San Jose, California
@MichaelCoughlin & @HalfGuarded
Here it is: the Wrestlemania of MMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!¡¡¡ Our preview is HERE. And this will be the blow by blow of the main card. You’ll have to bear with us here as this sort of thing has never before been done. A man watching a show and giving his thoughts. REVOLUTIONARY. We have the LIVE STREAM of the entire 500 man undercard HERE for those who are bored.
Oh. And I’m going to try to simultaneously recap Titan FC at the same time as I set a world record for MMA coverage. Yoda yoda yoda. Quick and dirty results at the bottom, after my brilliant insights.
BELLATOR DYNAMITE RECAP AND RESULTS for the Online Prelims on THIS VERY SITE!
Carmont won a boring “workmanlike” decision to start the biggest show of all time.
Malott is the most Canadian looking man ever. “I once threw a woman off a platform doing San Shou” “is there video of that?” “…yeah, if you watch my old show.” Malott has hopped on thr back with a triangle body lock while they’re standing. He’s looking for a choke but not finding it. There are literally DOZENS of people cheering. Loses the position. But a spinny kick by the local guy who is on the card to sell tickets missed and back on the ground. Same position as before.
They’re talking about the ring and cage being in the same building. This:
I mean, it is cool looking but not as cool as a card people would want to watch. Second round is mostly on the feet, trading shots. But trading them. Trading. Not hurting each other. It’s not bad but it’s not like your life is less because you aren’t seeing this.
I wanna talk about three of the products below that we’re featuring. We feature shit from Amazon all the time. I think we make money if you click and buy one, but I’m kind of a moron so I don’t know. Mostly it’s me looking at stuff thinking “hey, I’d like that.” But three in particular, the books by Sean Careless, are MUST BUY. I’ve known, in a casual online only and thus SWF manner, Careless for a while. I genuinely think he’s one of the most talented people I’ve encountered. Honestly, him, Justin Shapiro, and Eamon Dalton are about as talented a random trio I’ve come across (the other two do work at wrestlingobserver.com but also have lives and jobs and such). I think Careless does genuinely funny and worthwhile work. His is the first thing I ever sought out to feature rather than just me looking through Amazon at 3am when insomnia sets in.
Oh. Yeah. Round three. Boring as round two. Malott probably winning more. Your winner: MAJORITY DRAW!! How does your sister taste?
Kickboxing time. Pretend you care. Little dudes are just kicking and kicking and kicking the shit out of each other. It’s weird. This isn’t bad or anything but I’m uninterested. Buuuuut: I legit believe that the K1 MAX promotion was the most entertaining fight organization ever at its peak. It was all 155 lb kick boxing but just had so much talent AND a personality. Every show was good and some were just blow away amazing. Masato. Burkaw. And so on. So many great memories. Thanks for ruining that, Japanese yakuza.
More kickboxing. Legit don’t now where this guy is from other than it ended in “Stan.” And it wasn’t one of the famous Stans. Oh, Uzbekistan. Nevermind. I’ve heard of that one. I swear to all fuck above, Dragon Lady just caused my dog to HOOOOOOOWL in response to her introducing someone.
Fuck me, this guy looks like Adolph Hitler’s wet dream. The Aryan is on his toes but has good hands. The Muslim (I presume) dude is walking him down. But, White Power is kind of finding some rhythm. This is the most racist commentary I’ve ever done and that says something. I think The Oppressor is winning this fight now. The winner: WHITEY!!! The invasion of Normandy failed this time, I guess.
MMA time. LOL you don’t know them either. Talking about one of these two winning an “open weight US BJJ TOURNAMENT!” No mention of which belt, of course. I’ve just realized that the booze I allowed for myself for tonight is already almost gone. Fucking hell. Not-Adam doing better it seems. A little longer and all that. Oh. Back take. Neck crank. Tap. Winner: ADAM P!!!
Adam’s nickname is “The Bomb.” It would be more dangerous if it was “The Homemade Clock.”
I don’t understand bad tattoos. (And one of these no name guys has some baaaad ones) like. I’m a tattoo guy. I have more than five less than 50. To me, everything should fit. Make your body a true canvass. Create art. Or don’t care at all. But these things that are simply ugly? With stereotypical script? Should be a law against them. And a law against abortion.
One of these guys has Checkmat on his shorts. That is an elite grappling Academy. He does not seem like he wants to grapple. Loser. Good BJJ guys though.
Well, this is an evenly matched fight. But it’s also balls ass boring. Holeeeeee fuck. It’s in the third. OFFICIAL RESULT: Gabe wins!
Uh. It’s over. I guess the other 36 prelims weren’t worthy of the Internet.
By the way, anyone bragging a hit this being “sold out” is very stupid. They are either lying to you or easily mislead. They’ve sold 11000 tickets. That’s good. Be proud. But a HOCKEY game can sell out 17000. They’d sell more than 11000 if they didn’t block off so much for their setup. It’s EASY to sell out if you remove 1/3 the seats. (My math my be off.)
No joke: King Mo and Vassell look the same minus a beard and crown.
Bellator is introducing all of the individual fights and fighters one by one like some Japanese (!!!!!) show. You want to be different. I get it. PRIDE. IS. DEAD. I miss it too but UFC has actual fair fights and isn’t trying to actively kill Sakuraba.
OK. Just watched the first Titan fight. Check out the coverage. Now for King Mo vs. Some Guy
BELLATOR DYNAMITE RECAP AND RESULTS FOR THE MAIN CARD ON SPIKE TV – for men
- (MMA) Muhammed Lawal vs. Linton Vassell (LHW Tournament)
Mo with a BIG right hand that landed and hurt Vassell. Mo doesn’t swarm because … who knows. Vassell ries a takedown but, c’mon, that won’t work on Mo. “Vassell is the heavy underdog, which is not a bad place to be.” Uh, yes, it is. That means that, according to the masses, you aren’t good. Mo with another overhand right. They are still going on about Mo not going for broke on a finish. Maybe because he figures he has another fight later? And thus tournaments are stupid in an era where Apple sells a pencil. Mo with another big shot that hurt Vassell. ut now they are blaming a “slippery canvas.” WRESTLEMANIA OF MMA! Mo doesn’t finish here though and the round ends.
Just feeling out grab crab-ass in round two and VASSELL with a take down. Mo is pathetic. Vassell looking for the finish as he has mount. Mo may be the single most overrated fighter in MMA history. (Besides THESE GUYS.)
OFFICIAL RESULT: King Mo d. Vassell
Let us all check out Titan FC…
I’m calling dec on this one. Fuck…
- (MMA) Emanuel Newton vs. Phil Davis (LHW Tournament)
Davis with a takedown to start. I’ll bet that’s how this plays out. He’s looking for the kimura. Davis has good subs for a wrestler, particularly from on top. Newton gives the back but Davis not taking the bait and is pounding instead. He has a wrestler “leg ride” (pretend you know or care) and is punching. Up. Down. Roll. Down. That just happened even if it looks like a Street Fighter code. Davis now looking for something off the neck. Davis PULLS GUARD for the Kimura and gets it! YAY!!!
OFFICIAL RESULT: Davis d. Newton
- (Kickboxing) Keri Anne Taylor-Melendez vs. Hadley Griffith
Yes, that’s Gilbert Melendez’s woman. (I’d specify gf or wife but kids these days reject proper upbringing)(they may be older than me)
Gil’s Girl won the round. Nothing exciting. She just out kickboxed Griffith. Better with the kicks in particular. Round two sees El Nina overhwhelming but it doesn’t work. 3 minute rounds of women kickboxing. They look competent but BIGGEST SHOW EVER FUCK OFF!
OFFICIAL RESULT: The Woman of Nick Diaz’s Friend Who Failed for Roids Wins!!!!
I HAVE MY DICK IN HAND AT THE IDEA DALEY GETTING KO’d. Take this from me and FUCK YOU, Bellator.
- (Kickboxing) Paul Daley vs. Fernando Gonzalez
We are in round three now of nothing. I haven’t seen Daley die yet. What a coward. He’s SOOOOOOO willing to overwhelming and trade in MMA but not kickboxing. Almost as if he’s some loser hypocrit and we should all shun him. JOIN IN THE SHUNNING!!!!!!!!!!
“Maybe not the fistic fireworks we expected,” says Rannalo. You don’t say…
OFFICIAL RESULTS: Daley d. Gonzalez
Fuck my life. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me…
AHHHHHH! It’s PURE SEX, Josh Thomson!!!!!!!!!!
- (MMA) Josh Thomson vs. Mike Bronzoulis
Thomson with an easy takedown to start. We get a good view of his perfectly sculpted ass. DaVinci like, I tells ya. But not shrivled and retracting as he prepares to take on David (that’s some HIGH LEVEL joking, people)(really). Punk with a mount, but more of a mount around the knee caps, which prevents a scrable but eliminates any threat of submission and only allows for light GnP.
Punk takes him down easy, gets behind, not taking the hooks but riding instead and pounding in a proper manner. This is how a guy who has fought a lot and knows he has only limited time left in the sport fights – saving the body for the TRUE war. Look, fine, I LOVE PUNK! I admit it. Fine. LOOK AT HIM! Dream. Boat!
Thomson immediately takes down his overmatched sex-foe, locks in an arm triangle. It’s over.
OFFICIAL RESULT: THOMSON WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- (Kickboxing) Saulo Cavalari vs. Zack Mwekassa for the vacant Glory Light Heavyweight Championship
This is five rounds. You cheeky bastards…
Cavalari knocks Zack down with a big soetmhing or another. I miss K1. Someone got a point deducted. Fuck me, this if FIVE ROUNDS. You assholes. Some geeky guy is telling everyone why there was an appropriate point deducion for … one of them. You don’t care.
Wrestle. Fucking. Mania. Just laugh at any human being who says that and doesn’t immediately mock it. That’s 100% proof you’re dealing with a mark. Some guy who just wants important people to validate his existence. This fight? Makes me regret my existence. (more than normal)
I hate BOTH of them. Oh, they overcame deep, personal dark tragedy. Duh. That’s why they aren’t pediatric surgeons. Normal people don’t punch somoene in the end as a means to an end. It’s people with nothing. People with a brain go out and become doctors or teachers or porn stars or
lawyers – something important.
ER.MER.GERD. (That’s how kids say it)(i learned this while having sex with a kid)(who was of age) this is terrible. I don’t care. NO ONE CARES. Their own moms have both said “I thought they got beat up more than this? My son is a bit of a pussy.”
OFFICIAL RESULT: Cavalari d. Mwekassa
- (MMA) Phil Davis vs. Carmont (Bellator Light Heavyweight Tournament Final)
LOLOLOL And this is why you
don’t mess with a man with one arm do one night tournaments. Half way hrough the first, Davis KO’d Carmont. Yup. A guy who was one of the “original four’ beat an alternate to win the entire super duper WRESTLEMANIA LEVEL tournaent.
OFFICIAL WINNER:Davis d. Carmont, R1, TKO
- (MMA) Liam McGeary (c) vs. Tito Ortiz for the Bellator Light heavyweight Title
Fuck me, it’s a Tito fight. When they talked about how some guy on the undercard was 15 months old when Ortiz debuted, they acted like it was proof of how young the guy was. No. It’s evidence of how old, pathetic, and waaaaaaay paste his prime he is. Fuck a Tito.
Can you feel the energy? The headlining fight of WRESTLE-MMA-ANIA!!!!!!!!!!
Tito shoots for a takedown. Gets hit. Is in danger of a guillotine. NOPE! Tito has an arm trapped underneath, teh “seatbelt’ if you will, and is using it to pound. Liam suks ass and is no danger. OMG! We have more than twenty minutes of this to go. Liam looking to isolate Tito’s right arm for armbar or oma plata. NO DICE! Tito uses it to pass. I mean, I expect one of Tito’s fifteen preexising injuries to hurt him and LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOLLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Liam taps Tito with a triangle from the bottom, while he was in in side control. A near impossile submission. You can credit him or laugh at tito. I know what I’ll do:
OFFICIAL RESULT: McGeary d. Ortiz, R1, sub
Embrassing. What a pathetic night of fights. If ANYONE told you this was actually important, I STRONGLY suggest you reconsider whether that person has a bias or is flat fucking stupid.
QUICK & DIRTY BELLATOR DYNAMITE RECAP AND RESULTS
- (MMA) Liam McGeary (c) d. Tito Ortiz for the Bellator Light heavyweight Title
- (MMA) Phil Jones d. Carmont (Bellator Light Heavyweight Tournament Final)
- (Kickboxing) Saulo Cavalari d. Zack Mwekassa for the vacant Glory Light Heavyweight Championship.
- (MMA) Josh Thomson d. Mike Bronzoulis
- (Kickboxing) Paul Daley d. Fernando Gonzalez
- (Kickboxing) Keri Anne Taylor-Melendez d. Hadley Griffith
- (MMA) Phil Davis d. Newton (LHW Tournament)
- (MMA) Muhammed Lawal d. Linton Vassell (LHW Tournament)
Preliminary Card (HalfGuarded.com) (ALL 5000 FIGHTS)
- (MMA) Victor Jones vs. David Blanco
- (MMA) Gloria Telles vs. Alysia Cortez
- (MMA) Nick Pica vs. Mauricio Alonso
- (Kickboxing) Jose Palacios d. TJ Arcengal
- (MMA) Brandon Hester vs. DeMarco Villalona
- (MMA) Israel Delgado vs. JJ Okanovich
- (MMA) James Terry vs. Carlos Eduardo Rocha
- (MMA) Matt Ramirez vs. Josh Paiva
- (Kickboxing) Serhiy Adamchuck d. Anvar Boynazarov
- (MMA) Gabe Carrasco d. Joe Neal
- (MMA) Adam Piccolotti d. Not Marlen Magee (some other dude – WRESTLEMANIA!!)
- (MMA) Ousmane Thomas Diagne DRAW Mike Malott
- (MMA) Francis Carmont d. Roy Boughton (Bellator LHW tournament alternate fight)