Check out how far WWE storylines have come in the last three years…
FAST LANE 2015
With the WWE Fast Lane PPV just hours away, it is the perfect time to look at the state of WWE three years ago, by reviewing the first ever WWE Fast Lane PPV from 2015. This is a read-a-long, to be enjoyed while watching said WWE PPV on the WWE Network, or WWE DVD if you’re still buying those.
FAST LANE 1: February 22, 2015
Fed Ex Forum in Memphis, Tennessee
The Authority (Seth Rollins, Kane, and Big Show) w/ Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury vs. Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan, and Ryback
- What a team of babyfaces. The reaction to Rowan coming out was non-existent.
- This was a fine match with nothing special. Nobody cares about anyone in this mix. Dolph got the mild tag from Ryback. Ziggs went wild until Big Show KO’d Ziggler and Kane pinned him.
- The Big Show’s punch was replayed in slow motion and he jumped into it and it looked hilarious.
- Seth hit the curb stomp on Zig post-match to get their heat back until Randy Orton runs in and cleans house. RKO’s out of everywhere!
Stardust vs. Golddust
- Finally the match between the Rhodes brothers nobody asked for.
- Dusty was shown giving Golddust a pep talk before the match and that was pretty cool.
- Remember Cody’s new body from five years ago? He wrestled this match shirtless. My guess is that it was shortly after this match that big brother Golddust grabbed little brother’s ear and revealed to him the secret of longevity in wrestling… the full body suit. “It’s great Cody. You never have to work out or tan or eat well. Sure you have to scrape paint flakes out of your eyes every morning, but look at me! I was banging Terri Runnels with this physique!”
- A weird ending. Gold rolled up Star and the referee counted one, two, and then didn’t hit the mat for the three, but Star’s shoulders were definitely down for three and so the ref hopped up and said it was a three count and the match was over. I think the storyline was that the ref got paid off by Dusty to end the match early so that his sons would not get hurt. That, or they blew the finish.
Cody beat down Dustin after the match in front of the Dream.
The Usos (Jey and James) (c) w/ Naomi vs. Tyson Kidd and Cesaro w/ Natalya for the WWE Tag Team Championship
- Cats. Those are the words on Kidd’s kick pads, because he likes cats, and drops facts. What a gimmick.
- Cesaro and Kidd were so great. What awful luck for both of these guys lately. Get well soon!
- Cesaro did a one-legged swing with an Uso. That is freaky impressive.
- Kidd hooked in the Sharpshooter and got super kicked. Jimmy got the visual fall on Kidd as the action spilled outside. This match is getting good.
- Then, just like that, it’s over as Tyson Kidd hits an Uso with a spinning fisherman buster and gets the pin, and the belts. And… NEW champions Tyson Kidd and Cesaro.
- Kidd’s tan was Olympic level.
HHH and Sting Face-to-Face
- Remember this? Me neither. Boy, Sting dropped off the radar fast.
- HHH cut a mighty promo, especially blow-hardy today.
- Sting came out and got face-to-face with The Game
- HHH went for the cheap shot and it broke down into a brawl, leading to a sledgehammer vs. baseball bat standoff. The baseball bat won, for now.
Nikki Bella (c) w/ Brie vs. Paige for the WWE Divas Championship
- I got to think that Brie is not long for the WWE world after Daniel Bryan’s announcement.
- Paige’s outfit is completely black here. Reebok probably designed it. I like the addition of the blue, currently.
- Is the Divas Revolution done? Is everyone good and revolted? I haven’t heard that used in a while. Good thing too. WWE nomenclature is infuriating.
- The crowd was absolutely dead for this match, and remember, this is mid-Nikki’s record-breaking title reign.
- Nikki won with a roll up and a handful of tights.
Bad News Barret (c) vs. Dean Ambrose for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
- Barrets’s music is pretty cool. The League of Nations music suuuuuuuuuucks.
- Dean Ambrose has the best gimmick. He gets to just show up and simply take off his shirt and he’s ready to wrestle. You know he wears those jeans everywhere, and he’s definitely a guy who really wears wife beater t-shirts. I’m wearing one now. It’s quite comfy. It’s pink too. #PinkLivesMatter #TeamViggity
- Barret is a good wrestler. He’s another guy who is really good but has had just terrible luck with injuries right when he was about to get pushed, along with Cesaro, Tyson Kidd, Sin Cara, etc.
- Ambrose got DQ’d for using the belt. He laid Barret out, got caught, got DQ’d, then walked off with the belt anyway. Ha!
Unannounced, the Druids enter the arena. Then the gong hits. I think Glacier is making his debut! No. It’s a casket. Maybe Glacier is in the casket. Nope. It’s Bray Wyatt. Boooooooh.
Rusev (c) w/ Lana vs. John Cena for the WWE United States Championship
- Rusev just whipped up on old Johnny boy for a while.
- Rusev should have shoes on, specifically the Iron Shiek’s shoes. That would be awesome. I know they are different countries but who cares!
- People didn’t make a big enough deal about Cena getting away from jorts. That topic needed it’s own Observer issue, in my opinion. Why did he do it? I predict that within the next five years, jean shorts will come back in style.
- They did the yay boo spot. Rusev needs to start doing the ten punches in the corner spot and count in Russian. It would be amazing if he could get the fans to actually learn to count to ten in Russian.
- Rusev and Cena exchange some submissions. Good action.
- This was when Rusev was undefeated with like six losses on his record.
- Rusev won by technical submission, as Cena was passed out in the Accolade so Lil Naitch rang the bell.
- Cena did this hokey selling post-match that got booed. Ha!
Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan to determine the number one contender to the WWE World Heavyweight Championship (Brock Lesnar)
- Snoozer… NOT! I psyched you out. They had a dang good match.
- I’m still not sure why Reigns is allowed to wear body armor. That seems like cheating.
- I love JBL, “Don’t forget, I know stuff about old boxing.”
- It’s a shame Bryan never did the, “I’ve got til FIVE!” spot in WWE. I’ll bet Vince nixed that. “Goddamit, that’s stupid… because we didn’t think of it. So nyaa nyaa.”
- Huge belly to back off the top by Bryan into the Yes lock!
- Both guys took idiotic bumps outside the ring for a long double down.
- I can’t help but believe the crowd is going to be unhappy with this finish.
- Bryan with the running knee!
- I missed some of this match researching gambling odds on the Oscars.
- Does anyone get a redder face than Mike Chioda?
- Bryan did the Brie Mode kicks (wink).
- Reigns hit a monster spear for the clean pin.
- Bryan does the rude put over, getting in Reigns’ face and telling him he’d better kick his (Brock’s) buns.
Summary: And since I achieved all my goals as President in one term, there was no need for a second… Good show. Good, not great.