Last Year, Now
January 1st, 2018 by Mike Coughlin
Happy New Year!
2017 was the greatest year of my life. I never realized how much constant joy I could feel at daily chaos for news. My personal life is a mess but the external was bliss. From Nazis to nuclear war to health care to pedophiles to tax cuts and every man who ever lived being outed as a pig to the tune that men collectively pulled back, “Yeah, ok. Let’s all gather, talk this over, and reassess some shit.” I cannot fathom what is next but I’m so damn excited to be witness.
Anyways, this is what happened in MMA this year.
We started after we ended, as the year began in the shadow of Ronda Rousey losing in such a way that it was clear she’d never return. She never will.
Then BJ Penn looked much the same.
As if to put a point on it, the UFC books it’s first title fight of the year: a women’s featherweight championship between Holm and de Randamie. Do you even remember GDR? And that’s what they brought to Brooklyn.
The Black Beast murdered Travis Browne then asked to fuck Ronda. He would do this again months later. Oh, and he’d rescue people from some of the worst flooding in recent history. He also taught Paige VanZant how to eat ass.
Some shit happened in the LHW division, including Cormier manhandling Rumble again. But no one really cared. We’ll get to that.
Stipe people the fuck out of JDS and Holloway murdered Aldo as America killed off the old guard of Brazil.
Gaethje showed up and beat the holy fuck out of Michael Johnson in a fight so good it really was an “instant classic.”
Fedor lost to a crappy football player, proving that PRIDE now has the book. Aaron Pico shit the bed in his debut. This was also in America even though most of Bellator seems to be from Israel these days. Because that doesn’t sound shady.
Robert Whittaker beat Yoel Romero at 213 to win a title that would later become the same title, just made real. Like the above fight, it kinda faded into the miasma.
Rockhold won. Nunes won again. Weidman killed Gastelum.
None of it mattered because Jon Jones returned and owned Daniel Cormier. Jones put all the bullshit behind him for a night and walked through a championship level fighter like it was nothing. Cormier rightfully cried in the corner, devastated from the full weight brunting him as he realized Jones would always and forever be better.
And then Jones fucked up because of course he did.
Dude the truth is I would never do steroids, I put that on my children and I put that on my Heavenly Father https://t.co/i8EEbrQU5x
— Jon Bones Jones (@JonnyBones) September 14, 2017
Jones failed a drug test. Again. And he’s claiming some sorta tainted supplement. Again. This man is a national FUCKING hero and I just realized: he’s absolutely gonna get away with it because he learned the lesson before any of us that Up is Down, Boys are Girls, the GOP loves pedophiles and everyone who ever had power has shown his cock to someone… Jones Was Trump Before Trump Was Trump.
Boxing is a mad game. pic.twitter.com/Nyzywv8H7O
— Conor McGregor (@TheNotoriousMMA) September 17, 2017
Tony Ferguson won a belt no one thought was real while Mighty Mouse set the greatest record in MMA history and the UFC pretended it never happened.
Colby Covington went to war with Brazil like no one has ever gone to war. It caused Trump and Whoever From Mexico to say, “Wow, too far.” And then he beat the shit out of Demian Maia as they rained down garbage and feces. AND THEN Werdum threw a boomerang at him, while in Australia. And people wonder when new stars will arrive. Dopes.
Live footage from
Brazil! Look at this #FilthyAnimal go! @RdosAnjosMMA win over old man Lawler was so inspiring, now everyone back in that #DUMP is trying to jump old men and run away!!! @ufc @danawhite @seanshelby pic.twitter.com/siXVfYmrJp
— Colby Covington (@ColbyCovMMA) December 17, 2017
Cody Garbrandt ate shit. So did Joanna Champion. I walked around the building and NYC in general for a weekend I know I’ll never forget and I’m aware that makes me sound all Transy but I have a good memory.
GSP fought in MSG for the UFC and Won in Round Three. Every day that goes by makes this fight even greater. It was absolutely a legendary performance by GSP to slide in and beat the legit MW champion in the main-event of a mega show in MSG. And to finish Bisping like he did, only to then walk away and say, “Piss off, Dana. I lied. I’m out.” He planned all of this and is so much shrewder than we give him credit for. I really think the more he shows he controls his destiny in subtle ways the more you appreciate him sticking it to the UFC.
They crowned ANOTHER new champion and no one cared because it wasn’t Roxy. Holloway scared us all. Alvarez took Gaethje’s zero. Yancy Meideros rode a cowboy into the ground for almost 15 minutes of violent upon young children level violence.
Brian Ortega arrived. Rafael dos Anjos escorted Lawler out the door. Conor McGregor punched more mob bosses than he did Cage fighters, probably fucked that hot British chick, had a baby, bought a Yacht, followed a Guy Ritchie movie script like it was The Secret, and did what we all would do if we could.
And then we had two chicks fight for a belt in a division that literally has two people in it.