Rose in November, JJ will have cleared out more than half the top ten. Maybe she should take up my previous challenge.

 

demetrious johnson mighty mouse wins gif

POUND FOR POUND

  1. Demetrious Johnson
  2. Conor McGregor
  3. Daniel Cormier
  4. Max Holloway
  5. Cody Garbrandt
  6. Robert Whittaker
  7. Stipe Miocic
  8. Frankie Edgar
  9. Tyron Woodley
  10. Dominick Cruz

*Women are not ranked alongside men.  Our rankings understand Sharia.

 

The gulf between DJ and #2mis as wide as any you’d find at a porn convention.

 

BUY UFC STUFF

4 Responses to “HALF-@$$ed UFC RANKINGS”

September 21, 2017 at 2:58 pm, SANDY WEXLER 2 (2019) NEWS, RUMORS, SPOILER, and RELEASE DATE said:

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September 22, 2017 at 2:53 pm, THE DO OVER 2 (2019) NEWS, RUMORS, SPOILER, and RELEASE DATE said:

[…] HalfGuarded.com knows movies. We know that all movies are real.  We know that if you’re a vampire, you’re either being hunted by Will Smith, lead by Luke Evans, or learning to be a modern girl in a Vampire Academy sequel. (Being a modern girl is very important for us).)  And that means we know all there is to know about the Sandy Wexler SEQUEL! (We are, after all, the ONLY ONES who know about the third Grown Ups film.) […]

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October 01, 2017 at 4:56 pm, HAPPY GILMORE 2 (2019) NEWS, RUMORS, SPOILER, and RELEASE DATE said:

[…] HalfGuarded.com knows movies. We know that all movies are real.  We know that if you’re a vampire, you’re either being hunted by Will Smith, lead by Luke Evans, or learning to be a modern girl in a Vampire Academy sequel. (Being a modern girl is very important for us).)  And that means we know all there is to know about the Sandy Wexler SEQUEL! (We are, after all, the ONLY ONES who know about the third Grown Ups film.)(AND The Do-Over 2!) […]

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October 04, 2017 at 8:44 am, Max Holloway vs Frankie Edgar for UFC Title Scheduled for Detroit, MI - HalfGuarded.com said:

[…] fight pits HalfGuarded.com #1 ranked featherweight against the HalfGuarded.com #3 ranked featherweight in a battle where the winner will surely be […]

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