Somewhere between North Korea and Guam
Tensions are high in the world. The perception is we are ever so much closer to a nuclear war. Trump is crazy, go the cries. Trump is dangerous, they scream. Nothing makes sense to those of us looking up at the ivy towers.
My friends, I come here to ease your worries. Everything is going to be OK. I’m here to tell you why. I have peered into his soul and listened to his instincts and so now I know. I know now what Trump’s game is!
The 7 Steps Trump Will Take to Save the World and #MAGA
1. Be Smarter.
He’s doing this all on purpose. He’s a billionaire. You don’t get that many zeroes in your bank account without knowing how to play 4D chess. DOY. That means he OBVIOUSLY knows Russia is up to things. He won’t be anyone’s butt toy either. Vince McMahon got his, so too will Putin.
2. Know History.
A war with Russia never succeeds. It has been a common mistake throughout history. (See: Hitler, Napoleon)(Ignore: War, Cold) Except…
3. Make Russia Uncomfortable.
Russia has only ever fought a war on one front and mostly doesn’t extend itself too much. They only showed up after the win in Japan and then tried to pretend they’d been there the whole time. So…
4. We take out North Korea.
No one will really mind; Kim Jung Un is a moron and evil and a turd. Yes, some people MIGHT die but I think people won’t really care because Asia seems far away and mysterious. Trump knows this. Yeah, yeah, it’ll be a “united” Korea but don’t kid yourself: we’re gonna run that shit. Bases everywhere, American companies moving in and hiring people. And they’ll all shit bricks of joy because any job is better than eating dirt, so we’ll have some good will for a while.
5. America now has Russia trapped.
Europe on one side, and America/Korea on the other. And, BONUS: NORTH KOREA HAS NUKES! We not only get some new land and a new way to attack Russia, we also get some sweet free nukes.
6. Now Russia is our bitch.
It does what we say or we kick its ass. Trump pisses on Putin’s bed, taking a selfie while he does it, and releasing it through the Washington Post, who are now shamed after they admitted they were too mean to Trump and were wrong.
But what about the Middle East?
7. All Our Troubles are Solved
Now that Russia bows to us, we’ll have plenty of oil. And we’ll have more military might in the region (I know – we so rock!). We will have all the leverage. EXTRA BONUS: the American rust belt, having been reinvigorated by Trump’s domestic policies, will create a clean energy boom. America won’t need a Paris Accord and we won’t need Saudi Arabia.
That’s how you #MAGA.
Bernie Sanders sees that the middle class is booming and the environment has been saved. He weeps a single tear.