Take off your red pants (How I learned to pay women $.77)
September 26th, 2017 by Mike Coughlin
Yelling at the Wind
Office Buildings Across America
She’s wearing red fucking pants. I’m a bull now. Rage. That red is causing me to feel anger (if that’s how bulls actually worked).
I want to rip them off, whirl them around my head, as she stands there in her granny panties, and shout “MEN’S RIGHTS!”
Why I hate her red pants
As part of my career as a failing attorney, I often take on contract work. Basically, a mega huge law firm needs people to review hundreds of thousands of documents and figure out if they’re good for public consumption (in non-lawyer terms).
This isn’t glamorous. It is mundane, to be kind. It’s the lawyer equivalent of a sweat shop. But it’s money and I can still maintain my own practice at the same time. (As well as continue to conduct this digital symphony of madness.)
I got called up, check my schedule, and agree to the gig. Day one, I show up looking like a real lawyer: suit, tie, all of that. Blah blah this one liaison attorney says, “The dress code is business casual.”
This isn’t a real term. Business casual is a matter of art. Business casual once was a suit but not tie. These days it can include jeans and a non-offensive t-shirt. (Keep in mind that it’s not like I’ll ever meet a client at this gig as I’m just reading documents – I could do this in my underwear.)
So I ask what that means and the Lady Lawyer says no jeans. Fine. I think it’s dumb because again: I’m just reading things in a cubicle, not appearing before a client or judge. Still, their money so their rules.
Next day, I show up and what do I see? Lady Lawyer wearing RED. PANTS.
And I (internally) lose it. Jeans aren’t ok but red pants are. Red. Pants.
Women Need to Learn to Dress Like Men
Do you think I like wearing a suit? Nothing feels better than wearing a suit and walking a mile to a courthouse when it’s 95 degrees in the middle of July. I don’t even know why I wear a tie besides I’m supposed to. It serves no function. But I do it because I’m an adult. (Shut up.)
And my suits are black, blue, grey, and maybe one day brown. That’s it. Because those are business colors. My shirts are white or blue for the most part. I look very boring.
Know what color my suits aren’t? MOTHER FUCKING RED!
I looked around on the internet next, literally googling “business casual for women” and look at this shit.
Sleeveless shirts? FUCK. OFF. You think I can ever eeeeeeeeeeeeever go to a business meeting with my guns showing? Of course not. Because I’m a man. If I did though, I’d intimidate the shit out of people and win every negotiation (because of the muscles).
I don’t care if women want to look stylish or whatever: grow up. That’s what it means to have a job. You wear drab ugly crap all the time because those are the rules.
There’s a misconception about equality in the workforce, that women make 3/4 what men do. It isn’t true anymore. Not totally. Factoring in all kinds of non-sexist things (babies, choice of industry, and shit) and women are usually pretty close to men.
And to the degree it isn’t, that’s not cool. There’s zero reason to pay a woman less. Know what else isn’t cool? Red pants as “business attire.”
And so if I was in charge I’d pay her less and call it a red pants tax.
UPDATE: SHE WORE THEM AGAIN!