NFL Power Rankings (Week 13!)

December 7th, 2017 by The Staff



This Week’s Episode:
“A Fine Line Between Parity and Parody”



Philadelphia Eagles (10-2)
Season Point Differential: +146
The Eagles came up short in their road trip to Seattle Sunday night, falling to the Seahawks 24-10. Carson Wentz went 29 for 45 for 348 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split, with top receiver Nelson Algholor finishing the game with 141 yards and a score on seven hauls. Still, Philly’s O-line looked uncharacteristically bad, allowing their QB to get sacked three times for minus 21 yards and get hit after the pass an additional eight times.



New England Patriots (10-2)
Season Point Differential: +125
Tom Brady (21 for 30, 258 yards, one interception) didn’t even need to throw any touchdowns for his Pats to stomp the Bills 23-3 over the weekend. Dion Lewis had 92 yards on 15 carries, while Rex Burkhead (78 yards on 12 carries) finished the game with two waltzes into enemy end zone. Of course, the game will forever be remembered for Gronk dropping the People’s Elbow on Tre’Davious White – who, irony of ironies, just so happens to be black.



Minnesota Vikings (10-2)
Season Point Differential: +81
Case Keenum continues to make his case (get it?) for regular season MVP following the Vikes’ 14-9 win over the Falcons. In the victory, Keenum went 25 for 30 for 227 yards and two touchdown passes – including one to Jerrick McKinnon, who then proceeded to mock his opponents by doing the Dirty Bird in their own house. Oh, and former Raiders Latavius Murray continues to excel as a dual threat back – he concluded the game with 76 yards rushing and 21 receiving.



Pittsburgh Steelers (10-2)
Season Point Differential: +68
The Steelers rallied from a 17-0 deficit to defeat the Bengals 23-20 on Monday night. In what was probably the most violent game of the season thus far, linebacker Ryan Shazier was carted off the field with a spinal injury, while JuJu Simon-Schuster did a stretcher job on Vontaze Burfict, who – let’s face it – probably deserved it. On, and if you care, Big Ben had an alright game, too – he went 24 for 40 for 290 yards and a two-to-one TD-to-INT split.



Los Angeles Rams (9-3)
Season Point Differential: +139
The Rams guaranteed their first winning season since 2003 via a 32-16 win over Arizona on Sunday. Jared Goff went 21 for 31 for 220 yards, two TD passes and one interception, while Todd Gurley collected 74 yards on the ground plus another 84 as a receiver. And let’s hear it for Alec Ogletree – the no-name defender who snagged an errant pass from THE BLAINE GABBERT for an easy six on the board.



New Orleans Saints (9-3)
Season Point Differential: +110
The Panthers came out on top in a super-duper important NFC South showdown Sunday, besting divisional rivals Carolina 31-21. Drew Brees went 25 for 34 for 269 yards and one TD pass, while backs Mark Ingram and Alvin Kamara combined for 145 yards and three touchdowns running the rock. And holy shit, did this team really hold Cam Newton to just 167 yards passing?



Jacksonville Jaguars (8-4)
Season Point Differential: +121
The Jags whupped the tar out of the Colts Sunday, besting their AFC South adversaries 30-10. Blake Bortles had a fantastic game, going 26 for 35 for 309 yards and two TD passes, while Leonard Fournette carried the leather lunch box for 57 yards and one score on 20 carries. And, of course, the defense stood tall, holding Jacoby “Whisker Biscuit” Brissett to just 149 yards once you factor in the yardage he lost after getting sacked four times.



Seattle Seahawks (8-4)
Season Point Differential: +68

The Seahawks stood tall in their Sunday night home stand, beating the Eagles by 14 points on prime-time TV. Russell Wilson had a fantastic showing, going 20 for 31 for 227 yards and three touchdown passes – all three of which landed in the open arms of three different receivers. And underrated back Mike Davis looked pretty good drilling through Philadelphia’s ferocious defensive line, finishing the outing with 64 yards on 16 carries.

Huh. Looks like trash collection came early this week.



Carolina Panthers (8-4)
Season Point Differential: +31
Well, you can’t blame Cam Newton for the Panthers’ 31-21 loss to the Saints Sunday. Carolina’s gunslinger went 17 for 27 for 183 yards and two TD passes, plus he collected another 51 yards on six rushes. But yeah, about those three instances of the Panthers’ coughing up the football …



Tennessee Titans (8-4)
Season Point Differential: -16
Backhanded compliment time: the Titans, depending on your perspective, are either the worst “good” team in the NFL or the best “bad” one, as evident by their season-long points differential of minus 16 (making them the only team in the League with a winning record and a SPD in the negatives.) Still, those fuckers keep finding ways to win games, and such was the case when they bested Houston 24-13 over the weekend. Alas, we’ll give credit where credit is due – with Derrick Henry and DeMarco Murray combining for nearly 200 rushing yards against the Texans, theirs is certainly a potent (if not underestimated) rushing attack that could carry them a lot further down the stretch than any of us anticipate.



Baltimore Ravens (7-5)
Season Point Differential: +73
In a 44-20 win over Detroit, Joe Flacco went 23 for 36 for 269 yards and two passing touchdowns, while running back Alex Collins collected 75 yards and two touchdowns on 15 carries. And while Baltimore couldn’t do too much to stop Matt Stafford’s 292-yard passing day, they at least managed to collect two interceptions on the day – including a 45-yard pick six returned by Eric Weddle.



Atlanta Falcons (7-5)
Season Point Differential: +30
The Vikings’ defense kept Matt Ryan in check last Sunday, as last year’s MVP could only muster 173 yards and no TD passes in a 14-9 loss. Devonta Freeman, however, looked pretty good running the rock, wrapping up the game with 74 yards on 12 touches. And how about this: despite staring down one of the best pass rushes in the League, Atlanta’s O-line didn’t let Minnesota’s defenders sack Ryan once.



Los Angeles Chargers (6-6)
Season Point Differential: +56
Phil Rivers went 31 for 43 for 344 yards and a solo TD pass in the Chargers’ 19-10 win over the Browns Sunday. Keenan Allen’s Pro Bowl-worthy season continued, as the top-tier receiver racked up 105 yards and one touchdown on 10 hauls. And Melvin Gordon didn’t look too shabby, either – he finished the game with 77 yards (but no scores) on 19 carries.



Kansas City Chiefs (6-6)
Season Point Differential: +29
And Sunday’s 38-31 loss to the Jets makes it a four-game losing streak for Kansas City, who’ve gone almost a full month since last recording a victory. So yes, the team that started off the year 5-0 is now caught in a three-way tie for the AFC West’s top slot, and could be kicked off the top as early as this Sunday when they host the Raiders. Alas, with Alex Smith (19 for 33, 366 yards) lobbing four touchdown passes in last weekend’s loss, he probably won’t get benched in favor of rookie QB Patrick Mahomes – although shit could get real if he turns in a lackluster performance in the first quarter or two this weekend against the team’s arch-nemesis.



Detroit Lions (6-6)
Season Point Differential: +6
Despite Matt Stafford nearly posting another 300-yard game, the Lions still got gobsmacked by the Ravens Sunday, ultimately losing 44-20. Despite being outproduced on the ground 101 yards to 78, the Lions still managed to collect just as many rushing scores (two) as their adversaries. The difference maker was the passing game; whereas Joe Flacco had two TD passes on the day, the Lions wound up lobbing two interceptions … including a very costly pick six late in the fourth that effectively closed the casket on any comeback attempts.



Dallas Cowboys (6-6)
Season Point Differential: +2

The Cowboys pretty much ethnic cleansed the Redskins Thursday night, pummeling their arch rivals 38-14 in prime-time. Dak Prescott went 11 for 22 for 102 yards and two touchdown passes and ran for another 28, but the real difference maker here was the Cowboys’ run game, which – even without Ezekiel Elliot in the backfield – managed to outyard Washington on the ground 182 yards to 56. Hope you fantasy footballers started back Alfred Morris, seeing as how he only had 127 rushing yards in the contest.

Some of you might call it “unnecessary roughness.” I prefer to call it celestial justice.
Green Bay Packers (6-6)
Season Point Differential: -23

It took some overtime play to do it, but the Packers won the 2017 Battle of the Bays with a 26-20 win over the Bucs. Brett Hundley went 13 for 22 for 84 yards, no touchdowns and an interception, but thankfully, the Packers’ rushing attack was a tad more potent. At the final horn, back Jamaal Williams had 113 yards and one TD on 21 carries, while Aaron Jones’ 20-yard walkoff – err, runoff? – TD in extra innings sealed the victory for G.B.



Oakland Raiders (6-6)
Season Point Differential: -29

The Raiders are back at .500 following Sunday’s 24-17 win over the lowly, lowly New York Suck-Ball Giants. Marshawn Lynch had his best game since coming out of retirement, carrying the rock for 101 yards on 17 carries – including a 51-yard touchdown scamper. And even without Amari Cooper or Michael Crabtree in the lineup, Derek Carr still managed to rack up some big numbers – he finished the outing 22 for 36 for 287 yards and one TD pass.



Buffalo Bills (6-6)
Season Point Differential: -56
The Bills never really showed up in their demoralizing 23-3 loss to the Patriots. T-Mobile (9 for 18, 65 yards, one INT) exited the game with an injury, and Nathan Peterman (six for 15, 50 yards, no TDs) hardly played any better. But on the bright side, at least LeSean McCoy did his part to make fantasy football players happy, as he finished the game with 93 yards on 15 carries.



Cincinnati Bengals (5-7)
Season Point Differential: -19
At the beginning of the second quarter, the Bengals had an improbable 17-0 lead on the Steelers. Alas, the Bengals still being the Bungles, they proceeded to piss away their two touchdown-plus lead en route to a 23-20 Monday night loss. All things considered, though, Andy Dalton did alright, I suppose – he wrapped up the game 21 for 36 for 234 yards and two TD passes.



New York Jets (5-7)
Season Point Differential: -22
The Jets scored a huge upset against the Chiefs this weekend, besting K.C. 38-31 in a thriller. Josh McCown went 26 for 36 for 331 yards and one touchdown pass, while the Jets’ backfield combined for 157 yards and three scrambling scores. Of course, the Jets’ pass defense is still atrocious – as evident by the fact they let Alex Smith scorch ’em for 366 yards and four TD passes.



Washington Redskins (5-7)
Season Point Differential: -42
Kirk Cousins had a so-so performance in the Redskins’ 38-14 loss to the Cowboys. He went 26 for 37 for 251 yards and a two-to-two TD-to-INT ratio, while the run game completely sputtered out. The best Washington could do running the rock was 56, with rookie Samaje Perine leading the pack with 38 yards on 12 carries. Meanwhile, the rushing defense totally took the night off, easily allowing the Dallas backfield to trample all over ’em for 182 yards.
Miami Dolphins (5-7)
Season Point Differential: -89

The Dolphins pretty much poached the Broncos Sunday, destroying Denver 35-9. Oddly enough, it was Miami’s defense that won ’em this ballgame, as the Fins capitalized on a pick six toss from Trevor Siemian and not just one but TWO safeties to begin and end the contest. And if you’re wondering how Jay Cutler fared, he did just OK: 18 for 31 for 235 yards, two TD passes and two interceptions.



Arizona Cardinals (5-7)
Season Point Differential: -91

The season-long blues continue for Arizona following their 32-16 loss to the Rams. Despite THE BLAINE GABBERT going 18 for 32 for 221 yards and a TD pass, he also threw two costly interceptions (including a pick six) and got sacked SIX times for a cumulative 27-yard loss. But Larry Fitzgerald did have a pretty good showing, at least – the veteran receiver concluded the outing with 98 yards and one TD on ten catches.

TFW you know it’s your last day on the job.



Houston Texans (4-8)
Season Point Differential: -13
Not surprisingly, Houston dropped Sunday’s game against the Titans 24-13. What is surprising, however, are Tom Savage’s numbers. The Texans’ backup QB went 31 for 49 for 365 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split – in the process, more than doubling Marcus Mariota’s total aerial production. Of course, the Texans’ run game sputtered out entirely, however, ultimately getting outpaced by Tennessee 198 yards to 53.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-8)
Season Point Differential: -45

Tampa Bay dropped another close one over the weekend – this one, a 26-20 loss to Green Bay in O.T. The big news is that Jameis Winston is officially back in the rotation, and he didn’t look too shabby in the loss; at the final horn, he went 21 for 32 for 270 yards and two touchdown passes – both of which landed in the arms of Cameron Brate, whose only two catches of the day resulted in points on the scoreboard.



Chicago Bears (3-9)
Season Point Differential: -76

Mitch “The Bitch” Trubisky had a terrible outing in Sunday’s 15-14 loss to San Fran. At the final horn, he went 12 for 15 on pass attempts for a paltry 102 yards – which, factoring in sacks – can be reduced to only 85 yards on the day. And the run game wasn’t there to bail out the anemic pass attack, either; the best the Bears’ backs could muster was 62 yards on the ground, with Jordan Howard producing a scant 38 yards on 13 carries.



Denver Broncos (3-9)
Season Point Differential: -109

Trevor Siemian had a day to forget in the Broncos’ 35-9 loss to the Dolphins. He went 19 for 41 for 200 yards, but since he got sacked thrice, the net yardage rolls back to just 167. Oh, and he lobbed three interceptions, including one that got returned to the house for six easy points on Miami’s side of the scoreboard. Shit, with a game like that, Paxton Lynch might see another start before the season’s over after all.



Indianapolis Colts (3-9)
Season Point Differential: -125
The Colts got their blue and white asses kicked Sunday, falling to Jacksonville 30-10. Old Whisker Biscuit went 21 or 36 in the losing bid, ultimately finishing the game with 174 yards, one touchdown and two interceptions. Oddly enough, though, the Colts did indeed outyard the Jags on the ground; at the final horn, Indianapolis had 141 rushing yards, compared to Jacksonville’s 96 (which, unlike the Colts’ ground production, however, came with one TD attached.)



San Francisco 49ers (2-10)
Season Point Differential: -96

Yeah, the Niners only beat the Bears by one point Sunday, but when you’re a 1-10 team, you’ll take positive integers on the left hand side of the W-L column anyway you can get ’em. Jimmy Garoppolo went 26 for 37 for 293 yards, no touchdowns and one interception in the 15-14 win, with receivers Marquise Goodwin and Trent Taylor each reeling in 90 plus reception yards a piece. And holy shit, did SF’s defense look marvelous, holding Chicago to only 102 yards passing and just 62 running the ball.



New York Giants (2-10)
Season Point Differential: -102

Well, the Geno Smith experiment wasn’t exactly a rousing success for the Giants. Eli’s replacement went 21 for 34 for 200 yards and one TD pass in New York’s 24-17 loss to Oakland, while the G-Men got outgained on the ground by the Raiders by a 119 yards to 65 yards margin. Unsurprisingly, head coach Ben McAdoo got McFired the day after the game; We’ll see how interim H.C. Steve Spagnuolo fares over the remaining four games on the schedule, but if I was a betting man, I’d definitely gamble the farm that The Spag won’t be calling the shots on the sidelines for N.Y. next season. And while we’re making predictions on who will and who won’t be on the Giants’ sideline in 2018, I’d venture to guess old Eli won’t be a locker room presence no more, either.



Cleveland Browns (0-12)
Season Point Differential: -132
Another week, another loss for the Browns. This time around, their most recent L came in the form of a shockingly close 19-10 defeat against the Chargers, in a game that saw DeShone Kizer go 15 for 32 for 215 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio. Rumors abound that the Browns are already in “talks” with UCLA’s Josh Rosen to be their first round draft pick – and yes, people are already telling him to not sign with them, even if it does cost him a rookie year paycheck.



NFL Power Rankings appear here every week courtesy of the mystery men at TIIIA. (It’s not Mike.)

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