Verizon ruined sex and milkshakes
November 20th, 2017 by Mike Coughlin
Milkshake by Kelis is pure sex. The way she sings, like she’s letting you know you could never experience something as sweet as her and yet you know it’s so amazing that you’ll never resent her for it, hypnotizes me every time I hear it. She taunts the woman she’s singing to while simultaneously somehow seducing me. And the video? Perfect. Her look, the setting, her movements, all of them enhance the song. Yes, I know, I’m gushing over a song that’s 13 years old –
THIRTEEN!?!? Fuck me, I am old as shit. There are people reading this who weren’t born when this thing came out. Whatever. Look at the video. Breath it in. Live it.
And now realize there’s a Verizon Wireless commercial that is using this song to hawk a prepaid phone. They end up replacing the lyrics with shit that your grandmother would be embarrassed to have written. Lines like “it’s selfie time” are sung in a fashion that seems like irony but are so ironic they don’t realize how unironic they actually are. OF COURSE this happens in life. All kinds of stuff from my 20s is commercial jingle shit, I accept that. And on an intellectual level I accept it here too except … COME ON! It was a song that would come on and I’d simply acknowledge my hardon to everyone and say, “Nope, I’m not sorry. This is worth it.”
Would someone write, “I want you to text me like an animal. I want feel that data from the inside?” Can you fathom how weird that would be? CAN YOU, PERSON READING THIS BECAUSE YOU’RE BORED?!?!
Edit: They took it a step further and have released A MUSIC VIDEO FOR THIS FILMED ABORTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m not using you, Verizon. Ever. The saving grace is that apparently this is so obscure that there is not any recording of it available online. Luckily, I did see people talking about it, so I know it isn’t part of some alcohol fueled fever dream. And guess what? I’m not going to let this permanently scar me. HER Milkshake brought me to this fucking yard, Verizon, not yours!