Lincoln City, NV-
Vice President Pence took time off from his busy schedule of hating the LGBTQ community and suppressing his raging gay boners for other men, and tended to a great concern facing our nation, the Area 51 raids in September.
Pence (often confused with an Alien himself for his lack of emotion and facial expressions) decided to address concerns that the Aliens are living in sub par conditions by paying the famed, highly classified area a visit to reassure us that thousands of fat white kids will not have to storm the facility to rescue the aliens and burn any unnecessary calories or miss any Rocket League tournaments.
“I had the pleasure of touring the facility and spoke to several of my family members…I mean residents, ERASE ERASE ERASE THE HUMANS HEARD THAT… and they are living in top of the line conditions.”
Vice President Pence adjusted a zipper on the back of his neck and continued:
“The food is excellent, they serve everything from live cats to driveway gravel, which is delicious and essential for our alien digestive sys…ERASE ERASE ERASE THE HUMANS ARE STARING THEY SEEM PUZZLED!”
When asked why they’ve been kept so long in such amazing conditions he said:
“Why wouldn’t we take care of them? It’s the humane thing to do. They just wanted to come to earth for a better life, escape wars and tyranny that’s happening on their planets. We are teaching them about our planet in there. Providing tools they need to become citizens. Once we make sure that humans are ready to accept them into our planet we will help them become earthlings and assimilate while contributing aspects of their culture to our world. It’d be silly to deny them an inalienable right like that. They are parents just trying to raise their kids in peace and prosperity, it’s not like they’re Mexican!”